Lights Will Guide You Home
by here4rizzles
Summary: Jane is married to Casey. He lost his job and it only gets worse from there. Maura is her only safe place. Domestic Violence. Rizzles.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N This is a fic I've been working on for a while, in between my other fics (don't worry, I'll still update those). It's close to my heart. Please let me know what you think and if you'd like to read more._

 **Chapter 1**

A soft knock on my front door startles me in my work. I close the file I was reading before I walk towards the door, sighing deeply as I see who is standing in front of it.

"Jane," I whisper when I open the door for her. I gently take her arm and lead her inside towards the kitchen to examine her.

This is the second time this week. He went for her face this time. A large bruise on her left cheekbone surrounds a rather deep cut. I let my fingers slide over it, carefully examining the depth of the cut.

"You need stitches, Jane," I whisper when I look into her eyes. Her eyes show no pain, but no happiness either. I still remember the way her eyes used to sparkle, the way her deep brown eyes used to shimmer and dance when she smiled. It has been too long since I've seen that. It has been too long but I'll never forget it.

"Just do it, please?" Jane asks, looking at me with raised eyebrows. "I'm fine."

I sigh and squeeze Jane's arm before I walk towards the living room where I grab my medical bag. I don't have anesthesia. I never have any. I stitch her cuts without it and she flinches, but never makes a sound.

"He doesn't deserve you," I say softly as I dip a cotton swap in iodine to disinfect the wound.

"I know."

Jane knows. She knows he doesn't deserve her. She knows he treats her like a piece of garbage. She knows. And yet, she stays with him. She believes he can change. She says it's the alcohol that makes him do it. I know it's not true. I've told her so many times, but it's no use. I stopped telling her. I treat her injuries, I comfort her pain, and I take care of her. And then she goes back to him.

"This will hurt," I say softly as I prepare the suture.

"Just do it," Jane whispers, looking down at her hands to avoid eye contact.

She hisses in pain when I start and I feel tears burning in my eyes. This never gets easier. I hate seeing her like this, and yet it only makes me love her more.

I'm the one that loves her; I'm the one that will never stop loving her. I will never hurt her, abuse her, I will never stop appreciating her. She doesn't know, and I'm not sure if she ever will. She's with him. She belongs to him.

Jane Rizzoli never belonged to anyone. She was her own boss, always the fierce, sarcastic, tough detective. Nobody messed with Jane Rizzoli. Until he came along. She had known him for a long time. They had fallen in love. He let her down, and she came back. He left her heartbroken, and she took him back. He asked her to leave her life and job to follow him to Afghanistan, and she finally refused. He asked her to marry him in stead. The only way he would stay in America. She agreed.

Jane Rizzoli was now Casey Jones' wife. She kept her own name, but that was all she kept of herself. She lost everything else. Casey didn't go to Afghanistan and worked in Boston for a few months, but he lost his job. He was at home all day, getting bored. It started with a few more beers than usual, but then he traded beer for vodka. It only got worse from here.

"All done." I smile at Jane and place a bandage on her cheek. "Anything else I should check?"

Jane shakes her head and I feel relief. It could've been worse. I grab a mug from the cabinet and start making coffee. I know she doesn't want to talk. I know I don't have to talk. She doesn't want me to talk. If I talk, it's harder for her to keep her emotions in the steel cage she keeps them. She never cries. She used to, when a terrible case got to her, or when she was in pain. She didn't cry in front of anyone, but she cried in front of me. That was all before. She doesn't cry anymore, not even when she's with me. If she cries, she breaks down. Jane doesn't want to break down. She can't.

All I want to do is wrap my arms around her. I want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go. I want to press my lips against hers to kiss her pain away. I want to hold her, love her, treasure her, keep her. If only she knew. If only she knew how much I love her, how much I care about her. How much I want to kiss her, hold her and make love to her.

I look at her face and see exhaustion. She looks pale, her skin almost grey, dark circles under her eyes. She's still the most gorgeous woman in the world. She has those beautiful, brown eyes that seem endlessly deep. Her long, lean legs, perfect figure and those ever unruly but beautiful curls… She's perfect. If only he knew. If only Casey knew he was married to the most amazing woman in the world.

I hate him. I hate him with all I have. Jane tells me he's not a bad man, she tells me it's just the booze talking, but I know better. He's a bad man. Anyone that treats Jane like he does is a bad person. Period. I hate him. I despise him.

I hand her a cup of coffee and she shows a grateful smile. She takes the cup with one hand while the other clutches the baby monitor that is quietly beeping, the sound of light snores coming through.

Jane's pregnancy made her marry Casey. She has a beautiful little daughter named Samantha, Sam for short. She's three years old and the sweetest girl in the world. Her hair is slightly lighter than Jane's and not as curly, but her eyes are exactly the same. Those deep brown eyes that make me fall in love with Jane _and_ her daughter every single time I look into them.

I spend a lot of time with that little girl. Jane brings her over when Casey is drunk again and when it's not safe for Sam to be around her father. I watch her, play with her and I love her like she's mine. But she's not. She's his too.

"Did Sam like the paint set?" I ask Jane after a long moment of silence.

Jane nods. "Yeah, had to drag her away from it to get her into bed."

I chuckle and feel my heart swelling with love as Jane's beautiful face lights up with a smile. "I'm glad."

"Thanks, by the way. It's a sweet gift."

I wave her gratefulness away. "It's no problem. I'm happy she's having fun with it." I stay silent for a moment and see Jane's smile fading. "How is she?" I ask her softly.

Jane sighs and averts her gaze, looking down into her coffee cup. "Tired. I think she senses the stress in the house. She's…" Jane stops and shakes her head. "She's gonna be fine."

"Tell me, Jane," I whisper, trying to gain her confidence.

Jane takes a deep breath and looks into my eyes. I see pain. "She's not like a typical three-year old."

"I know," I whisper softly, carefully placing my hand on Jane's lower arm. Sam is very affectionate and always asking for attention. She's not as cheerful and happy as her peers, and clearly affected by the stress and hurt in her environment. "You know I'm happy to have her over, right?"

Jane smiles at me. "Yeah, I know."

My house is serene, quiet and safe. Jane feels safe here, and I know Sam does too. Jane sighs and I sense she wants to ask me something. I lightly squeeze her arm and smile at her.

"Are you busy tomorrow?" she finally asks after a long silence.

I have to finish two autopsy reports, go over three reports of results from the crime lab and I have to prepare for a trial, but I'm never too busy for Jane. "Not at all."

"You sure?"

"We don't have a case right now, you know that." I carefully reach out to brush Jane's black curls back, and I'm happy to see she doesn't flinch. "I'm never too busy for Sam." I feel butterflies in my stomach when my hand touches Jane's cheek. "Or you."

Jane smiles at me and I see gratefulness in her eyes. Sam spends a lot of time at my house. Jane is afraid to bring her to Angela. She doesn't want her mother to know what's going on, she doesn't want to cause Angela pain. But at the same time, it's not always safe to leave Sam alone with her father. Nothing has happened so far, and I really think Casey will never hurt his daughter, but I know Sam is bothered by the stress in her environment. I see how she lights up when she is with me, out of her own house. I see her relax, and I see her tensing up again when she has to go back home. It hurts my heart.

We drink our coffee in silence, listening to the constant soft beeps from the baby monitor, comforted by soft snores. I know Casey is home and he's capable of taking care of Sam when something happens, but the baby monitor comforts Jane.

She sighs after a while and puts her cup down. "I have to go back," she says softly, fumbling with the monitor.

I nod. "I know."

We stand up and I walk her to the door, but I stop her before she can walk out. "Jane,"

She turns around and looks at me, and I see pain edged on her face. It brings tears to my eyes. "He doesn't deserve you," I repeat in a soft whisper. "He doesn't deserve either of you."

"I can't leave him, Maura," she whispers in her husky voice, looking at me as her shoulders drop.

"Why?" We've had this conversation many times. I've asked her to leave him, I begged her to leave him. She doesn't.

"I married him," she whispers, looking into my eyes. "I know this is not him. It's the addiction, not him."

"He needs help, Jane."

"He's getting better."

I sigh deeply and swallow a lump in my throat. "I don't think he is."

"It's not Casey, Maur. This isn't him."

"He hurts you, Jane." My eyes fill with tears and my voice is nothing but a high-pitched whisper.

"I'm not weak, Maura," Jane says in a harsh tone, startling me. "I'm not. I know this isn't him, I know he's sorry. He's sick and he'll get better." Jane shrugs and smiles at me. The smile doesn't contain happiness. "He loves me."

I can't speak. My throat closes up in tears and I watch Jane walk towards her car to get home to her husband and daughter. "Jane," I stop her before she gets into the car. "I know you're not weak."

Jane smiles at me, a slight smile that makes my heart swell. "Thank you."

I watch her drive away before I close the door, feeling a single tear trickling down my cheek. 'He loves me'.

He may have loved her once, but he doesn't anymore. I do. I love her. I never knew it was possible to love someone this much until I fell absolutely, head over heels in love with Jane. I fell in love with the old Jane Rizzoli, the Jane Rizzoli that didn't let anyone mess with her, the detective that stood her ground and was fierce, tough and badass. But I never stopped loving her. She hasn't lost her strength. She's still that person, I know she is. And I'll wait for her. I'll wait forever if I need to.

I clear away my files, knowing that I won't get any more work done tonight, and I walk upstairs to start my nightly routine. I know the night will be restless. I will be listening, waiting for my phone to ring, for a knock on the front door or any sign of Jane. I haven't had a peaceful night of sleep in years and I don't even mind.

I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling as I finally allow my tears to fall. They fall onto my temples, into my hair. How can you love someone who belongs to someone else? How can I keep her safe? How can I keep them both safe? They're my family. They're my family, even though they aren't. We should be a family. We would be a perfect family. Jane, Sam and me… We would be perfect. I love them both with all I have.

If only she knew.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"When's Mommy gonna be back?"

I look at my watch. "She should be back within an hour," I answer with a smile.

Sam is sitting next to me on the couch, watching cartoons on TV while I work on my laptop, trying to go over what seems to be an endless amount of reports.

"How long's that?"

"Not long, honey."

Sam nods and I smile when I feel her little head resting against my upper arm, but my smile falls when I think about how I'll never be more than Aunt Maura. The name Maura is quite difficult to pronounce for the three-year old. It sounds more like 'Mawa', and it's the cutest sound in the world.

Jane is at the precinct, probably finishing paperwork. I know she can do that from home, but I also know how desperately she needs to get away from home.

"Daddy's gonna make spaghettis tonight," Sam tells me with a sweet smile. "With 'matoes."

"Oh, you like tomatoes, don't you?" I brush her brown hair back and look into those familiar dark eyes.

"Yep. They're yummy." Sam nods and turns her attention back to the TV. "But Daddy thinks I likes cumers."

" _Cucumbers,_ sweetie," I correct her with a smile. I knew she likes tomatoes. I know she doesn't like cucumbers, and I know she has trouble pronouncing the word cucumber. I know all those things. Casey doesn't. He has no idea. He doesn't know what kind of cartoons she likes. I do. She likes Tom & Jerry. It makes her laugh. Casey doesn't know that Sam likes Fruit Loops, that raisins make her stomach ache, that she's a little afraid of the dark and that she loves to paint and draw. He doesn't know any of that. He should.

My phone rings and I grab it from the coffee table in front of me, putting down my laptop when I see Jane's smile lighting up on the screen. My heart flutters. Her smile is magical. "Hi, Jane," I greet her softly.

"Hey. Can you uhm… Can you drop Sam off at the house maybe?"

"Why? Are you still at work?"

"No, I-… I had to go home." Jane's voice is soft and I know she's trying to keep quiet.

"Is everything alright?"

"He passed out, bumped his head. Nothing bad. It'll be fine."

I sigh deeply and look at the little girl sitting next to me. I don't want to drop her off at her drunk, passed out father. "Do you really think Sam should be home right now, Jane?"

"Yea-, Maura, I'm her mother, remember?" Jane sounds angry and I bite my tongue. I went too far, I overstepped my boundaries. I'm not Sam's mother and I'll never be. Decisions like this aren't up to me.

"She should be home, 'cause it's home. He's not gonna hurt her, Maur!"

"I know, I know, Jane." I whisper softly, desperately trying to take away my friend's anger. "I'll take her home."

"Thanks." Jane hangs up the phone and I close my eyes, feeling guilty.

"Come on, Sam, we have to go home."

Sam pouts and looks up at me with a pleading look. "Can I finish this one?"

I realize she's talking about the cartoon, and I allow her to finish it. Each episode only lasts ten minutes and this one started over five minutes ago. "I don't wanna go home," Sam says softly and her quiet voice breaks my heart.

I smile a sad smile and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "Why not, honey?"

Sam shrugs. "Dunno."

I do. I know exactly why. Who wants to go home to their abusive, alcoholic father? He never hurt her and I like to think he never will, but he's certainly not a good father. Jane is a good mother. She's more than a good mother. She loves Sam with all her heart and more, and Sam loves her back. Motherhood looks good on Jane. She's an amazing mother.

A short while later, I walk towards Jane's house. She left her old apartment and now lives in a regular house not too far from mine, but nothing too fancy or expensive. I'm holding Sam's hand and tell her to look both ways before we cross the busy street.

Unfortunately, a rather loud motorcycle passes that makes Sam flinch and she reaches up her small arms towards me. I smile and pick her up, carrying her on my hip as we cross the street together. I ring the doorbell and hope to see Jane, but I feel my heart drop when Casey opens the door.

He looks at me and I see hate in his eyes. He doesn't want Sam to spend so much time with me. The fact that I brought her up to his front door, carrying her like my child… It only makes him hate me more. I see a bump in his forehead and I hope he's in pain. I feel awful for thinking it, but I do. I hope it hurts.

"Give her to me," he says harshly as he reaches out for Sam.

I reluctantly give her up and feel her small hands clutching my blouse for a moment before she allows her father to gather her in his arms. "Bye, Maura," she says over Casey's shoulder.

"Uhm, can I speak with Jane for a moment?" I ask before he can walk away.

He sighs and leaves the door open as he walks away. "Jane!"

Even the way he calls her makes me shiver. It's disrespectful. Before Casey, Jane wouldn't allow _anyone_ to talk to her like that. If someone disrespected her, especially if it was a man, she would kick his balls. Often literally. I don't condone physical violence in any way, but I miss that Jane.

Jane walks towards the door and greets me with a tired smile. Even her tired smiles are beautiful. The cut on her cheeks looks good, it's quite bruised, but it's healing properly. Only I can tell, though. Jane has gotten quite good at covering up her bruises with make-up. She has an explanation for every bandage, she never tells the truth. I'm the only one that knows.

"Hey," Jane says softly, leaning against the doorpost. "Thanks for taking Sam today."

"No need to thank me." I see Sam walking into the living room where she climbs up on the couch to wave at me through the window. I smile brightly and wave back with a light chuckle.

"She likes you," Jane says softly, watching the interaction.

"The feeling's mutual." I look at Jane and expect a smile, but I see sadness and concern. "Jane?"

"She likes you better than him. She asks for you everyday."

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel happy. However, my happiness turns into worry when I see Jane's expression.

"Makes him mad, Maura," she whispers. "He doesn't want her to spend time with you."

"It makes her happy to spend time with me."

Jane sighs and looks down at her feet. "He doesn't care about her happiness."

I look at my friend and feel surprised. Jane rarely speaks badly of Casey. She knows he's not good for her or Sam, but she doesn't express it. I have to agree with her, she's right. He doesn't care one bit about his daughter's happiness. "He did, one day."

Jane smiles. "I know. He will again someday."

I hate the word 'someday'. It's vague, not specific and just plain stupid. What do I do with someday? Can I wait until someday?

I look at her and see immense sadness in those deep, brown eyes. "Jane?" I ask softly, feeling desperate and torn. "Can I… Can I hug you?"

Jane chuckles and nods. "Sure."

I wrap my arms around her and pull her close. It feels like home. I feel safe, warm and loved. I inhale deeply and smell the smell of her fainted shampoo, a hint of lavender and the unique scent that is Jane. It makes my heart flutter, my stomach twist and my head spin. Her arms feel warm and strong around me, yet they feel like the softest arms in the world. Her curls tickle my nose as I bury my face into the crook of Jane's neck and for a moment, I think I've gone too far until Jane pulls me even closer.

The embrace doesn't last long enough. I could stay like this for hours, days, forever, probably. All I need is her arms, her love, her warmth and her strength. I'm head over heels in love with a married woman. Casey doesn't deserve her. I deserve her. I need her, I want her, I love her and I treasure her. I would never take her for granted, I would never get used to her.

When we break the embrace, she looks relaxed for just a few seconds. Just a few seconds, she looks happy and content. The tension in her muscles fades and her eyes sparkle for just a split second. Just a second until Sam's voice calls her.

"Mommy! I need to pee-pee!"

"Jane!" Casey calls right after Sam. "Kid needs you!"

"Go," I whisper, lightly touching Jane's arm. "She needs you."

She smiles at me and thanks me again before closing the door. I walk back to my car and sit behind the wheel, but I don't start the engine. I don't think I can drive just yet. I didn't know it was possible to be affected this much by a simple hug until I hugged Jane for the first time. I can still feel where her arms were wrapped around me, where my body touched hers and her scent is still alive in my mind. If it were possible, I would never need anything else in my life.

I look at the house and see Casey staring at me from across the street, looking through the window of the living room. He looks angry. I quickly start my car and take off, knowing that he will take any anger out on Jane. I can't be the one responsible for Jane's pain, that would kill me.

I think he knows. I think he knows Jane confides in me and that makes me scared. He doesn't like it when Jane or Sam spends time with me. He knows that when they are with me, his position is in danger. One day, when Sam is old enough, she'll realize that she rather spends time away from her father. She'll realize what he does to her mother, she'll see her father for what he really is. And I'm a danger to Casey.

I pray he never finds out about my true feelings for his wife. He can never know how much I love her, how much I care about her. He can never know how much I love his wife and daughter, how much I want to be with them. He won't hurt me if he finds out, he would hurt Jane and that's the worst part. He's not an angry man; he's not aggressive or dangerous, except to Jane. He takes everything out on her and it's not fair. It's the opposite of fair.

I drive home and walk into an empty house. I sigh and clear away the paper and pencils Sam used to draw. I look at the drawing and smile lovingly. She drew a house with a tree next to it. She drew three little humans and scrabbled something that would probably be names. She can write her own name, but she writes the 'S' in reverse.

I gasp when I realize what Sam actually drew. At the first glance, I thought she had drawn her family. But when I take a closer look, I see that Sam drew herself with two women. Three humans. Herself, and two big ones that are definitely female. She doesn't know how to write our names, but I know it's Jane and me. This is how our family is supposed to be. Even Sam knows it.

I laugh softly at the way Sam drew Jane's black curls. God, those curls. I wish I could tangle my hands in them, scraping her scalp as we kiss and I pull her close to me. Jane's curls are beautiful, unruly and yet always soft and I love them. They shine when the light hits it the right way, and they frame Jane's gorgeous face in a beautiful way. I will always be stunned by Jane's beauty. She doesn't see it herself. She has no idea how gorgeous she is, and it only makes her more beautiful.

But it's not her face, body, curls or eyes that I fell in love with. I fell in love with her heart. Her selfless, passionate soul, the way she cares about her work, her family and the people she loves, I fell in love with all of her. Her quirks, her temper, her bad moods, sarcasm, snarky remarks… I love all of it and I'm afraid I'll never stop.

I remind myself I have to show Jane the picture later. I hope it'll make her realize how mistreated she is. I hope it makes her see what could be. I place the picture on the kitchen counter and stand in my own kitchen, feeling a little lost. I could make dinner, but I don't feel like cooking and I'm not hungry anyway. I have to finish my work, but there's no way I can find the concentration to focus right now. I decide to head upstairs and take a hot bath. Hopefully it relaxes me enough so I can get some work done later tonight.

I take my phone with me. I never leave it. Jane has to be able to reach me at all times. I turn the water to comfortable warmth and undress as I wait for the bathtub to fill. I look in the mirror and sigh. I notice that I look tired. My normally perfect curls are a little flat and frizzy, there are slight bags under my eyes that are hard to conceal with make-up, but I didn't bother to put on much make-up anyway today. I'd be spending the day with Sam. She doesn't care about make-up and perfect curls. She only cares about a safe place, motherly arms, cartoons and attention and love.

I unhook my bra and trace my body with my eyes in the mirror. I've always been aware of my attractiveness, I've always known that men look at me and like what they see. I know it's mostly because of the way I dress, but it's nice to know that my appearance is appreciated. But I don't really care about any of that anymore. I don't care if a thousand men find me attractive. All I care about is Jane. I don't know if she ever looks at me that way. I don't know if she sneaks peeks like I do, if she secretly looks down at my cleavage like I've done so many times, licking my lips as I fantasize about what could be. Jane's body is exquisite. She works out regularly and that shows. Her muscles are well defined and she's incredibly strong, yet at the same time deliciously sexy.

I wonder if Casey still sees that. He used to, I know he did, but I don't know if he still does. I don't think he realizes how lucky he is to be married to this perfect creature. I turn the water off and slowly lower myself in the hot water, letting out a content sigh. For a moment, my mind wanders off to the fantasy of Jane here with me, pressed up against my naked back, her arms wrapped around me… But I shake my head and stop my thoughts. I can't think this way.

She's not with me. She's with him and she's not leaving him. She's not mine. She belongs to him. As does Sam. According to Casey, they both belong to him. I close my eyes and allow a few tears to trickle down my cheeks. They fall onto my chest, into the tub where they disappear and dissolve into the water. Like my feelings, they camouflage. They don't show. No one would know this bath water contains my tears, just like no one will know the love my heart holds.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

It's one of the worst beat-ups yet. She's lying on my couch and I sit closely next to her, my thigh touching her hip as I examine her eye. This will be hard to cover up and she knows it. I think she has a broken rib, but I know she doesn't want to go to the hospital for X-rays. Her head is bleeding and I know she feels light-headed.

This is the first time she took Sam with her. This is the first time Sam sees her like this. The girl doesn't know Casey did it to her, and I think it's better to keep it that way. She's quietly sitting on the floor; painting in a coloring book I bought for her a long time ago.

I carefully dap Jane's head and look at her beautiful face. Her eyes are closed and I know she's desperately trying to keep her tears at bay. She's desperately trying to keep her feelings in a steal cage because if they come out, she'll break. "Cry, Jane." I whisper barely audible.

Jane opens her eyes and looks up at me with shimmering eyes, but she doesn't cry. "What?" she whispers, her voice hoarse and light.

"Cry, Jane," I repeat softly, stroking her forehead for a moment. "Let it out, it's okay. I'm here."

Jane shakes her head and averts her gaze. "Jane, you're in pain."

"I'm fine."

"You're not." I swallow a lump in my throat as I see her expression change. I see pain, angst and hurt. But mostly, I notice a hint of fear and worry. She's starting to break. She's slowly starting to break and I don't know if this is a good thing. Yes, I've waited for a breakdown for many years, but I don't know what she'll do when it finally happens.

"No," she whispers quietly. "I'm not."

For a moment, I think she's going to break down right now, right here on my couch, but she doesn't. She turns her head to look at Sam and reaches out her hand towards her little girl. She stays strong for her.

"C'mere, baby," she says softly.

Sam slowly and hesitantly walks towards her mother and Jane sits up against the armrest of the couch. "Careful, Jane," I say as I place my hand on her shoulder. "You're still bleeding."

Jane nods and brushes Sam's hair back. "I'm okay, sweetie," she assures her daughter.

"There's blood," Sam answers with wide eyes as she points towards Jane's head.

"Yeah, but it doesn't hurt, I promise." Jane smiles at her daughter and tries to pull her into her lap, but flinches in pain.

"Don't," I say softly but sternly. "I have to take a look at your ribs, Jane."

Jane nods and closes her eyes in pain. "Sam honey, can you do something for me?" I ask the little girl standing in front of the couch.

Sam nods, eager to help in any way she can. "Yah."

"Can you grab my purse from my bedroom, please? You know, the black, shiny one you said was pretty the other day?"

Sam immediately speeds off towards my bedroom. I don't really need my purse, I know it has some bandages in it I can use, but I have those downstairs as well. I just need her to get out of the room while I take a look at Jane's ribs.

I slowly lift her shirt and carefully trace her abs with my fingers, marveling at her perfect muscle definition. Before I can get distracted, I move up to Jane's ribs and carefully press against them, looking closely at the brunette's face. She hisses and flinches as I keep pressing in different places, trying to determine what is broken or bruised.

"Stop," she groans.

I sigh deeply and lower Jane's shirt again. "Your lower rib on the right side is badly bruised. I don't think it's fractured, but I'd need an X-ray to confirm that."

"How bad?"

"You need to rest for 4 to 6 weeks."

"4 weeks?"

I sigh deeply and let my thumb trace her hairline. "Yes. Truly rest. It'll only take longer if you engage in too much physical activity."

"So, desk-duty." Jane knows what this means and she doesn't like it. She likes to get lost in the job. She buries herself in it, and it's a way to show herself. The only time I see a glimpse of the old Jane Rizzoli is when she's in interrogation, chasing a suspect or about to crack a case. If that gets taken away from her, I'm afraid she'll disappear completely.

"I'm sorry, Jane."

"Don't be, it's not your fault." Jane closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, but flinches in pain.

"It's not your fault either, Jane," I whisper back.

I smile when Sam enters the room again, holding my purse that looks adorably big on her. "Thank you, sweetie." I take the purse from her and search for the bandages to put them on the cut on Jane's head. She hasn't told me what happened, but I know. He kicked her in the stomach, hit her multiple times and she banged her head probably when she fell on the floor.

Sam is about to climb into Jane's lap and Jane allows her, but hisses from the pain it causes. She lets her head fall back and closes her eyes, awful pain showing on her face.

"I'm sorry Sam, your Mommy's hurt." I see tears in Sam's eyes and I lift her off the floor, pulling her into my lap.

Jane reaches out to stroke the girl's cheek where a tear is trickling down. "I'm sorry, baby."

I swallow a lump in my throat when I realize Jane is not just apologizing for not being able to take Sam into her lap. I know the depth of the apology and all I want to do is wrap my arms around both of them to hug their pain away.

Sam rests her head against my chest and looks at her mother with small eyes. She's tired. It's already past her bedtime and she desperately needs her sleep. "Maura," Jane whispers, turning her attention to me, "can we… uhm… Is it…." She struggles and I know what she wants to ask.

"Please spend the night," I say softly, rubbing Sam's back. "Both of you." I can see Jane is about to protest but I don't let her. "Please, Jane. I don't want you to go back. I want to keep an eye on you and…" I rest my chin on top of Sam's head and look at Jane. "And I don't want her to be around him."

"He's fine now," Jane whispers, checking if Sam understands our conversation, but she doesn't. "Probably sleeping."

Passed out, I correct her in my head, but I don't say the words out loud. I don't want them to go back to him. "Stay," I whisper, almost in a begging tone.

Jane nods and for a moment I see love and affection in her eyes. For just a moment, I see her eyes sparkle with a loving smile. For just a moment, I think I think she feels the same way. For just a moment, I believe she loves me back. But reality catches up quickly.

"Maura," she husks when I avert my gaze, looking down at the little girl in my lap. I look back up to her and see tears in her eyes. They don't fall, but they're there.

"Thank you," she whispers. I'm about to wave her gratefulness away, saying that it's no problem and that I'll always be there for her, but she stops me. "No, thank you, Maura."

"I'm happy to help," I whisper softly, smiling when Sam snuggles into my chest.

"I can never repay you for all you've done for us." Jane looks down and tries to sit up but groans in pain, closing her eyes at the terrible headache she's having. She looks back up at me and for a second I'm afraid I'll break out into cries from just the look in her eyes. I see gratefulness. Immense, never-ending gratefulness. "I don't… I don't know… where I'd be…"

She struggles and I place my hand on her upper arm, squeezing it comfortingly. "It's okay," I whisper quietly. "I'm always here."

Jane nods again and we stay quiet for a while, Jane looking lovingly at her daughter while I can't help but stare at the brunette's beautiful face, framed by even messier curls than usual. She's stunning. Even with a black eye and a wound on her head, she's absolutely stunning. She's so beautiful, so strong and so caring at the same time.

When I feel Sam yawning against me, I smile and decide that it's time for bed. For all of us. "Let's get to bed."

Sam nods and I gently lift her off my lap to help Jane up from the couch. Her legs are a little weak, but I do think she will be fine. Her ribs will be sore for a long time, the headache will probably hold on for a few days and it'll take a while before the cut on her head is healed, but she's strong and healthy.

We walk upstairs and I'm not sure what to do. Jane and I have slept in the same bed before and right now I want nothing more than to curl up into her side and hold her close. But I see her walking towards the guestroom, which she knows I always keep prepared for company.

"We'll sleep in here?" Jane asks me, taking Sam's hand.

I sigh and nod. "You… You can stay with me if you like," I say softly.

"I actually wanna stay with Sam tonight if that's okay." Jane looks at me with an apologetic smile and I understand.

"Of course." I walk into the guestroom and turn on the lights, preparing the bed even though I know it's not necessary.

"Mommy, I don't have 'jamas," Sam says, looking up at Jane with wide eyes.

"Me neither, baby," Jane smiles and guides Sam to sit on the bed, trying to kneel to help take off her jeans, but flinching in pain.

I hurry towards them and unbutton Sam's pants. "You can just sleep in your T-shirt for a night, okay?"

Sam nods, too tired to be confused by it. We brush Sam's teeth and I help both of them get ready for bed. When they are both settled in bed, I kiss Sam's forehead and hesitate before I give Jane's arm a light squeeze as I softly wish them sweet dreams.

It should be like this always. Jane should brush Sam's teeth, I should brush her hair, and we should help her into her pajamas and kiss her tonight. We. Jane and me. We should be we. But we're not. I will be sleeping in my own bed tonight and tomorrow, Jane and Sam will go back home. I'm not sure what 'home' means anymore. If home means an abusive husband, a lousy father and dozens of empty beer bottles, I don't think I ever want to be home. My home isn't like that. My home is in Jane's arms. That's it. That's my home and I don't know if I'll ever be home.

I walk towards my own bedroom, to lie in a cold bed with nothing to hold but the blankets.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I've rarely slept for three hours before I shoot up in bed, hearing a sound coming from downstairs. I have to remind myself what happened for a moment, but when it catches up to me, I immediately get out of bed. I put on a robe and check the guestroom where I see Sam sleeping peacefully, sprayed out on the bed. I smile at the sight. Jane sleeps the same way, using up all the room in bed. I've spent a few nights in the same bed with her, and I'd happily sleep on the small edge of the bed for the rest of my life if it means I'll get to share my bed with Jane.

I walk downstairs, careful not to make any noise. Jane is in the kitchen, reaching up towards one of the cupboards, and I stop her quickly. "Jane, don't. You'll hurt yourself."

Jane's attention shoots towards me and she seems scared for just a second before she realizes it's me. "I'm just trying to make some coffee."

"Coffee?" I tilt my head and slowly approach the brunette. "Why are you drinking coffee at," I look at the clock in the living room, "3am?"

"Can't sleep."

"And caffeine is a way to fix that?" I chuckle and close the cupboard. "Let me make you some tea."

Jane sighs and I expect a sarcastic comment or a playful insult, but she just nods and stays quiet. The old Jane would never let this opportunity slide. I start heating up some water and look sideways at Jane, examining her facial expression, checking for discomfort.

"How are you feeling?" I ask softly, my voice almost a whisper as I wait for the water to boil.

Jane takes a deep breath and stares at the floor. "Like hell."

I try to restrain myself, but I can't. "You have to leave him."

"I can't."

"Why? This isn't worth it, Jane. You're not safe with him."

"I can take care of myself, Maur."

"I know you can. But he can't." I grab two mugs and fill them with hot water, averting my attention from Jane. "He's dangerous. He hurts you. What if he takes it too far one day? What if he…" I hesitate and look at Jane, expecting anger, but I see exhaustion instead. "What if he hurts Sam?" I whisper, looking into her eyes.

"He won't." Jane snaps her attention towards me and I see determination in her eyes. "He's never hurt her and he never will."

"He hurts _you_ ," I say softly, lowering a teabag in each mug. "Eventually, that's going to hurt Sam as well."

Jane sighs and I know she knows I'm right. When Sam is old enough, she will know. She's smart. She's already smart for a three year old, and she will grow up to be smart enough to know that her parents are anything but happy. She will be smart enough to figure it out. And she will hate her father, resent her mother, and who knows what else.

I hand Jane the mug of hot tea and look at her pale face. I barely recognize the woman. I'm head over heels in love with this perfect creature, but I barely recognize her. "I miss you, Jane," I whisper softly, standing closely next to her.

"What? I'm right here," Jane gestures towards her feet, indicating that she's in my kitchen.

"No, I miss _you_. I miss the old Jane." My voice is laced with hesitation and a hint of fear. I've never said this to her before, I'm too afraid to hurt her. But tonight she seems different. She's starting to break; she's starting to allow herself to feel pain.

"I miss the Jane that stood up for herself, that kicked a guy in the balls when he was being rude," Jane chuckles and I smile brightly at that beautiful laugh I haven't seen for so long, "I miss the Jane that was sarcastic, and rude, and made jokes I didn't understand. I miss Jane Rizzoli."

Jane looks at me and stays silent for a few moments. "I miss her too," she whispers eventually.

"You can get her back, Jane. She's still here."

"I don't know if she is." Jane looks into my eyes and I see insecurity and pain. She's slowly breaking.

"I do," I whisper with a smile, not even noticing how close I got to her until my hand touches her arm. I quickly pull it away, afraid to scare her off. "She's there, I see her sometimes. I see her with Sam, I see her at work. I see her… I see her with me. She's a little lost, and maybe hidden, but she's there."

Jane smiles at me, but her eyes don't participate. "I don't know how to find her," she whispers in a surprisingly honest tone.

I know. She has to leave him, that's how. But again, I'm too afraid to hurt her. I take a deep breath and my head spins for a few seconds when I inhale her familiar scent. "You don't have to do it all yourself."

"Maybe I do," she answers, her voice vulnerable and soft.

"No you don't. I'm here, Jane."

Jane smiles again and leans back against the kitchen counter. I fight the urge to wrap my arms around her, her scent still alive in my mind, my heart overwhelmed with her beauty and heart. Knowing that she knows she's lost and not herself makes me love her even more. I know that my love is pointless and that she'll never be mine, but as Angela used to put it, we can't help who we love. If only Jane finds herself again and is happy. That's enough for me.

"I can't leave him," she says softly. "I just can't."

"Why not?"

"I married him. I promised to stay with him in sickness and health. This is his sickness."

I sigh and know that on some level, Jane is right. He is addicted, an alcoholic. That in no way excuses his abuse, but he is sick. "That doesn't make it okay to hurt you."

"I know," Jane answers as she takes a sip of her tea. "This tastes disgusting by the way."

I smile brightly and I've never been so happy to hear her comment on my, according to her, 'panda-poop tea'. Yes, this is the Jane Rizzoli I need. This is the Jane I fell in love with. "I'm happy to hear that."

"What, that your panda-poop tea tastes like shit?" Jane smirks at me and I think I fall in love with her all over again.

I don't even comment on her use of language, I don't even feel offended that she hates my tea. All I feel is the love for this woman who is maybe, just maybe slowly coming back. "Yes," I answer her question.

Jane fumbles with her cup as her smile falls. "He doesn't want help," she says, a little out of the blue.

"He needs to go through rehab."

"He says he doesn't need it, that he can stop drinking whenever he wants."

"Did you ask him to?"

"Yeah. Many times." Jane shrugs and takes another sip of the tea she doesn't even like. "He just gets mad."

I sigh deeply. I know what happens when Casey gets mad. Casey doesn't just get mad; her takes his anger out on Jane.

"I can't force him, Maura."

"You have to report him. Law enforcement can force him into rehab."

Jane looks back up at me. "Put my own husband behind bars?"

She knows what will happen if she reports Casey. He will be arrested for domestic violence and forced through rehab, and if he gets through that, he will be in jail for at least a year, most likely up to four years.

"Yes," I reply maybe a little too fast. I see Jane's expression change and I place my hand on her upper arm. "To keep yourself safe, Jane. To keep Sam safe. Isn't that more important than marriage? Isn't that more important than a promise you made years ago?"

Jane doesn't answer. I know what she wants to say and I know what she thinks, but I also know she doesn't want to say it out loud. She doesn't have to. "He's not getting better by himself, Jane. The addiction is stronger than him. He needs to be forced."

"Otherwise he'll never get better," Jane adds softly.

I feel my stomach tickling and I know I'm getting closer to Jane every second. She's getting closer to leaving him, finally. Just a little push, just a little more time, and maybe she'll finally does what she has to do.

"He won't," I whisper, stepping closer to Jane. "Don't wait until it's too late, Jane." Tears are burning in my eyes and I hear desperation in my own voice. "Please don't wait until it's too late."

"I won't," Jane says with a sad smile. "He just needs a little more time."

"For how much longer, Jane?"

Jane shrugs. "Until he's better. He can get better."

"Not on his own. He needs help. And you and Sam…" I hesitate but continue when I think about the sleeping girl upstairs. "You two need to get away from him." You need to be with me, I think to myself, but I'm too afraid to say it out loud.

"I don't know, Maura. He'll never hurt Sam. I know he won't. And I can take it."

I feel a tear trickling down my cheek as I look at the beautiful, defeated woman in my kitchen. "But I don't know if I can," I whisper barely audible.

I don't know if she heard my quiet whisper because she doesn't really reply. Sometimes I think she has feelings for me as well, but sometimes I'm positive I misread her signals. I don't know anymore.

"I'm gonna go back to bed," Jane says, putting the cup behind her on the kitchen counter.

I nod and put my own cup next to hers. "You know where to find me," I say with a smile.

"Yeah." Jane smiles at me and squeezes my arm for a second. "Thank you, Maur."

Her touch sends a jolt through my body and I feel my heart skipping a beat. How can a simple touch that didn't even last more than a second affect me this much?

"You're welcome," I whisper, my voice shaking and soft.

I watch Jane walking upstairs and restrain myself from ogling those long legs that look oh so sexy in her shorts. Jane in a tank top and shorts is my favorite Jane. That woman never fails to leave me flustered and turned on. It doesn't help that she's not wearing a bra either.

I shake my head and refuse to let my thoughts go further. She's not mine; I'm not allowed to think about her like that. I rinse the cups and put them in the dishwasher before I walk back upstairs, towards my yet again cold bed.

I can't help myself, and peak through the slightly open door of the guestroom on the way. Jane's eyes are closed but I don't think she's sleeping. She's slowly rubbing Sam's back who's sleeping snuggled into her mother's side, her small head resting in the crook of Jane's neck, her legs sprawled out on the bed. I smile at the adorable sight and quietly walk to my own bedroom.

The next morning, Sam's cheerful voice wakes me up, followed my Jane's husky voice telling the girl to be quiet as they walk down the hall on their way downstairs. I smile and look at my phone to see it's almost 7am, time to get up anyway. I decide to give Jane some time alone with Sam and take a long time in the shower. I put on a black skirt and a green blouse, but leave my heels and make-up to put on later.

Downstairs, I meet the lovely sight of Jane and Sam sitting at the kitchen counter, eating cereal. I have no idea how this cereal got into my house, but I don't even mind. All I think is how incredibly happy it would make me if this were what I walked into every single morning.

"Good morning," I greet them with a smile.

"'Mornin' Maura!" Sam says with a grin, spilling some of her milk onto the counter.

"Be careful, baby. Maura doesn't like it when her kitchen gets messy," Jane corrects the girl, helping her with her breakfast.

"Oh, that's okay," I say with a smile.

"There's coffee in the pot." Jane points at the opposite counter.

I gratefully pour myself come coffee, feeling that my body is in desperate need of caffeine after a short and restless night. I sip the coffee and I know it's not the organic coffee I bought a few days ago, but I love it anyway, just because Jane made it.

"What are you going to do today?" I ask Jane.

Jane shrugs. "Take some painkillers. Bring Sam to preschool. Get back to work."

I know that this means we do this all together, which makes me happy. But immediately I think about what happens after work. "And then…?"

Jane immediately knows what I mean and sighs deeply as she brushes Sam's hair back. "Go home."

"Jane,"

"We'll be fine, Maur." She looks up at me and I know I'm not convincing her to stay with me any longer.

"Just… Just be careful. Your ribs need to heal and you will develop a rather bad headache if you engage in too much physical activity."

Jane nods and she seems happy that I don't press on about staying with me. "Can you check my bandages though?" she asks, pointing at her head.

"Of course." I smile and walk over to her, gently taking the bandage from her head, my fingers brushing her forehead as I inhale her lovely scent. I let my gaze wander down towards her lips and unconsciously lick my own. God, what I wouldn't do to be able to kiss those lips.

I shake my head and clean the injury before I apply new bandages. "All done. Come see me at lunch to check up on you, okay?"

Jane nods. She turns her attention back to Sam's cereal that's spilling on the counter again. "I always come see you at lunch."

She's right. We always have lunch together. I wouldn't even have lunch if it weren't for Jane. Jane makes everything better. If only I could share all my meals with her. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snacks… I'd share them all with her and I'd never, ever get tired of it.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N I have most of this story written already and I'll try to upload a new chapter every other day. It will have a total of 27 chapters, I think. Thank you for the kind reviews, it means a lot to me!_

 **Chapter 5**

It has been three weeks since I thought Jane was starting to break, but I'm afraid she closed up again. She's been to my house with a few light injuries twice, but she doesn't talk. After the talk we had in the kitchen, she has never been open like that again.

It's currently a little after 9pm and I'm finishing up at work, eager to get home after a very long day. Jane left this afternoon to pick up Sam and bring her home, and then came back to work on a rather frustrating case we've been working on. She left a few hours ago to put Sam to bed.

I turn off the lights in the autopsy room and walk to my office where I close my laptop and put a few files in my purse to bring home. I look at my phone and feel like my heart stops for a moment, even though I know that's not possible without cardiac arrest. It feels like my heart stops beating. I have five missed calls. All from Jane.

I left my phone in my office while I went to clean up in autopsy. I can't believe I left my phone. I detest myself as I call Jane back.

She picks up quickly. "Maura?"

I hear anger in her voice. "Jane, I'm so sorry, I didn't have my phone on me. I'm just about to leave work. What's going on?"

"I'm at your house. Can you come home?"

"Why are you at my house?" I feel panic burning in my chest and quickly grab my stuff, turning off the lights as I hurry towards the elevator.

"Just come, okay?"

My breath hitches in my throat when I hear Sam's soft cries coming from the other end of the line. "God Jane, are you okay? Please tell me you're both okay."

"Yeah, I think so. Just come home, please?"

"I'll be there as soon as I can." The elevator doors finally open and I almost run inside, pushing the buttons furiously as I wait for the torturously slow elevator to go up.

My mind goes through all the possibilities of what happened. Jane didn't sound like she was in pain, even though I know she is. She didn't sound defeated like she normally does, she didn't sound scared and weak. She sounded angry and determined.

I reach the bullpen and I'm greeted by Sergeant Korsak who stops me before I can hurry outside. "Have you heard?"

"No, what?" My eyes are wide in fear and I see worry on Korsak's face.

"They found Casey knocked out in his house. Some pretty bad wounds to his head, looks like he was beaten up hard."

I close my eyes and feel tears burning behind my eyelids. I need to get home. "What's happening to him?"

"He's in the hospital, still unconscious."

I nod and I know I can't hear the rest of the story. "I'm very sorry sergeant, but I need to get home. Call me if there's any news, please?"

"Will do, doc." He says goodbye and I almost run towards my car, getting behind the wheel before breaking all the speed limits, getting home as fast as possible.

Before I can even open the front door, I hear Sam's loud cries coming from inside. My hands are shaking and it takes me nearly five seconds to unlock the door, yanking it open to see Jane sitting on my couch with Sam in her lap, holding a towel to Sam's head as the girl cries loudly.

He hurt Sam. He took it too far. He hurt Sam and Jane lost it. I can see it in her eyes. I see rage. I see absolute, uncontrollable rage and anger. Jane's knuckles are bleeding and her cheek is bruised, but Sam is the one I'm worried about.

"What happened?" I sit down next to Jane and slowly lift the towel from Sam's head to see a small wound. The blood has coagulated already and I examine it, quickly seeing that it doesn't need stitches.

Jane doesn't answer my question and turns Sam towards me. "Check her, please? Is she gonna be okay?"

I grab my medical bag and take out the small light, opening Sam's dark eyes as I shine into them to check her pupil's reflexes. Everything seems fine at first sight. "Did she vomit?"

"Yeah, back home."

"More than once?"

"No. But she says everything's spinning. And the worse headache in the world."

I nod. A concussion. Her pupils react the way they're supposed to, and when I examine the girl, I don't think she's bleeding internally. "I don't think she has a permanent injury. I think it's a concussion, but she needs a CT scan to confirm it's nothing worse."

I look into Sam's dark eyes and try to manage a reassuring smile. "Are you okay, Sam?"

"Daddy," Sam hiccups and her voice is weak and small, "daddy's mad."

"I know, honey," I whisper, brushing her hair back before I turn my attention back to Jane. "What happened, Jane?"

Jane sighs and puts the cold towel back on Sam's head, comfortingly rubbing the girl's back. "He lost it," she says softly, not wanting to scare Sam even more. "He was having a bad day, she broke a glass and he just… he lost it."

"Oh, Jane…"

"I really thought he'd never hurt her. I really did."

"You couldn't have known, Jane," I assure her, lightly squeezing her arm.

"He pushed her and she hit her head on the edge of the coffee table. He kicked her while she was down and I was so, so angry." Jane looks up at me and I see anger in her eyes. "I've never been this angry before. I knocked him out with my fist, sat on his chest and hit the crap out of him."

I can't help but feel proud. Jane should've done this a long time ago. This is what the old Jane would do. Unfortunately, it took him hurting his daughter for this Jane to appear.

"I scared myself," Jane whispers, the anger slowly disappearing, making space for fear and surprise. "I finally, finally beat him up and I was so angry… Seeing the blood on Sam's head… I don't know what I've been thinking all this time. I should've left him a long time ago."

"You can't blame yourself, Jane," I whisper, soothingly rubbing her upper arm.

"It's my fault, Maura. If I left him, he would've never hurt her."

"You couldn't have known. Even I thought he wouldn't hurt her."

"I was stupid," Jane says, taking her hand to wipe Sam's tears that are now silently trickling down her cheeks.

"No you weren't," I whisper, looking at the woman next to me who is watching her daughter with love in her eyes. "You're… You were in love."

"Same thing."

"No it's not." I brush Sam's hair back and smile at her when I see her looking up at me. "Jane, did you report this?"

"Called an ambulance. Told them what happened to him while I was still angry, but my anger faded so I left before they got there."

All they found was Casey on the floor with severe injuries. They didn't know anything else. "They'll easily tie this to you. You have to report it."

"And make everyone see how pathetic and weak I am?" Jane asks me, honesty and anger lacing her voice.

"You're not pathetic and certainly not weak, Jane. You saved your daughter today."

"It's my fault that she even needed to be saved!"

"No, it's _his_ fault. This is entirely his fault." My voice is surprisingly stern and determined. "You are going to report him, he is going through rehab and you are going to leave him."

Jane looks at me and seems surprised at my strict tone. "I can't leave him," she whispers, aware of her three-year old daughter who is listening along.

I feel anger burning in my chest and I carefully take Sam from Jane's lap. "Sweetie, can you lie down for me? It'll help the headache."

Sam carefully lies down on the couch and I adjust her with some pillows before I take Jane's arm and lead her towards the kitchen where Sam won't hear us. I look at Jane and put my hands on my hips. "Casey just beat the _shit_ out of your own daughter and you're thinking of going back to him?"

Jane wants to reply but I cut her off, surprised by my own anger. "No, you're not going back him. I won't let you. I won't let you, or Sam go back to him! I won't let him hurt you any longer."

"You can't-…"

"Yes, I can!" I say, fighting to keep my voice down. "When he beats you up again, when he treats you like trash, it's me you come to, Jane. When he hurt the most important person in your life, you came to _my_ house. I took care of you, I cleaned your cuts, I treated your injuries and I'm telling you that you are _not_ going back to him!" I feel tears burning in my eyes and my attitude turns from anger to desperation. "Please," I beg her in a soft whisper. "Please stay with me."

Jane doesn't know the depth of my words, but I do. I don't want her to just stay with me during the night, or while Casey is in the hospital. I want her to stay with me forever. I want to spend my life with her; I want to be with her.

"He's…"

"No, don't say he's sick or that the booze makes him do it. I don't care how much alcohol he consumed. He can never hurt you." My cheeks are wet with tears and I look at Sam to see if she's okay, and I'm happy to see her playing with her teddy bear on the couch. I turn back to Jane and swallow a lump in my throat at the pained expression on her face. "I don't want him to hurt you. I don't want you to be in pain," I whisper through my tears. "Stay with me."

"Maura…" Jane looks at me and I see affection. I see love and kindness and I feel my heart flutter.

I don't think and cup Jane's face to press my lips against hers. I don't think about the consequences of my actions, I don't think about how this could ruin our friendship forever or how this might turn out. All I think about is that I need to convince Jane to stay with me. I need her to be here, to be with me.

My heart swells, my stomach tickles and my head spins at the feeling of her surprisingly soft lips finally pressed against my own. She doesn't reply to the kiss at first, but after a few seconds I feel her hands on the small of my back. Our lips move together in perfect synchronization, like a perfectly choreographed dance that is meant for us. We fit together like two puzzle pieces and I don't ever want to let her go. If I could stay in this feeling forever, I would. Her perfect lips against mine, her hands on my back, pulling me close as her scent overwhelms me and my heart bursts with love.

Suddenly I feel wetness on her cheeks, making the kiss sloppy as our lips glide together. She breaks the kiss and hides her face in the crook of my neck, her arms wrapping tightly around my waist as silent, heartbreaking sobs wreck her body. Finally, finally she cries. She's finally let go; she's finally allowing the pain to break her. She's finally falling and I'm catching her.

I tighten my arms around her and pull her as close as possible. "It's not your fault, Jane," I whisper soothingly. "It's not your fault. You couldn't have known."

"I-… I…" Jane sobs, not moving from the crook of my neck.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm here. I always will be."

I feel Jane shaking her head as tears spill onto my shoulder, into my hair. "I lo… I love you, Maura," she whispers through her tears.

I don't know what this means for her, but I reply without thinking. "I love you too, Jane," I answer softly, pulling her even closer. "I love you too."

I don't know if this means she's _in_ love with me, but knowing she loves me is enough right now. She doesn't have to know the depth of my feelings right now. There's time to talk about that later. All that matters now is that the woman I love so dearly is in my arms. The kiss is still alive in my mind and my head is still spinning. I'm not sure what the kiss meant and what it means for the future, but I don't even care. I got to experience what it's like to kiss this perfect woman I'm so desperately in love with and that's enough for now.

I hold Jane close, still keeping an eye on Sam to make sure she's doing okay while my arms stay securely wrapped around the brunette in my arms. I've waited for this for so long. I've waited for her to break down, I've waited for her to cry, I've waited so long to have her in my arms and now that she is, I don't ever want to let her go. Jane's thin but strong arms are wrapped around my waist and it makes me feel safe and loved. This is where I'm supposed to be, in Jane's arms, comforting her as she cries, soothing her pain, drying her tears, loving her broken heart with all I have.

Jane takes a deep breath and pulls back, one arm still wrapped around my waist as the other wipes her cheeks. "I don't want Sam to see me cry," she whispers, her voice hoarse from crying.

"It's okay, Jane," I answer softly, wiping a tear with my thumb, hesitant to seek more physical contact. I don't know her feelings and I don't want to push anything too far too soon. "It's okay for her to see you cry. It's okay for her to know that you're human and you have feelings too."

"I don't want her to see me broken."

"You're not broken," I whisper, gently lifting Jane's head to make eye contact. "You're incredibly strong and brave. And Sam knows that."

"I failed her today," Jane says softly, fresh tears falling onto her cheeks.

"Oh, Jane. You didn't. She'll never resent you. She loves you endlessly." I pull her back into my arms for another hug and feel her face nuzzling into my shoulder. "And so do I," I whisper to myself, not audible for the crying beauty in my arms.

We stay quiet for a long time, Jane silently crying, finally allowing the endless amount of tears she kept inside for so long to make their way out. There seems no end to it and we stand in a tight embrace for at least fifteen minutes. I hate that Jane is in pain and I'm furious with Casey for hurting Sam, but I can't help the love and happiness I feel as well. Jane finally stood up for herself, she finally allowed herself to break and she's finally in my arms. The taste of her lips is still lingering on mine and my head just won't stop spinning. I don't think I'll ever stop loving Jane.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 _Jane's POV_

Standing here in Maura's kitchen, all I can think of is how nice Maura smells, how soft her lips are and how gentle she is. All I can think about is how she so gently treated Sam, how she helped me out so many times and all I can think about is how she kissed me and told me she loved me back.

Silent tears won't stop falling down my cheeks and I'm grateful for Maura's hair and shoulder that absorb them. I've never admitted how I feel about Maura, not even to myself. I loved her and I always have, but I never thought I would love her as more than a good friend. But now that she has kissed me, I'm not sure about my feelings anymore. My stomach is still making flips and I've never felt like this before. I want to stay in her arms forever and this is new for me. This feeling of safety, love and home… I haven't felt this in a long time.

I made so many mistakes. I made so many mistakes and I lost myself because of it. I should have never married Casey. I should have left him the day he hit me for the first time, I should have left him every single day after that. But I didn't. I somehow felt obliged to my marriage vows; I thought I needed to stay with him. I know he's sick the alcohol is making him act this way, but the minute he hurt Sam, all compassion in me was gone. Nobody hurts my daughter. Not even him.

Sam is the single most important thing in my life. I would do anything for that little girl. The minute she was born, I knew I was never going to love another human being as much as I love Sam. She's my sunshine, my life and my heart and I will protect her will all I have for the rest of my life. I still remember the moment I held her in my arms for the very first time, a screaming little baby, looking a little purple, kicking around, and waving her little fists in the air. She's just like me. Like I used to be. She's fierce, she knows what she wants, what she doesn't want, and she doesn't take no for an answer. She's my life.

I feel Maura pulling back and I wipe my tears, getting slightly frustrated that they just won't stop falling. I look into Maura's hazel eyes and see them sparkling with love. God, she has beautiful eyes. I've always known my friend is beautiful, but it's like something opened up in me that I've never allowed myself to feel before. Is this what it feels like to be in love?

She cups my cheek and wipes away a tear with her thumb, and her touch is so warm and soft it makes my heart flutter. What's happening to me? I shake my head and try to gather my thoughts. I need to take care of Sam. "Sam," I whisper softly.

"We need to get her to the hospital," Maura answers, looking at my daughter on the couch. "She needs a CT scan to make sure there's no internal damage."

"You said you thought she's fine."

"Yes, but I need more evidence to confirm that."

"So, you were guessing?" I ask, trying to lighten the heavy mood my breakdown caused.

"No, I was simply proposing a hypothesis based on my examination."

I hum and turn to walk towards my three-year old daughter who is playing with her bear. "That's guessing."

Maura smiles at me and I only now notice how her smile brightens up her entire face, making her beautiful eyes sparkle as they get even more gorgeous and mesmerizing. How have I never noticed how gorgeous this woman is?

"Honey," I say softly as I sit down next to Sam on the edge of the couch, "Maura and I are going to take you to the hospital real quick, okay?"

"Hospital?" Sam looks at me with wide eyes and I see fear edged on her young face.

"We're just gonna make sure everything's okay." I take the towel from her hands and take a look at her head; happy to see the bleeding has stopped. I still can't believe I let him get this close to her. I can't believe I was upstairs while he was beating her up in the living room. I can't believe it took me almost a minute before I got downstairs after hearing her cries. I can't believe I didn't hit him hard enough to kill him.

I don't want to go back to him. I really don't. But something in me tells me I have to. Something in me tells me I have to keep my promise and stay with him through his sickness. To be honest, I just don't know what to do. The moment I just shared with Maura is something I want to experience again. And again and again and again. As many times as possible. I want to bury myself in her arms, lose myself in her kisses and hold her forever. But on the other hand, I'm painfully aware of the fact that I'm a married woman.

"Is Maura coming too?" Sam asks me, looking at Maura who is standing behind the couch.

"Yeah. She's a really good doctor, remember? She's gonna help you feel better as well."

Sam nods but I see the movement is hurting her head. I sigh deeply and tuck my arms under hers to lift her off the couch, carrying her on my hip. "Can we take your car? I didn't take mine."

"How did you get here?" Maura asks, looking confused.

I shrug. "Walked. Let's go." I don't want to get into it. I panicked and ran, literally. I carried Sam on my hip, her bleeding head tightly against my chest and I walked a half hour towards Maura's house. I didn't even notice the pain in my feet and the weight of a three-year old in my arms. All I felt was crippling guilt.

Maura drives us to the hospital and I never let Sam go, keeping her in my arms the entire time. Maura explains to her what's going to happen and Sam seems scared at first, but Maura knows how to put her at ease. I realize that she always has known. Sam loves Maura. She wants to visit her every day, she's relaxed when she's at Maura's and she wants to play with her, even though Maura doesn't know much about entertaining a three-year old. Sam couldn't care less.

We arrive at the hospital and Maura arranges everything. She explains to Sam that they won't hurt her and that they're just going to take a picture of her brain. Sam seems to be at ease and I give her a kiss before they take her into the CT scan while Maura and I wait in the other room. They don't allow us into the room with Sam.

I lean against the wall and close my eyes, exhaustion overwhelming me for a moment. I feel Maura standing next to me, her arm touching mine. I'm suddenly very aware of her touches. They make me tingle.

What's happening to me? I'm a married, straight woman and I'm suddenly having feelings for my female best friend. Strong feelings. I'm starting to think these feelings have been present for a very long time, but I buried them. There's a reason I went to Maura all those times. There's a reason I go to her for comfort, a reason I allow her to take care of me. I love her, but am I in love with her? I don't know.

My head is spinning. I feel the pain of my daughter, I feel the endless guilt of letting it come this far, I feel hate for Casey, but I also somehow feel a strange kind of love for him. But through all that, I suddenly feel a kind of love I've never felt before for the woman standing next to me, waiting just as anxiously as me for Sam to come back.

Suddenly I realize that Maura has been the one to safe me, to make me keep going. She's the one that took me in, that treated my injuries and loved me no matter what. She told me every time that he doesn't deserve me and that I should leave him, and I didn't listen. I never listened, but she just kept on telling me. She's always been patient with me, never getting upset with me, never resenting me. I don't deserve her.

"Jane," Maura whispers next to me, studying my face, "talk to me."

I shake my head and give her an apologetic look. I have to be honest with her. If I lie or don't tell her about my feelings, she'll be hurt. Hurting Maura is the last thing I want to do. "I don't know, Maura. I'm… Confused."

Maura sighs and I see a flash of hurt crossing her face. I desperately try to take it away. "There's no doubt in my mind that I love you. I just… I'm not really sure what that means. I never allowed myself to…" I hesitate and don't know how to find the words to speak my mind. "I don't know."

"It's okay," Maura whispers, looking into my eyes. I see a look of love and affection in her eyes and in that moment I know for sure that she is in love with me. It makes my heart swell.

"Can we just… Park this for a while?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just… Leave it? For just a while?"

Maura nods. "Of course. We don't have to rush into anything."

"I just need… There's so much to figure out."

Maura smiles and I feel her brushing my hair back, a loving gesture that makes my stomach flutter. "We have time," she whispers.

She looks at me and I allow myself to get lost in those big hazel eyes. It's like they run endlessly deep and they show a piece of her soul. They sparkle with love and affection. I let my gaze wander lower towards her perfect lips, remembering how they felt against mine and I can't restrain myself.

I don't even realize what I'm doing until I'm kissing her. I didn't think it was possible, but this kiss is even more perfect than the last. It's unlike anyone I've ever kissed before. She's gentle and soft and she pours so much love into the kiss, I never knew it was possible to feel this way about a kiss. I feel her hand tangling in my hair, softly massaging my scalp as my hands roam over her back, feeling the smooth material of her blouse. The kiss isn't deep or sexual in any way, but it's unique and phenomenal. It makes my heart swell with love and all I know is that I want to do this again and again.

We break the kiss and I look at her as she rests her forehead against mine. "What about needing time?" Maura whispers, her breath tickling my lips.

"Maybe I need this to figure it out," I answer softly before kissing her lips again, this time quick and light. Again, it's even more perfect than the last. If all kisses with Maura are like this, I don't ever want to stop.

Maura smiles at me but doesn't initiate another kiss. "There's time, Jane. I'm not going anywhere."

I'm about to express my gratitude until a doctor calls us in. We hurry towards the room where Sam is just getting out of the scan. "How are the results?" Maura asks the doctor while I lift Sam in my arms, soothingly rubbing her back. She doesn't seem upset or scared, but she's definitely uncomfortable.

"There's nothing to worry about, Mrs. Jones," the doctor says with a smile.

My heart drops at his words. I was still flying from the kiss, but now I'm crashing into the ground. I'm married. "My name's Rizzoli, actually," I mumble, lost in my thoughts. I don't think he heard me because he just continues to go over the results with Maura.

I'm married. I'm Mrs. Jones. I'm his and I just kissed another woman. Does this mean I cheated on him? Does this mean I'm… gay? I don't know what this means and I'm afraid to find out.

"There's no internal damage, but she's had a pretty bad hit," the doctor explains to us. "She has to rest for a few weeks, and I advice to wake her every few hours to make sure there are no signs of a cerebral hemorrhage. Depending on the amount of pain she's in, she can take up activities again in a few weeks."

"Okay." I just want to go home. No, not home. Maura's home. I don't even want to know how Casey is doing. I don't want to think about reporting him. I don't want to think about my feelings for Maura; I don't want to think about anything. All I want to do is keep my daughter in my arms and sleep. Sleep, for as long as possible. Drift off into a dark, dreamless sleep.

We drive home and I know Maura senses how tired I am. She knows I don't want to talk and she doesn't press on. We stay silent the whole drive home and Sam falls asleep in the car. We quietly walk into the house and Maura leads the way towards the guest bedroom, helping me to take off Sam's shoes and jeans as we tuck her into bed. She's about to turn around to head to her own bedroom, but I stop her.

"Maur," I whisper, careful not to wake Sam. "I…" I want to ask her to stay with me. I want to ask her to hold me and not let me go, but I'm afraid I won't be able to restrain myself. I know that if I ask her to stay with me, she will. And I don't think I can be that close to her without kissing her again. I can't do that. I need to think, to get my thoughts straight and figure out what I'm feeling first. "Thank you."

She walks over to me and places a light kiss on my cheek, softly squeezing my upper arms. "Sleep, Jane. Wake Sam every few hours to check on her. We'll talk in the morning."

I don't even have the energy to protest and I just nod. My cheek is burning where her lips touched it and I watch her walk out of the room. I sigh and sit down on the bed, not even bothering to take off my clothes as I carefully take Sam in my arms and close my eyes, finally allowing exhaustion to take over.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N I apologize in advance for getting any facts wrong about the legal process around domestic violence. I'm not from America and I don't know how this is handled exactly. I did some research, so I hope I'm close to reality. But after all, this is fanfiction and all about Rizzles._

 **Chapter 7**

 _Jane's POV_

I officially reported him. He's going to be arrested for domestic violence. The hospital was alarmed immediately, of course. Child abuse and domestic violence. There's no way to fool anyone anymore. There will be a lawsuit and I will have to testify in court. I will have to be vulnerable and confess my weakness and mistakes in front of people.

A divorce is the logical conclusion to this, but I can't bring myself to it. What if he changes back into the man I fell in love with? He will be forced through rehab, and what if he's back to the old Casey after that? What if I leave him, and he changes?

I think it wouldn't matter. He will always be the man that hurt my daughter. He will always be the man that hit me, kicked me and humiliated me. He will always be the man that hurt the most important person in my life and I don't know if I'll ever trust him again. But then again, it was the booze that made him do it. If the alcohol gets taken away, maybe I can trust him again.

With the added complications of my feelings for Maura, my mind is overwhelmed and I am exhausted. I've been thinking non-stop. It's like I can't turn my brain off. I've never felt this way about anyone before, not even about Casey. Maura makes me feel safe and loved, but most of all, she treats me like I'm special. She looks at me like I'm the most exquisite creature in the universe and she touches me like I'm the most expensive treasure in the world. Casey has never done that before and I don't know if he ever will. He's always taken me for granted. He never looked at me like Maura looks at me.

I look over at Sam who is coloring at Maura's coffee table and smile at the sight of my beautiful daughter. She has his hair, but she has my eyes and facial features. She's not tall like me, she's actually quite short for her age, but she has my persistence. She still complains about a headache and she was quite dizzy this morning, but she hasn't vomited and nothing seems alarming. I don't know how to tell her that her daddy will be sent away to stop drinking. How do you tell a three-year old that her father is a drunk? She deserves to know the truth, but I want to protect her from it at the same time.

"Here you go," Maura says softly as she hands me a cup of coffee. She sits next to me on the couch and I smile at her.

"Thanks."

She turns her attention towards Sam but I keep looking at her. I can't remember the last time Casey looked at Sam like Maura is looking at her now. I know Maura loves Sam and I know Sam loves Maura, and it's only since this morning that I started thinking about the three of us as a family. Maura would be an amazing mother, that's a fact. There's no doubt in my mind that Maura is cut out for motherhood. But there are a lot of other doubts in my mind. I'm starting to think that I am in love with Maura. I think I have been for a long time, but ever since we kissed, the feeling got stronger. Maura is a gorgeous woman, she's kind-hearted, brilliant, adorably awkward and endlessly caring. I'm attracted to her beautiful body, but most of all, I'm in love with her heart. Her kind heart that always puts other people before herself, that never fails to care about others.

There's no point in denying it. I'm in love with her. I'm in love with her and she has the right to know. "Can we uhm… Can we talk?" I ask softly, not wanting to include Sam yet.

"Of course," she answers with a nervous smile. "Do I need to be worried?"

"Maybe." I smirk and stand up from the couch, placing a kiss on top of Sam's head as I put my coffee down. "I'm gonna have a talk with Maura, okay?"

Sam nods and doesn't look up. I follow Maura to the hall where Sam can't see us, but where we can still keep an eye on her. Maura looks up at me with great expectation.

"I think… No, I know…" I sigh and rub my forehead. "I'm in love with you," I whisper softly, looking down at my feet.

I hear Maura taking in a sharp breath. "Jane,"

"But I don't know what to do with that. I'm married, and I kissed you, so I cheated on him, but I don't know if I'm with him or if I should be with him, or what I should be feeling. And I don't even know if I'm gay or straight or whatever," I ramble on and Maura cuts me off with a kiss. A light kiss on my lips that is again even more perfect than he last.

She cups my cheek and rubs my cheekbone with her thumb, looking deeply into my eyes like only Maura can. "I'm in love with you too," she whispers. "If that makes me gay," she shrugs and smiles at me, "so be it. All I know is that I want to be with you and that I want to make you happy no matter what."

"I'm married," I whisper softly, swallowing a lump in my throat.

"You reported him. He's arrested."

"I have to divorce him," I whisper, feeling like I only now start to realize this.

Maura nods. "Yes."

"I'm just… What if he gets better? What if he goes back to the old Casey?"

"Will you ever trust him again?"

I sigh and know that Maura is right. I won't. If I ever go back to him, I will always keep an eye on him. I will never feel safe around him, always afraid that he might start drinking again. I will never feel safe leaving Sam alone with him again. "No," I whisper. "I won't."

Maura moves her hand up into my hair and her eyes sparkle with love and tears. "Leave him," she whispers, her face so close to mine I can feel her breath on my lips. "Please, don't go back. Stay with me."

I want to restrain myself, I want to take some time to figure out my feelings and not rush into things, but I can't help it. It's like Maura's lips are magnets to mine, our previous kisses not letting me go, leaving me wanting more and more every time.

I close the small space between us and feel her sighing into the kiss. Our lips move effortlessly together and I feel her opening her mouth, hesitantly tracing my lower lip with her tongue. I allow it and the kiss deepens as I feel her tongue for the first time. It leaves me craving for more. Her taste is amazing and I know I'll never get tired of this. I pull her close into me and our kiss seems to last an eternity.

For those few minutes during the kiss, I don't think about Casey or the mess I'm in. All I think about is how amazing it feels to be kissing this beautiful woman, how loved I feel and how safe I feel in her arms. We break the kiss, slightly panting for air and she smiles brightly, her face still inches away from mine.

"I know everything seems messed up and you're unsure of what to do," Maura whispers, looking into my soul, not moving away, "but I love you. No matter what."

I nod and feel tears burning in my eyes at her heartfelt words. "I don't know what to do," I whisper, smiling when I see her looking over my shoulder for a short second to check on Sam before turning her attention back to me. "But I do know that kissing you is now my favorite thing to do. I just don't want to think about what that means."

"You don't have to," Maura answers with a smile, sweetly caressing my cheek, "I mean, you'll have to eventually, but we have time. I'm here."

"Is it stupid that I'm scared?" I ask, feeling more vulnerable than ever.

"No," Maura answers as tears shimmer in her eyes. "I'm scared too."

"You are?"

"Yes." She smiles and never stops her soothing strokes on my cheek. "I've been in love with you for so long… I'm afraid I'll mess it up."

"If anyone's gonna mess anything up, it's me." I smirk and tighten my arms around her waist.

"You won't. No matter how badly you mess up, I'll never stop being in love with you."

I'm surprised when I feel a lump in my throat at Maura's truthful words. I feel the same way and that startles me. I don't think I can stop myself any longer from falling in love with her. If that makes me gay, fuck it. I'll be gay if I can be with Maura.

My smile falls and I avert my gaze. "I'm married," I whisper softly.

Maura looks at me and I see her expression turn to sadness. "I know," she answers softly, her hand massaging my scalp under my curls. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to, Jane."

"I don't know what I want. I want to keep my promise and wait for him to get better…" I sigh deeply and look back up, meeting with loving hazel eyes. "But I also want to stay in your arms and keep kissing you."

"I hate to say it," Maura says, resting her forehead against mine, "but I don't think you can do both. If you choose him, we have to stop."

"I don't want to stop."

"Then you have to choose me," Maura smiles a sad smile and lowers her hands towards my neck, still massaging softly.

I know I have to choose. It's not fair to Casey or Maura to stay in between. I can't keep kissing Maura and who knows what else comes from this, while I'm married to Casey. I can't be waiting for Casey and be with Maura at the same time. I have to figure this out. And I can't do that with this beautiful woman in my arms, her lovely scent overwhelming me, her touch making my heart flutter.

"I need to… I think I need to think about some stuff," I say softly and I immediately see a hint of hope fading away from Maura's expression. "I love you, there's no doubt about that. I just have to think about what that means."

Maura smiles and lightly brushes her lips against mine. It's barely a kiss, but it's enough to make my stomach flip all over again. "I love you too. So, so much." Maura traces my lower lip with her thumb and looks into my eyes. "But I'll keep my distance until we have this all figure out."

"That's gonna be hard, isn't it?" I smile a sad smile and look down at her perfect lips, already missing the taste of them.

Maura smiles and nods her head. "Yes." She presses her lips against mine in a last, desperate kiss and pulls away, but immediately kisses them again. She sighs into the kiss and breaks it, squeezing my arms before she walks back to the living room to take care of Sam.

I watch her interacting with my daughter and smile at the sight when my phone vibrates in the pocket of my jeans. I pull my phone out and my heart skips a beat when I see it's Casey. I close my eyes and pick it up.

"Jane," he greets me, his voice flat and weak.

"Casey." I don't even ask him how he is doing. He doesn't ask me how Sam is doing and that hurts me.

"You reported me?"

"Yeah. You don't want to know how our daughter's doing?"

I hear him sighing deeply and I can hear that the alcohol is almost out of his system. He always sounds tired and flat when he's not drunk. He's waiting for his next drink, but according to she sounds around him, I think he's still at the hospital. I don't know how he got a phone to call me and I decide not to think about it.

"How is she?"

"Concussion."

He hums and doesn't ask further. The son of a bitch doesn't even care. "Are you in the hospital?"

"Thanks to you, yeah."

I don't comment on his words and I just wait for him to continue. "They're forcing me into rehab."

"That's good, Casey."

"I don't need rehab. I told you, I can stop drinking whenever I want."

"Then why have you never stopped?" I ask getting frustrated and angry now. I walk further down the hall and lock myself in the bathroom, not wanting Sam or Maura to hear me. "Why did you wait until it's too late?"

"I can stop whenever I want," he repeats, no emotion showing in his voice. "I don't need rehab."

"You're going anyway," I say sternly.

"Fuck it, Jane, you can't tell me what to do!" He sounds angry and I cringe at that too familiar sound in his voice. Whenever I hear him talk like that, it usually leads to a beat-up. "I'm fine! I'm not going to fucking rehab! I'll be home with you and Sam by tonight. And I expect a fucking dinner. You're not pulling anything like this again!"

In that moment, I make my decision. I will never trust this man again, not even if he's sober. I don't want him around my daughter and I don't want to be with him. "I won't be there," I say softly but determined.

"What?"

"I won't be there."

"Where the fuck are you, Jane?"

"I'm right where I belong." I don't want him to know I'm with Maura; it'll only make things worse. "You're going straight to rehab and you'll be arrested for domestic violence."

"Domestic violence, my ass." He huffs and I hear him shifting positions. "You're my wife, Jane."

"Not for much longer." I hang up the phone and close my eyes, the sound of his voice still alive in my mind.

Am I really doing this? So much is happening in such a short time. It's only been two days and I'm already thinking about divorcing him? I've kissed Maura for the first time last night and I'm already thinking about being in a relationship with her? Am I moving too fast?

My head is spinning. I don't want to go back to Casey. I want to kiss Maura. I want to take care of my daughter. I decide to take it step by step. My first priority is my daughter, as she has always been. So the first step is to make Sam some lemonade. The second step is to bring it to her, give her some kisses and make sure she's okay. The third step is to kiss Maura. That's it. Three steps is the most I can take right now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

 _Maura's POV_

I wake up from a knock on the front door and immediately feel panic in my chest. Jane is sleeping in the guestroom with Sam and I hurry downstairs before the sound can wake her up.

"Jane!" Casey's voice sounds muffled through the door and he sounds drunk. How did he get away? How did he get out of the hospital and how did he get to my house?

"Go away, Casey," I say to him, not opening the door.

"Fuck!" He kicks at my door and I open it, leaving the chain on so it can't be opened all the way.

I look at him and see a bottle of vodka in his hands. "How did you get here?"

"Cops are stupid. She's here, isn't she?"

"You need to leave. You're not allowed to be here."

"I'm allowed to wherever I want, bitch!"

Behind the door, I grab my phone and dial the number of BPD to alarm them, making sure Casey doesn't notice my movements.

"I knew she was here. Is Sam here too? Did you take her as well?"

"You need to leave right now."

"No, I need to be with my wife and daughter."

I decide to stretch time, waiting for the uniforms to arrive to take him in. "You hurt them."

"That's none of your fucking business!" 

"Jane and Sam are my business."

"Oh, you're so arrogant. Like you're the only one that loves Jane, the only one who can take care of Sam."

"You hurt her, Casey! You hit your own daughter!"

"That's none of your business."

I'm happy to hear a car driving up to my house. They probably had someone close to here; otherwise they'd never be this quick.

"Fuck, you called the cops on me?! You fucking dyke!"

My stomach clenches at his insult and I open my door when two cops take the vodka from him and cuff him. "Wait," I order them, stepping closely to Casey who can't hurt me anymore. "I want you to know that you're an awful person, and you don't even deserve to see the light of day. You'll never lay a finger on either of them again, you understand?" I stand closely to him, smelling the alcohol on his breath and the dangerous tone of my voice startles even myself.

"And how do you plan on stopping me?" Casey just grins. It makes me sick.

"I plan on loving both of them more than you ever did." I step back and nod at the cops, guiding them to take him into the car. He'll be in trouble for this. Probably a restraining order, at least I hope so.

I turn around and see Jane standing in the kitchen, watching everything from a distance. There are tears in her eyes and her shoulders are hanging low. She told me yesterday that she doesn't want to get back to him, but she hasn't made a decision according to our relationship. We share the occasional kiss and touch, but that's it.

I close the front door and walk towards her, standing in front of her as she looks at me, her expression blank. "I'm sorry, Jane."

I gasp in surprise when she presses her lips against mine, kissing me with force and determination. I smile into the kiss and tangle my hands in her unruly, perfect curls, pulling her closer into me. I'll never, ever get tired of kissing Jane. Now that I finally kissed her, I never want to stop. I fight to keep my hands in her hair and not let them wander all over her perfect body. We need to keep things slow, she needs to figure things out, and we still need to talk about a lot of things. We need to take it slow.

We break the kiss and I pant into her mouth, looking up into her beautiful dark eyes since I'm shorter than her with no shoes. "What was that for?" I ask with a smile.

"For loving me," she whispers, and I hear disbelief in her voice. "And for sending him away."

"I don't want him close to you anymore," I whisper softly, trying to express my love but I see in Jane's eyes that I've used the wrong words. "I mean, of course it's still your choice and you have to do what your heart tells you to, but…"

"But you don't want me near him."

I shake my head, pushing my entire body into hers, still looking deeply into her eyes. "No. I want you to be near me."

I hear Jane taking a deep breath and I see love in her finally sparkling brown eyes. Oh, how I've missed that sparkle.

"He doesn't deserve me," she whispers and my eyes immediately fill with tears.

I've told her countless times that he doesn't deserve her. Every time she came to me after he beat her up, I told her those exact words. She believes them now. She finally believes them. She finally knows it's true. He doesn't deserve her, not even a little bit of her.

"You do," Jane whispers, placing a quick kiss on the corner of my mouth, leaving me wanting more. "You deserve everything and more."

I don't even reply. I just nod and press my lips against hers. Our lips glide together in perfect synchronization and I can't suppress a moan. I want to feel her skin against mine, I want to roam my hands all over her body and I want to make love to her for hours and hours. I want to make her feel as loved as humanly possible, like she deserves. My hands find their way under Jane's tank top and I caress the soft skin on her back, feeling my stomach tickling at the feeling of her skin under my hands.

We move to the side and I push her up against the kitchen counter, pressing my entire body into hers as my hands move towards Jane's stomach, feeling her tight, oh so amazing abs under my fingers. When I moan again, she stiffens and breaks the kiss.

We are both panting and she rests her forehead against mine. "I…" she whispers, her voice hoarse and sultry, "I can't…"

"You can't what?" I whisper back, fighting the urge to continue our delicious kiss.

Jane hesitates and I move my hands away from under her tank top, wrapping them around her waist in stead as I pull my body away from hers, not breaking eye contact. I move one hand to caress Jane's cheek and smile at her. "Tell me, Jane."

"I can't… I don't think I can… go that far." Jane blushes and I can't help but smile at the utterly adorable sight.

"We don't have to," I whisper, my thumb still caressing her cheek. "We can go as far as you want, and not a single step further. Just tell me."

Jane looks at me confused and I can tell she's not sure what to answer. I smile lovingly. "Just kissing, hugging, but no touching without clothes?"

"You make it sound so clinical," Jane says as she wrinkles her nose but I can tell she's grateful.

I chuckle and tighten my grip around her waist as I hug her close, hiding my face into the crook of her neck. I feel Jane's strong arms wrapping around my upper body, pulling me even closer as she kisses the side of my head. I want to stay here forever. I feel safe, loved and a strange, new feeling of being home overwhelms me. Just being in Jane's arms is making my head spin. I think I will lose my mind when the day arrives we go further.

I'm still afraid that I'm not enough for her. I'm still afraid that she'll think I'm too awkward, weird and too quirky. I'm afraid I'm not good enough for her and that she will see that one day. And that she will go back to him. That is my greatest fear. I know she said she's in love with me and that she's not going back to him, but I don't know what happens when he's sober. I don't know what happens when he tries to claim his parental rights to Sam.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I want Jane all to myself. I want both of them to myself. I want Jane to be mine, and I want Sam to be my daughter. Not his. He doesn't deserve an amazing daughter like Sam. I'm supposed to be with Jane. Kissing her feels so amazingly good, there's no way this isn't meant to be. No one has ever kissed me like Jane does. No one has ever made me feel like this. I remember being in love with Ian, or at least I thought I was. It doesn't even come close to what I feel for Jane. She's my soul mate, my love and my everything. I don't ever want to let her go.

"Are you okay?" I whisper softly, realizing that we haven't talked about Casey stopping by.

Jane sighs and hides her face into my hair. "I don't know," she answers in a sad tone. "Seeing him, hearing his voice… Brings back the worst memories."

"I know." I tighten my grip on her and kiss her neck. "He can't hurt you anymore, Jane."

"I was stupid. I was so stupid."

I pull back to look at the brunette in my arms and feel butterflies in my stomach at the sight of her beautiful eyes looking at me with love. "Stop saying that, Jane. You couldn't have known it would get this bad. You did everything you could. You saved her from him and you brought her here."

"I should've done it years ago."

I can't disagree with that. "Maybe. But that doesn't make it your fault, Jane. You have to know that. It's _his_ fault. Not yours."

"I know you're supposed to say that, but I know it's not true, Maura," Jane says and I see a heartbreaking pain in her eyes. "If I left him sooner, if I had the guts to kick him back… If I didn't marry him in the first place like you told me to… Sam wouldn't be hurt right now."

"You didn't know he could be like this. You couldn't have known how bad it would get."

"I should have known the first time he hit me."

I sigh when I remember that day. She had been absentminded at work all day and I took her to my office to talk in private, and she told me Casey hit her. He had just lost his job and he had been drinking a lot, and he hit her. For no reason. He just got mad at her and hit her across the face. I remember how angry I felt, how much I hated Casey and how I told her he doesn't deserve her. It was only the start.

"Don't blame yourself, Jane," I whisper, my voice almost desperate. "You did everything you could. You gave him another chance because you're a good person. You waited for him to change; you gave him a chance to change. You did all that because you're a good person, Jane." I stroke her cheeks with both my thumbs and softly kiss her lips.

"You're such a good person. Your heart is kind and so full of love. You wanted to give your marriage another try, and another, and another after that. You wanted the best for Sam, you only wanted the best for her. You're such a great mother, Jane. You're an amazing mother and you've been an amazing wife, and now it's time to let go of that last part. You've done all you possibly could and more."

I see tears in Jane's eyes and I wipe one that falls down. "You're so amazing, Jane. You didn't do anything wrong. You're such a generous, caring person… You're so unbelievably beautiful and so, so kind. He doesn't deserve a single part of you." I feel my own tears wetting my cheeks and I press another kiss to her lips.

"You're perfect and I'm so very much in love with you, Jane," I whisper through my tears. "I love every single part of you and I don't think I'll ever stop."

Jane closes her eyes and hides her face in the crook of my neck, pulling my entire body into hers as her arms tighten around me. "Maura," she whispers, not able to get anything else out of her throat.

"It's okay," I whisper, pressing my lips against the side of her head. "I'm here."

"I love you," Jane mumbles into my hair. "I don't want to go back to him ever again. I want to be with you forever and ever," she cries, she finally cries.

I smile and still can't believe this is real. I've been in love with Jane for so long and I had already given up on her returning my love. And now she's saying those words I've wanted to hear for so long. She loves me. She loves me and she wants to be with me. Why? I don't know, I truly don't. But she does. She loves me and I love her back to no end. I love her in tears, I love her when she's angry, I love her when she's grumpy, when she's vulnerable, when she's cheerful, when she's happy and when she hits rock bottom. I love this woman like I've never loved anyone before.

"We should get back to bed," I whisper after a long moment of silence.

Jane pulls back and nods, looking at me with a strange look on her face I can't really pinpoint. Her eyes wander over my face, to my body and back up to my eyes. "You're beautiful," she whispers. "Did you know that? You're goddamn beautiful."

I feel my cheeks burning with a shy blush. "Jane…" I never disliked my appearance and I'm aware of the fact that most people find me fairly attractive, but that's mostly because of the way I dress. Now I'm wearing a robe, no make-up, and my hair is frizzy and probably messy. But still, Jane is looking at me like I'm the most expensive, gorgeous treasure she's ever seen. She looks at me like I look at her.

I capture her lips in another kiss and I feel her hands on my face as she traces my lips with her tongue. I offer her entrance and our tongues glide together in a perfect rhythm. The kiss is so perfect and full of love… It's hot and sexy, but at the same time slow and loving, careful and even hesitant at some moments. It's perfect. It's more than perfect; this is all I need in my life.

"Bed," Jane mumbles between kisses. "Work tomorrow." 

I smile into Jane's lips and don't break our kiss, never wanting this to end. I know our road will be difficult. I know there is a lot of hurt ahead. I know there are a lot of problems to solve and pain to discover, but right now, everything is perfect. My lips on hers, her arms around me… Perfect.

We break the kiss and I smile brightly, my face almost splitting open as I smile from ear to ear. Jane smiles back and it takes my breath away.

"Beautiful," Jane whispers before placing a last quick kiss on my lips. "I really gotta go back to bed though."

I nod. I secretly hope she's going to sleep in my bed tonight, in my arms, but I know she won't and maybe it's for the best. I don't think I'll be able to sleep with her in one bed without making out with her all night, fighting the urge to rip her clothes off and make sweet love to her for hours. Besides that, she should be with Sam. Sam is more important.

We walk upstairs, our fingers laced together. In the hall, she stops and looks at me. Her eyes say 'I'm sorry' and I nod my head.

"I know," I smile and peck her lips. "Go. Go be with your daughter."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

 _Maura's POV_

"Maura!" Sam's small voice pulls me out of a deep sleep and it takes me a few moments to wake up. "Maura!"

She pushes my shoulder and I quickly open my eyes, seeing Sam standing next to my bed with eyes wide in fear. "What's the matter, baby?"

"Mama's doin' scared." Sam's bottom lip is quivering and I immediately get out of bed, taking the girl's hand as we hurry towards the guestroom.

"Jane?" When I enter the room, I see Jane tossing and turning, drenched in sweat, whimpering loudly. A nightmare.

"Jane, babe," I shake her shoulder and try to wake her up. "Wake up, it's just a dream." She doesn't wake up. I want to free her from the awful world she is in, but she's far away.

"Maura, why's mommy not waking up?" Sam asks me, a tear trickling down her cheek. "Is it 'cause of daddy?"

"Oh no, honey." I pull Sam up on the bed next to me while my hand keeps gently pushing Jane's shoulder, still trying to wake her. "Your mom's having a bad dream so we have to wake her."

Sam nods. "Please wake Mommy."

"I'm trying." I push Jane's shoulder harder and raise my voice. "Jane! Jane, sweetheart! Wake up!" 

"NO!" She suddenly shoots up in bed and opens her eyes, looking frantically around the room, panting heavily.

"It's just a dream, Jane." I stroke Jane's hair out of her face where it's sticking to her forehead. "We're here."

I know what her dreams are about. She doesn't have to tell me. She dreams about her worst fears and I know all of those. I know her fears, her passions, her love and her heart. Her worst fear is to lose Sam, that's it. Like my fear is to lose Jane, her fear is to lose her daughter.

"She's here," I say softly as I gently pull Sam closer towards her mother. "She's fine."

Jane sighs and I can see she's desperately trying to hold back her tears. She doesn't want to cry in front of Sam. She wants to stay strong for her, no matter what. She's not even surprised that I immediately guessed what she dreamt about. She knows how well I know her.

"Mama?" Sam asks, looking at Jane with wide eyes.

Jane manages a small smile and pulls her daughter into her lap, hugging the girl tightly to her chest. "I'm okay, baby," she whispers, her voice hoarse and laced with unshed tears. "I'm fine, I'm here."

I can't help it. I want to restrain myself, but I can't. The look in her eyes, the way her expression screams pain and fear… I cup her cheek and want to press my lips against hers, but Jane moves her head down so my lips end up on her forehead. I kiss it repeatedly, desperately wanting to comfort my aching love. I know she doesn't want Sam to know how our relationship progressed, but it still hurts me a little. I love Sam and Jane with all my heart and I want to be able to express that. It makes me aware of the fact that Jane is married. Jane is married and Sam has a father.

I pull away and see a sad smile on Jane's face. "Go back to sleep, Sam," she whispers as she places a loving kiss on Sam's golden brown hair. "It's gonna be okay."

Sam nods and I see she's already drifting back to sleep. Jane gently puts her down on the bed next to her and strokes her forehead, watching her daughter falling asleep.

I feel conflicted. On the one hand, I want to stay and make sure Jane goes to sleep without more nightmares. I know that when she has one, they often occur multiple times that same night so Jane chooses not to sleep at all. I don't want that to happen. With all the stress and hurt, she desperately needs her sleep. But, this is not my place. I'm not Jane's wife, girlfriend, or anything for that matter. I'm not Sam's mother. This is not my place.

After taking a deep breath, I stand up but I feel Jane's hand grabbing my arm. I look down at her and meet with those deep, brown eyes that have tears shimmering in them. The pleading look in her eyes say what I know she wants to ask me. Stay.

"Sam…" I whisper, looking at the three-year old, watching Jane's long fingers making soothing strokes along the girl's hairline.

"She's out," Jane whispers back. A single tear trickles down her cheek. "Please?"

I can never say no to that. Jane holds up the covers for me and I slid in next to her, feeling her arm wrapping around my shoulders, her other arm occupied soothing Sam. I wrap one arm around Jane's waist and use the other to trace her cheekbone, marveling at her beauty in the dark. "It was a bad one, wasn't it?" I whisper softly, referring to her dream.

Jane nods and stares into the dark. "Yeah."

I kiss her jaw and when I pull back, I see that her eyes are closed and her face is starting to relax. I continue a trail of kisses along her jaw, up to her cheekbone and back, ending at the corner of her mouth. Suddenly Jane turns her head and captures my lips in a kiss. The kiss isn't sexy or hot but I've never felt so much love poured into a single kiss. I feel her pain, I feel her nerves and I feel her love. I feel all of it and I take it all in.

We break the kiss but I don't want it to end. I kiss her again, and again and again. Slow and then quick. Loving and then sweet, hard and then soft. I want to make sure she feels how much I love her. I want to make sure she knows she's safe with me and that everything will be okay. Even if I can't possibly know what's going to happen in all this, I know that everything will be okay. Because Jane Rizzoli is strong enough to make it okay.

"Maur, I…"

"Shh, it's okay." I stroke her cheek with my thumbs, noticing how her skin is pale and breaking out here and there from stress. I see the dark circles under her eyes and know she needs to sleep. "Sleep, Jane. I'm here."

She nods and pecks my lips again. "I'm here too," she whispers back.

We snuggle down into the blankets, me curling up into her side, one arm wrapping under Jane's waist as the other rests on her chest, making soft circles with my thumb along her jaw. I rest my head on Jane's shoulder and kiss her neck. I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep in one bed with her without taking it further than just kissing, but I was wrong. All I need is her arms. All I need is to have her close to me, her steady heartbeat, the sound of her slow breaths and her strong arm around me. That's all I'll ever need. In this moment, I don't even care if we never move on from where we are now. I don't care if she's never ready to take our relationship further. This is all I need.

"Maura," she whispers, quietly breaking the silence.

"Hm?"

"I have to talk to that lawyer tomorrow."

I sigh deeply, thinking about the lawyer we hired for her. She's going to take this to court and Casey will be arrested. It's not a tough case, but she needs a lawyer anyway. "Yes, you do."

"Do I have to go to court?"

"Eventually, yes. But it's not like you have to testify in front of a grand jury. It's a rather small case. There's plenty of evidence, he's forced into rehab and already under pre-arrest."

"Do you think…" Jane quietly clears her throat and I know she's trying to find words. "Do you think everyone needs to find out?"

"What do you mean?"

She sighs deeply and I can feel her discomfort. I squeeze her side and place a kiss on her neck, urging her to go on.

"I don't want people to know how stupid I've been," she whispers finally. "They still respect me."

"They will no matter what, Jane."

"Why would you respect a woman who let her husband beat her up? A woman who let her husband beat _her kid_ up?" She huffs and I feel her self-hatred. "There's nothing to respect."

"You made it through," I whisper, popping myself up on my elbow so I can look at her in the dark.

"I don't want people to know how weak I am. I just… I just want to keep this quiet."

"First of all, Jane, you are not weak. You made it through all this and that makes you the strongest woman I've ever known." I lean in to kiss her lips and cup her cheek with my right hand. "Second of all, you're going to file for divorce, it'll be difficult to keep that quiet. He will be arrested."

"Divorce…"

I swallow a lump in my throat and feel my stomach tying in a knot. What if she doesn't want a divorce? But she said she didn't want to go back to him. She said she wanted to be with me. That can't happen if she's married to him. Can it? "I'm sorry, I… I assumed…"

"No, you're right," Jane whispers, her expression blank. "It just... Still sounds strange."

"It's your choice, Jane." I don't want it to be her choice, but it is. I want it to be my choice, but I know it's far from it. She has to decide.

Jane sighs and averts her gaze towards the ceiling. "All I know is how good it feels to have you here with me right now," she whispers so quietly I can barely hear it.

It can be like this always. We could be together, falling asleep in each other's arms after putting our daughter to sleep. Our daughter. Our bed. Our love. It can be like this, I know it can. But I don't say it. I don't want to manipulate her in any way. She has to make her choice, she has to make up her mind and think about what she wants. She knows what I want. She knows I want all of this. Now she has to find her way to knowing what she wants.

"I love you, Jane," I whisper at lack for better words. I could say so many things, but I choose not to. I decide to just tell her how I feel, like she deserves. "I love you and you don't have to say it back. I just want you to know how much I care about you and how much I…"

I hesitate, examining her facial expression. She seems lost in thought but I know she's listening to my words. "I just want you to know I love you with all my heart, I have for a very long time and I will for an even longer time to come."

"How long?" Jane whispers, not moving her attention from the ceiling.

"How long what?"

"How… How long have you been in love with me?"

"Does it really matter?" I ask softly, still caressing her cheek with my thumb. I look at her face and see the tears that are hiding behind her walls. I know she doesn't allow them to fall, but I see them anyway. "I love you. I'm in love with you, all of you."

"I…" Jane whispers, but I feel her heartbeat speeding and her breath quickening.

"You don't have to say it back, Jane," I answer softly and I mean it. I know she loves me, that's enough.

"I want to," she answers, finally looking at me. "Because I do."

I smile and press my lips against hers, capturing them in a quick but loving kiss. I feel her breath hitching in her throat, but her eyes are still dry when I pull back. "You can cry," I whisper, my face inches away from hers, "I'm here."

"I don't want to break," Jane whispers in response, again looking away from me.

"You won't. I won't let you."

Jane looks back at me and I see such gratefulness in her eyes. "I can't," she whispers, her voice barely above a breath. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's okay. I'm here when you can."

I see a grateful smile and kiss it before snuggling back into her side. God, this feels good. In my wildest imagination I couldn't have thought how _right_ this would feel. Us, together in each other's arms, Sam sleeping peacefully next to us. I love her. I love them. I love us.


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N Mild trigger warning for rape at the end of this chapter. Nothing too major or graphic. Just a heads up._

 **Chapter 10**

 _Jane's POV_

"Where's Sam?" he asks me, sitting opposite me across the table. He's looking pale and tired. Getting sober doesn't look good on him.

"She didn't want to come."

"Why not?"

"I think you can figure that out for yourself, Casey." I look at him with anger when I remember how Sam reacted to my question if she wanted to go visit Daddy. Her response was short and clear. No, she didn't want to see him. I didn't want her to, but I thought I needed to give her the option. I'm happy she's done with him as well.

I don't want to see him either, but in a strange way, I feel obliged to. I feel like I have to check up on him, even though he's not my responsibility anymore. He's been in rehab for two weeks and I'm still staying at Maura's. I don't exactly know what's happening between us, but I think it's safe to say we're in a relationship, even though we haven't said it out loud.

"Why'd you come here, Jane?" Casey asks, leaning back in his chair as he looks at the two guards that came with him.

"To make sure you know what's happening." My voice is determined and strong, even though I don't feel any of that inside. I lean forward and look into his eyes, feeling that there is nothing left of my love for this man. "You are arrested for domestic violence. The case about your parental rights to Sam is still in the works, but I'm pretty sure you'll lose them. There's a restraining order and we are getting divorced. I want you out of my life."

He looks at me and I see an apology in his eyes. It catches me off guard. "I'm getting better, Jane."

I sigh and lean back, not wanting to be so close to him. "It's too late for that," I whisper. "Sam doesn't want to see you 'cause she's afraid of you. You made your own daughter afraid of yourself, Casey. You can't fix that."

"You're not even giving me a chance to fix it."

"You blew your chances the minute you touched her." I feel anger burning in the pit of my stomach and I know he can see it in my eyes.

"I was drunk, Jane," Casey answers, his voice calm. "I didn't mean to hurt her."

"But you did."

He sighs deeply but he doesn't apologize. Sam is doing fine now, she's had a headache for quite a few days and the bruises on her head are still showing, but she healed well. The emotional scars however will take longer to fade. She's currently with my mother and I know she always has fun with her grandmother.

"Give me a chance, Jane."

Suddenly I feel a strange kind of sympathy for him. I see pain in his eyes and I see a glimpse of the man I fell in love with once. But then I remember who's waiting for me on the other side of the door. I remember how Maura kissed me before I walked in here, I remember how she took care of Sam this morning and how she looks at me. It can never compare to the way Casey ever looked at me.

"I'm done giving you chances," I say before standing up from my chair.

"What do you expect me to do, Jane?" He raises his voice and every inch of sympathy I ever felt for him is gone. I never want to get back to him. The way he talks to me makes me flinch and I almost expect him hitting me, but then I see one of the guards holding him down in his chair and I remember it's not like that any longer.

"You're planning on raising Sam alone?" He asks, his voice still loud in anger. "You can't do that, Jane. You know that!"

I don't answer him. He's not worth an answer.

"Fucking answer me, Jane!" He yells and a guard wants to lead him away, but I stop him.

"I don't have to answer anything," I say, my voice dangerously calm. "I don't ever want to see you again, and I don't ever want you to even do so much as look at Sam. I'm never, ever coming back to you and if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go back to the woman I love."

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot you suddenly turned into a dyke," he says more calmly now.

I nod at the guards and they take him away. As they open the door, I see Maura waiting for me, leaning with her back against the wall but getting up when she sees me.

It only takes one look at this beautiful woman to make up my mind. The sympathy for Casey is completely gone at the sight of the blonde who is now smiling sympathetically at me. She's wearing a skin-tight skirt with a white blouse tucked into it and she looks absolutely stunning. More stunning than anyone I've ever seen.

"Jane," she walks towards me and places her hands on my upper arms. I can see she's trying to analyze my expression.

"Would you like to be my girlfriend?" I blurt out, almost surprising myself.

"What?"

"Do you…" I suddenly hesitate, wondering where this is all coming from. It doesn't take me long to figure out. I want to be hers. I want to end the Casey-chapter of my life and I want to start a new one with Maura. I want to be hers and I want her to be mine.

"Yes," she says, smiling at me. "I would love to be your girlfriend."

I smile and kiss her lips, smiling into the kiss at the feeling of her perfect, soft lips. Yes, things are moving fast but it's been a long time since I've felt this happy. It's been a long time since I felt butterflies in my stomach and I can't even remember the last time I felt safe in my lover's arms.

The kiss deepens as I trace her bottom lip with my tongue and she moans softly, reminding me that we're in a very public place. I break the kiss and look into her eyes. "We should go home."

"Home," she whispers, stroking my cheek with her thumb. "I like that."

Technically, it's still Maura's house. I have only been home to grab some much-needed stuff from my own place before going back to Maura's house. It feels like home.

We walk towards Maura's car, our fingers laced together. I don't even care about people glancing at us, whispering behind our backs. I'm proud to have this woman beside me.

We drive in silence for a while until Maura's voice breaks it. "Jane," she says as she takes a turn towards home, "can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"I still… I still don't quite understand why you went to go see him," she says, her voice laced with insecurity.

I sigh deeply. I don't even know myself. "I'm not sure," I answer softly. "I just… I wanted to check on him? Talk to him? Show him I'm okay?"

"But why, Jane?" Maura drives the car into the garage and turns off the engine, a thick silence suddenly hanging between us.

I shrug. "Closure?"

"Is that a question?"

"I just wanted to see him so I can finish this part of my life." I turn towards Maura and place my hand on her arm, silently asking her to look at me. "I want to be done with him, I want to start a new chapter." I smile at her but I see the insecurity in her eyes. "I want to start a new chapter with you."

"You do?" She looks at me and I see a hopeful sparkle in those beautiful eyes.

"Yeah," I smile at her and cup her cheek, tracing her adorable freckles with my finger. "I'm done with him. I'm done being hurt, being humiliated. I'm done living in fear."

Maura leans forward and places a light kiss on my lips, smiling lovingly as tears shimmer in her eyes. "I'm so incredibly happy you're getting back to your old self," she whispers barely audible. "I missed you. I love you."

"I love you more," I whisper back, completely aware of how cheesy that sounds.

She blushes and I see that insecurity again. "Maur," I whisper, my hand still on her cheek, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing." She shakes her head and smiles at me. 

"Hives, Maura." I point at her chest and see that it's flushed red.

She sighs and leans sideways in the driver's seat. "It just makes me insecure, that's all. When you told me you wanted to go see him… I just… I don't know, I just still can't believe you want to be with me."

"Why?" I can't help but chuckle. "How can you not believe that I want to be with the most gorgeous, brilliant and sweet woman on the planet?"

She shrugs. "I'm not perfect. I'm quirky, sometimes a little awkward in social situations and I often say the wrong things."

"You're beautiful, caring and you have an exceptional gifts of saying the right things." I smile and peck her lips. "Okay, maybe sometimes you blurt out medical terminology at awkward moments," I laugh when I see a shy smile on Maura's face, "but that's why I love you. It's adorable."

"Jane,"

"I love you," I interrupt her. "Only you."

"God, I love you too," she whispers back before capturing my lips in a heated kiss. She tangles her hands in my hair and pulls me into her, her other hand resting on my neck.

I wrap my arms around her waist but I don't like how far we are from each other so I pull her over the center of the car, helping her to climb into my lap. She straddles me and smiles. "You're so beautiful, Jane," she whispers.

I don't answer and just kiss her again, my tongue exploring the now familiar territory of her mouth. My hands pull her blouse from her skirt and roam over the soft skin on her sides. She shivers at my touch and I hear a soft moan.

We haven't done more than just making out and I feel slightly nervous. I think I'm ready and I want to make her feel good, but I've never been with a woman before. I'm not sure what to do and I'm afraid I'll disappoint her.

"Let's go inside, Jane," she whispers into my mouth.

I don't know how, but we manage to get out of the car and walk upstairs without breaking our kiss for more than a few seconds. Reaching the bedroom, I gently put her down on the bed and straddle her, leaning up on one arm to avoid crushing her as our lips glide together perfectly.

She pulls my T-shirt over my head and I unbutton her blouse, marveling at the sight of her perfect breasts dressed in a simple black bra. I slowly lean down and kiss each and every freckle on her chest. I feel her heartbeat speeding and her raged breaths. I kiss the swell of her breasts and can't believe this woman is beneath me, accepting my love and devotion.

Suddenly she tightens her grip around my waist and spins us around so that she's straddling me. She smiles down at me and kisses my lips again, her hand finding their way down my stomach, tracing the hem of my pants. She moves down and kisses my collarbone, kissing down to my chest and the top of my breasts.

I should feel aroused. I should be turned on beyond belief. I should be putty in her hands. But I'm not. Maura is the most beautiful creature to ever walk this earth, and she's the sexiest woman I've ever seen. She's writhing above me, slightly grinding her hips on me as her perfect lips keep kissing along my upper body. And yet, my panties are completely dry. What's wrong with me?

I shake my head. I think too much. I just have to allow her to love me. She guides me to sit up and she reaches behind my back to unclasp my bra. She smiles at me to make sure I'm okay and I smile back, giving her permission. She loosens my bra and stares down at my now exposed breasts. "Beautiful," she whispers barely audible. "Absolutely beautiful."

I blush and smile when she lowers me again, kissing my breasts while I undo her bra, hearing her moan when our naked breasts touch. "God, the things you do to me, Jane," she whispers seductively, unzipping her skirt with one hand as the other gently cups my left breast.

She kicks off her skirt and I feel the dampness in her panties against my thigh. It only makes me more aware of how dry mine are. I tense and Maura notices it immediately.

She stops her movements and looks at me. "You're not comfortable," she whispers at me. She doesn't sound disappointed or angry in the slightest.

"I just… I've never done this before," I whisper back, trying to manage a smile.

"Me neither, Jane." She moves off me and lies closely next to me, her hand tracing the skin on my stomach, her eyes still examining my face. "You don't have to be insecure, my love."

I shake my head and try to explain to her that that isn't the real problem, but she doesn't let me. "You have no idea what you do to me, Jane," she whispers, lightly kissing my cheek. "You arouse me with just a look. Just kissing you drives me crazy."

"That's not it," I answer in a soft whisper, averting my gaze towards the ceiling.

"Then what is it? Am I not doing it right? Did I go too fast? Do you need more time? Oh God, are you not attracted to me enough to arouse you?"

"No!" I cup her cheek and kiss her lips. "No, that's not it. Maura, you're the sexiest woman alive and you turn me on like no one else."

Maura sighs and I see love edged on her face. "You're not ready," she whispers.

I feel tears burning in my eyes and I despise myself. "I don't know what's wrong," I answer her, turning my head as I feel a tear trickling down into my hair. "It's stupid. Here I am with the hottest woman on the planet who loves me and wants to make love to me, and my panties have never been dryer."

"It's okay, Jane." Maura traces my stomach and kissed my temple. "We'll wait. It's okay."

"It's not that I'm not attracted to you, Maur," I whisper back, feeling vulnerable and hurt. "I'm wildly attracted to you. I love you."

"A lot has happened in a very short time. We can take it slow." She senses my discomfort and reaches to grab my shirt, offering it to me but I shake my head.

"Can we just… stay? Like this?"

She nods and I hear her swallowing hard. I wrap my arms around her and she rests her head on my chest, still lightly caressing my stomach. "Jane?"

"Hm?"

"Did…" she sighs and I feel her tensing in my arms. "Did Casey ever assault you? Like… sexually?"

"What do you mean?" I feel my heartbeat speeding and my throat closing up. I remember all those times he forced himself on me and pumped away before falling into a deep sleep. I remember him groping me to get himself off, I remember allowing him because he was my husband. I remember thinking it wasn't a bad thing because we were married and I was his, but the tone in Maura's voice is telling me something else.

"Did he ever touch you in a sexual way without your permission?"

"Maura,"

"I want to know, Jane," she says more sternly, leaning up to look at me.

"He had sex with me, yeah. But we were married."

"Did you give him permission?"

"I was married to him."

Maura sighs deeply and traces my jaw with her hand. "He still needs your permission."

I close my eyes and know my confession will hurt Maura. "No, I didn't give him permission. Most of the time he was too drunk to get it up, but once he finally did, he just pounded away and got himself off and fell asleep afterwards." I look back at Maura and I see tears trickling down her cheeks.

She sniffles and wipes a tear that falls from her eyes on my chest. "Jane," she whispers barely audible, "he raped you."


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N Thank you all for the great support, it means a lot to me! English is not my native language so I apologize for any mistakes. As I've said, I finished this story already and I'll try to upload a chapter every other day. It has 27 chapters total. Besides this one, I'm working on my family-fic 'Family is Fover', check it out if you want to!_

 _Please let me know your thoughts and feelings about this chapter. Thank you!_

 **Chapter 11**

 _Jane's POV_

"I was his wife, Maur," I whisper, reaching up to wipe the tears from her cheek. "Yeah, technically I think you can call it rape, but I was his."

"Marrying someone doesn't make them property, Jane. You know that." Maura trails her hand down my still naked chest but avoids any sexual touch. She gently caresses my stomach. "I would never force you. I would always stop if you're not comfortable, I would always make sure you're feeling good. That's how it's supposed to be."

I swallow a lump in my throat and don't know what to say. I never thought about it this way. Rape. That sounds awful. I've always known it was wrong. I knew he was violating me, I knew he was abusing me. I just never thought of the term rape before. It makes me feel weak. Vulnerable. Damaged.

I want to make it go away. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be the woman that let her husband use her. I don't want it. "He had his needs," I whisper, desperately trying to make this awful pain in my chest go away.

"That's not an excuse. Not in the slightest."

"I married him, Maura!" I feel myself getting angry. Not at Maura. Not even at Casey. I'm angry with myself. "He wanted to have sex, he had the right to. He didn't get me wet so he squirted lube on me and pumped a few times, got off and fell asleep,-"

"That's rape, Jane!" Maura raises her voice and her tears are streaming down her face. "He had no right!"

"He was my husband."

"Jane," her voice is soft and loving again, "I would never continue if I felt you weren't naturally lubricated. Not as girlfriends, not as partners, not as your wife."

I feel my stomach tying in knots and I can barely breathe. I'm dizzy and I'm seeing stars. Maura senses my discomfort and pulls me up to sit up, guiding me to lean forward, putting my head between my legs. "Breathe, Jane," she whispers, soothingly rubbing my still naked back.

"I can't…" My breath hitches in my throat and I think I can cry for hours, but my eyes are dry. "I can't be a victim of domestic violence _and_ rape."

"You're not." Maura kisses my temple and never stops her soothing strokes on my back. "You're a survivor, not a victim."

"That's just some crap therapists came up with to make victims feel better about themselves."

"It's true, Jane."

I nod but I'm not convinced. I feel weak and damaged. "What if I can never do it again?" I ask softly.

"Do what again?" Maura asks, but she sighs when she realizes what I meant. "You'll be able to make love again, babe. Maybe it'll take a while, but that's okay."

"I don't want to make you wait," I whisper, lifting my head to look at the beauty sitting closely next to me.

"I want to wait." Maura kisses my cheek and I feel the tears on her wet cheeks. "I'll wait forever if I have to."

I shake my head and want to protest, but Maura doesn't let me. "I'd rather be with you and never make love to you then be without you. I'd rather wait forever than spend one day of my life without you by my side."

I look at the woman next to me and I am at loss for words. I still can't believe there is someone in this world that loves me as much as Maura loves me. I still can't believe it's possible to love someone as much as I love Maura. I never knew it was supposed to feel like this. I never knew what it was like to be in love until I allowed myself to fall in love with Maura.

"Maur, I…" I truly don't know what to say. "I love you."

I regulate my breathing and lie back down, bringing Maura down on top of me. She kisses my lips before snuggling into my arms. I trace patterns along her naked back and desperately try not to panic. "You're beautiful, Maura," I whisper, wanting to make sure she knows how gorgeous she is to me while I try to repress the burning ache in my chest.

"So are you." Maura tangles her hand in my hair and pulls herself even closer to me. I feel safe and home.

"Maur…" I whisper quietly as I watch the late afternoon sun shining through the curtains, "do I have to… Should I report this as well?"

Maura sighs and kisses my jaw. "I think it's good to mention it to your lawyer. It can extend his conviction."

"I don't want anyone to know." The vulnerability in my voice startles even myself. It's been a long time since I've opened up like this. It's been a long time since I felt safe enough to be vulnerable. I know Maura will never deliberately hurt me. I know she won't judge me, I know my heart is safe in her hands.

"Nobody has to know." Maura lifts her head and looks down at me with such love I feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

"You won't tell anyone?" I know she won't, but a part of me needs to hear it.

"Never." Maura leans down to press her lips against mine, kissing me softly and repeatedly. "Never, Jane." She kisses me again and again. "I promise."

I want to show her how grateful I am. I want to thank her for loving me, for catching me, for taking care of me. I want to express my gratitude but I can't. The words won't get out of my throat and I don't trust my voice. I look at Maura and she nods. I don't even need to tell her. She doesn't even need to hear the words. All she needs is to look into my eyes.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her on top of me, hiding my face into the crook of her neck, placing soft kisses there. I don't know why, but I can't cry. I feel the tears closing up my throat and I feel my eyes burning, but I can't. I feel so overwhelmed that I don't know what to feel anymore.

Knowing that he abused me was something I could handle, at least that's what I thought. But now that the word 'rape' has been mentioned… I don't know how to deal with this. What if I'll be damaged forever? What if I'll forever see his face when someone yells, feel his hands on me when someone touches me? What if I'll never be the same again? I'm damaged goods. I'm a 'survivor'. I hate that term. I just want to be Jane Rizzoli. I just want to be Sam's mother, a homicide detective, a sister, a daughter and Maura's girlfriend. I don't want to be his anymore. Not even in memories.

"Jane," Maura whispers softly, her voice careful and hesitant, "you need medical attention."

"No," I immediately protest, "why?"

She doesn't move from on top of me and sighs deeply. "You know why."

I do. I know why. I need a check-up. I don't think Casey had sex with anyone else but me, but I don't know that for sure. "Can you do it?"

"I don't have the equipment for that, Jane. And I'm not a gynecologist."

"But you can tell when something's wrong, can't you?"

She takes a deep breath and I know all she wants to do is drag me to a hospital, but I'll refuse that with all I have. I'm not letting people pity me. I'm not letting someone poke around in my private parts, feeling sorry for me because of what he did.

"Yes."

I pull her closer on top of me and kiss her head. "Please?"

She nods. Slowly, barely sensible, but she nods. She'll take care of me. She always will.

We lie in the same position for a long time. Maura keeps kissing my head, making soft strokes on my stomach while I place gentle kisses on her neck and shoulders. We don't speak, we don't move, we just lie here. I feel bad for making her wait, but I know she wants to. And I know it will be worth the wait.

After half an hour, I hear the front door opening downstairs. I think my mother is bringing Sam home. Besides Maura, she's the only one that knows about Casey. Maura and I told her together a few days ago. She was infuriated and hugged me for what felt like hours, telling me over and over again that she was proud of me for leaving him. I'm relieved that she knows. My mother can be pretty invasive and normally, she knows everything about me. It had been excruciating holding this from her for such a long time. She doesn't know what's really going on between me and Maura, because, well, we didn't even know it ourselves until today, but she knows I'm staying with Maura for a reason. She knows Maura cares about me and she knows me and Sam are safe with her.

"That's your mother and Sam," Maura whispers, peeling herself off me before kissing my lips. "Should I tell them you're sleeping?"

"No, I wanna see Sam." I smile and sit up, looking for my T-shirt on the bed. I pull it over my head and watch Maura standing up from the bed, walking around the room to gather her clothes. She truly is a gorgeous woman. Her freckled skin, her beautiful curves, her amazingly toned legs from walking in heels all the time… And then her perfect ass, and those godly amazing breasts… I really don't know how my body refuses to respond to her sexiness.

I sigh and get out of bed, kissing Maura's cheek before I walk downstairs. I smile brightly at the sight of my beautiful little girl letting go of Ma's hand and running towards me.

"Hey, peanut." I smile and lift Sam off the floor, hugging her to my front as I feel her small arms wrapping around my neck. "Did you have fun with grandma?"

"Oh, yes we did." My ma chuckles and kisses my cheek. "Are you okay, Janie?"

I rest my cheek against the side of Sam's head and look at my mother. I know I can't fool her. "Not really," I whisper. "But I will be."

"Hi, Angela," Maura greets my mother as she walks into the living room. She steps towards me and kisses Sam's cheek. "Hey little girl."

"How are you, Maura?" Ma asks her with a sweet smile.

Maura sighs and I know she can't lie. "I've been better." She smiles at my mother and I feel her hand on my lower back. "I don't like to watch people I love being in pain."

"People you love, huh?" my mother asks her. Her tone isn't invasive or snoopy. She genuinely wants to know.

Maura looks at me with wide eyes, not knowing what to say. I sigh and wrap one arm around Maura's waist, the other holding Sam on my hip. "Yeah," I say softly, looking at my mother with a smile.

"Oh, thank God." She throws her head back and wraps both her arms around us three. She pulls back and smiles at Maura. "Take care of my Janie, okay?"

"Of course." Maura smiles and I feel her brushing my hair back as she looks at me with pure love. "Always."

"Thanks for taking Sam today, Ma." I want to change the subject before I get emotional and sappy. Maura does things to me I'm not willing to admit to my mother.

"No problem. We had fun today, didn't we Sam?"

"Yah." Sam turns towards her grandmother and smiles before looking back at me. "We plays in the park!"

"You did?" I smile at the sparkle in her beautiful dark eyes and kiss her cheek.

"She probably needs a shower tonight," my mother says with a smile, pointing at the stains in Sam's pants.

"Noted."

"Okay, I have to go." My mom kisses my cheek, Sam's cheek and then gives Maura a quick hug. "Bye, girls."

"Thanks, Ma." I smile as I watch her leave. "Bye."

"What did you play, honey?" Maura asks Sam, her hand still on my back.

"In the sands, and on the slide."

"Oh, that sounds like fun," I answer as I walk towards the kitchen to pour her something to drink. "I wish I'd been there too."

Sam nods and plays with my hair. "But you had to go to Daddy."

I sigh and tuck her hair behind her ear. "Yeah, I did."

"Why, Mommy? You says Daddy's gonna be away…"

"I know, baby." I move her to my front so I can look in her eyes. "I just had to talk to him for a while. I told him we're gonna be staying with Maura."

Sam bounces up and down in my arms and smiles brightly. "We're gonna live at Maura?"

Her question catches me off guard and I look over her head at Maura. We've just estimated our relationship as 'girlfriends' today. I know we're practically living together already, but my stuff is mostly still at my old house and nothing is official yet.

"I wanna live at Maura's, Mommy!" Sam says loudly, still bouncing. "Can we?"

I smile at her and I know there's nothing I want more. I want to be with Maura. "You'll have to ask Maura, honey."

Sam nods and squirms out of my arms, hopping on the floor to run towards Maura who is standing on the other side of the kitchen counter, tears shimmering in her eyes as she looks at me with love and devotion.

"Maura! Is Mommy and I gonna live here?" Sam asks, looking up at Maura with an expecting smile.

I walk around the counter and watch Maura kneeling in front of Sam to get to her eyelevel. "Would you like that?" she asks softly, a single tear trickling down her cheek. Sam doesn't notice it.

"Yeaaaaahh!" She almost jumps up and down and smiles brighter than I've seen her smile in a very long time. "I wants to be family with you and Mommy, Maura!"

I will never forget the smile that brightens up Maura's face. I will never forget the way she wraps my daughter in her arms, crying silent tears of pure joy and love. "Nothing would make me happier," she whispers, looking up at me with a loving smile. "Nothing."

"What's that mean, Maura?" Sam asks, pulling away from the blonde to look at her.

Maura laughs and wipes her tears before caressing Sam's cheek for a second. "That means yes, honey. Yes, I'd love it if you and your mom live here."

"Why's you crying?" Sam asks, her voice suddenly soft and caring.

"Because it makes me happy that you'll live with me," she smiles and wipes her tears again. "And because I love you and your mommy so much."

Sam nods like she understands. "I loves you too, Maura."

I watch Maura wrapping her arms around Sam and pulling her up from the floor, hugging her tight. She moves Sam to her hip and cups my cheek, looking deeply into my eyes. "Do you want this, Jane?" she whispers sincerely.

I smile and press my lips against hers in a quick but loving kiss. "Nothing would make me happier."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

 _Maura's POV_

We don't think about our kiss to celebrate the plans of living together until Sam gasps, reminding me of the fact that she doesn't know how her mother's relationship with me has progressed.

"Why's you kissing Mommy?" Sam asks me, looking at me from my hip.

"Oh…" I look at Jane and raise my eyebrows, silently asking her what to do. I don't know if she wants Sam to know about us, I don't know how she wants to handle this.

"Maura's kissing me 'cause we're in love, baby," Jane answers and my doubts are put at ease.

"What's that?"

Jane sighs and I can tell she doesn't want to bring Casey into this. How do you explain love to a three year old? How do you explain the never-ending, unconditional, deep love we share? There are no words to describe it. It's safe, it's warm, it's how it's supposed to be and it's home.

"It means that I love Maura a whole lot," Jane smiles and brushes Sam's dark golden hair back, "and that she makes me happy."

"Happy?" Sam is listening intently, looking at her mother with wide eyes.

"Yeah. She's soft and pretty and smart and so, so sweet…" Jane turns her attention towards me and I think I'm melting right here just from the way she looks at me. "And I'm in love with her."

"I'm in loves too!" Sam straightens her back and grins proudly.

I chuckle and look at Jane who has that look of pure, motherly love in her eyes, a look she reserves for Sam only. "You are?"

"Yeah, 'cause you is soft and pretty too." She nods and reaches her arm towards Jane who gladly takes the girl from my arms into hers. "And Maura too."

"Thank you, baby," Jane whispers, smiling at me over Sam's shoulder. "But I don't think you're in love."

"Am too!"

Jane laughs, a sound that makes my heart swell with love. "There's a difference between being _in_ love and just loving. I love you a whole lot too, but it's a different kind of love than I feel for Maura."

"Oh," Sam says, looking at Jane as her mouth hangs slightly open in fascination.

"You see, there are a lot of different loves," Jane explains, walking around the counter to put Sam on top of it while she grabs a cup for her daughter. "I love you, and I love Maura and I love you both the most in the whole world."

I grab some juice from the fridge and pour it into the cup, eliciting a sweet smile from Jane. Jane hands Sam the drink and kisses her forehead. "Besides, you can't be in love with Maura 'cause I'm very, very, _very_ muchin love with her and she's mine." She smirks and winks at Sam who giggles at Jane's words.

Sam laughs at Jane, clearly not understanding the depth of Jane's words. But I do. Hearing Jane saying how she feels about me never fails to make my stomach flutter. I step towards her and cup her cheek to kiss her, fighting to keep the kiss light. "I love you, Jane," I whisper into her mouth. "I'm yours."

Jane smiles and pecks my lips again before turning back to Sam. "How are you feeling about going out for dinner, peanut?"

Sam nods enthusiastically. "Yeah."

I love it. I love all of it. I know Sam isn't my daughter, but I really do feel like taking my family out do dinner. People assume we are Sam's parents and I never knew how happy that could make me. I love that little girl with all my heart and I love Jane even more. No, not more. Differently. I love Jane's explanation about different kinds of love. My love for Jane is the soaring, flying, sexy, devoted love. I want to spend every minute of every day with her, in her arms and with my lips on hers. My love for Sam is unconditional, caring and protective. I want to protect her from all the harm in the world.

Dinner is peaceful and feels like it's always been like this. We go to a small Italian restaurant where Sam discovers she loves spaghetti with tomatoes. I think she's eaten at least five entire tomatoes by the end of the night and her face is red from the spaghetti sauce. The sight is utterly adorable. Jane is quiet but not in a bad way. She looks relaxed. For the first time in months, maybe even years, she's truly at ease. Her muscles are relaxed, her face looks peaceful and her eyes… Oh, her eyes are sparkling again. I can't keep my eyes off her all night.

After dinner, we slowly walk outside on our way to the car, still stuffed from all the food, feeling happy, tired and satisfied.

"Maur," Jane laces her fingers in mine, her other hand holding a very tired three-year old, "I need to get our stuff at some point."

I sigh and know what she means. She has been going back and forth to her old house to grab the most necessary stuff, but I know she doesn't like to go back there. The house is too full of awful memories. But now that we decided to move in together, we have to move everything, or at least Jane's stuff.

"I know," I answer, gently squeezing her hand. "What do you want to do with the house?"

She shrugs. "Get rid of it."

"What about…" I hesitate and feel a physical aversion to even say his name, "what about Casey?"

"I pay the rent. I can decide what to do with it."

She's too calm about this, I can tell. "Jane…"

"I just want to make the transition as easy as possible for Sam," she says, giving me a pleading look. "I'll ask the guys to help this weekend, is that okay?"

I nod. "Of course."

We drive home and for the first time, Jane puts Sam to bed and comes back downstairs where I am having a glass of wine and catching up on some e-mail. I feel her arms wrapping around my waist from behind and jump at the touch before leaning back into her front, humming contently. "You're not sleeping with Sam tonight?" I whisper, tangling my hand in her hair behind me.

"She's out like a light," Jane whispers into my ear. "I thought… Maybe, if you… if it's okay…"

I chuckle and turn around to capture her lips in a loving kiss. "Please sleep with me tonight, Jane." I smile but my smile falls when I realize what I just said. "I mean, I don't mean _sleep with me_ I just mean, sleep in my bed, really sleeping, not having intercourse in any way, just…"

Jane cuts me off with a kiss on my lips and I sigh deeply, enjoying the feeling of her lips against mine, her mouth opening slightly as the kiss deepens. We kiss slowly and lovingly, my hands massaging her scalp as hers are on my back and my sides. Her touch overwhelms me and completes me. I don't know how long we kiss, but it's long. We don't move a single step and neither of us tries to go further than a good make-out session. It's absolutely perfect. It's more than perfect. It's home. It's love. It's safe and it's delicious. It's everything I've ever wanted.

When we break the kiss, our foreheads rest together and we look in each other's eyes for a few long moments. "I love you, Maura," Jane whispers, her fingers tracing the freckles on my chest. "I know I'm damaged and there's a lot left to process but I love you so much."

"You're not damaged, Jane," I whisper back as I cup her face and stroke her cheekbones with my thumbs. "You're perfect in your own imperfect way and I love you more than I could ever tell you."

She doesn't reply and I know it's because she can't find the words to express her feelings. She hides her face in the crook of my neck and I pull her as close as humanly possible. It feels so good to have her in my arms, no feeling can compare to this. Or that's what I thought.

After a few more minutes, we go upstairs and finish our nightly routine. We crawl into bed together and I snuggle into her side when her strong arms wrap around me. That's the feeling nothing can compare to. This is the best feeling in the entire world. The feeling of Jane sleeping next to me. Her steady breathing, and the sound of her heartbeat under my ear as my head rests on her chest. This is how things are supposed to be. Sleeping in her arms, waking up in her arms, admiring her gorgeous face in the light of the early morning sun… I've never felt more love in all my life.

The next few days we go into work for a not so difficult case, catching a rather stupid murderer who left traces all over the crime scene and victim. We look forward to the weekend, but I know Jane is dreading it as well. It's moving day on Saturday.

She composes herself very well during the entire day. Sam is with Angela and Frost and Frankie are helping us move. There's not a lot to move however. We move Sam's old bed to put in her new bedroom, which we will decorate to her taste later. We empty all the closets, bring some supplies from the kitchen, all of Jane and Sam's personal stuff, until the house is empty except for Casey's stuff. A moving company will remove the rest later today.

"It looks bigger like this," Jane says, looking around the living room at the empty closets, walls and floors.

I step towards her and place my hand on her back. "It does, doesn't it?" I smile and look around the room. It has large windows in the front, making the room seem bigger because of the light. It's not big, but it's cozy and just right for three people. "It's really a nice house."

Jane sighs deeply and turns her attention towards the kitchen and dining room. "I hate it," she whispers. "Every single inch of this house has a terrible memory."

"I know." I move closer to her and grab her hand to lace our fingers together. This house has been a prison to her for many years. It was a prison with the doors wide open, but she was too committed, too stubborn and too afraid to leave. She wasn't afraid for herself, she knew she could take care of herself. She was afraid for Sam. She was afraid what he might do to the little girl if she left him. She was afraid what would happen to Sam if she knew who her father really was. She stayed with him for Sam. She stayed in this prison for her.

Jane looks at the spot against the wall where the TV used to be. "That's where she fell," she whispers barely audible. "She was lying there when I came downstairs."

"Babe…" I study her facial expression and see her tensing as pain shows in her eyes.

"Over there," she points at the dining room, "he broke my rib."

I remember that time. Sam was only a few months old and she was crying all night, which pissed Casey off. Jane did everything to keep the little baby quiet, but babies are babies and they cry. He blamed her for not doing enough and I found her on my doorstep at 6am in the morning, holding a crying baby in her arms.

"This was his drinking chair," she said turning to an ugly brown chair in the corner of the living room. "As long as he was in there, everything was fine." She smiles a sad smile. "I've seen him holding Sam in this chair once. She was only a few weeks old and he was holding her and smiling at her. I thought everything was gonna be fine from that moment on. Couldn't have been more wrong."

"Jane…" I search my brain but I don't know what to say. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing and make Jane close up again.

"Sam started crying and he ordered me to fix it," Jane continues, her voice soft and her look absentminded. "I took her from him. He got angry. Beat me up after I put Sam to sleep."

"Bloody nose and a bruise on your neck," I whisper, remembering exactly how she came to me that night.

She looks at me, and smiles sadly. "You remember?"

I nod. "I do. You were hopeful that night." I sigh and squeeze her hand in mine. "You thought he would be a good father one day because you saw him holding Sam."

"Again, couldn't have been more wrong."

"You couldn't have known," I say softly, my voice laced with pain and sympathy.

She smiles but doesn't look into my eyes. "He broke that window once," she points at the window in the living room, "throwing a vase at my head. He missed me. Decided to throw a chair in stead."

"Sever bruising on your ribs, a cut on your forehead."

She nods and I see tears in her eyes. She rarely cries. She keeps it inside, she's afraid to break. But I know she has to. I know she has to allow it, I know she has to break at some point. I brush her hair back and stroke her temple.

"The noise woke Sam up so I brought her to with me to your house," Jane whispered, finally looking at me. "As soon as she was in your arms, she stopped crying."

"Yes, she did," I whisper with a loving smile. I cup her cheek and move to stand in front of her.

"You've always been better to her than he ever was," Jane whispers and I see tears in her dark eyes.

"I love her." I give Jane a quick kiss and keep my face close to hers. "He didn't."

Jane shakes her head and a tear trickles down her cheek. "No," she whispers, desperately trying to hold back her tears but failing.

"He didn't see how lucky he was to have such a sweet, beautiful daughter," I continue, my voice nothing more than a soft whisper, my face still inches away from hers. "He didn't know how lucky he was to have you in his life. He had no idea."

Jane shakes her head and I see she's starting to give up on holding back her tears. I cup her cheeks with both my hands and wipe her tears with my thumbs. My voice is barely audible and just above a breath. "My love…"

That's it. That's what breaks her. She slumps down in my arms as violent sobs wreck her body. I hold her tight to me and feel her tears soaking my blouse. I feel her shaking arms wrapping around my waist where she clings to me. I feel her raged breaths against my neck as heartbreaking sobs escape her body.

"I let him…" she sobs against me, her voice raw and weak.

"Shh," I rub her back and pull her close, fighting my own tears, "you didn't let him. You stayed with him because you gave him a chance. You stayed with him for Sam. You didn't let him. It's not your fault."

Jane's sob continues and I'm not sure she's hearing my words, but I continue anyway. My voice is soft and soothing and I can't hold back my tears any longer. Seeing this strong woman fall apart stirs something in me I didn't know I had. I want to shield Jane from all the hurt in the world, I want to keep her in my arms forever. "You're so brave, Jane. You're so strong, so brave. You left him; you had the courage to leave him. You're not his anymore, you're yours."

Jane shakes her head and I'm a little surprised she did hear me. "No," she hiccups and clings tighter to me, "yours," she whispers after another sob, "yours."

"You're not mine," I whisper back, kissing the side of her head. "You don't belong to me. I'm so lucky to even have you in my life. You're not mine. You don't belong to anyone but yourself." I pull back and look into her eyes, seeing tears streaming down her face, her eyes bloodshot and filled with pain. "It's time to take back your life, Jane."

Jane looks directly into my eyes and I see love slowly replacing the pain. "I wanna have a life with you," she whispers, wiping her cheek with the back of her hand.

I smile and lean forward to press my lips against her, grounding us in a loving kiss. Our tears make the kiss sloppy and wet, but our love makes it perfect. "Nothing would make me happier."

I pull her back to me and her sobs fade into silent cries. After a few minutes, Frankie and Frost enter the living room, coming back from another drive to our house. "Janie?"

Jane doesn't reply and buries herself further into my shoulder. I sigh and look over her at her brother. "She'll be okay," I say softly, managing a reassuring smile.

They don't know the entire story. All they know is that Casey was bad to her and that she's divorcing him and moving in with me. I think they've figured out the depth of our relationship, but they haven't mentioned anything yet.

Frost senses he shouldn't ask further and looks around the room. "We'll drop the last of the boxes off at your place?"

"Yes, thank you." I smile at him, happy for his understanding. Frankie hesitates but her moves after a pat on his back from Frost.

Jane sighs and her tears don't stop falling. "I didn't want them to see me like this," she whispers quietly into my shoulder.

"He's your brother. He loves you. As does Detective Frost."

Jane pulls back and nods. I reach up to wipe her tears with both my hands, smiling when she does the same with mine. I kiss her lips and look deeply into her eyes, my thumbs still wiping the tears that just keep on falling. "I love you so much, Jane."

"I love you too," she whispers, her hand falling on my chest. "I don't know how I've never realized it… I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before."


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

 _Maura's POV_

"You like your new bedroom, kiddo?" Jane asks with a smile when Sam walks into her new bedroom, which we are currently painting bright blue.

"Yeah." Sam nods and sits down on the mattress on the floor. The bed isn't assembled yet.

"We have to decide where we're gonna put your pictures later," Jane says while she dips her roller into the paint.

"Hm hm."

I turn around and see worry on Jane's face when she looks at her daughter. The girl is tired and a little off today. She has been spending Saturday with Angela while we moved the stuff out of Jane's old house, and she's with us this Sunday while we paint her new room. Frankie is downstairs putting together a closet for Sam's room and Angela is probably making something to eat in the kitchen.

"You okay, peanut?" Jane asks, putting down her roller to sit next to Sam.

Sam nods but doesn't reply. Jane sighs. "Are you still happy we're gonna live with Maura?"

She nods again. I feel a little out of place and uncomfortable so I go back to painting my part of the wall. "Remember your promise, Sam?" Jane asks softly.

"Yeah."

"What was it?"

"To tells you when I'm not happy."

"Exactly." I hear Jane kissing the girl and I know the look of love she has in her eyes. "You'll tell me when you're not happy here, right?"

"I likes Maura," Sam answers her mother. "She's makes Mommy smile."

I turn around and smile at Jane, seeing her smiling back at me. "Yeah, she does." Jane kisses Sam's light brown hair and rubs her back. "But I wanna know if _you_ 're happy. I wanna know if you're okay living here."

"I wanna live at Maura's house."

"You know honey," I put down my roller and kneel in front of Jane and Sam, "it's your house now too. It's our house."

I'm happy to see Sam giggling at my words. "It's not my house. I's too little to have a house."

I chuckle at the girl and gently caress her cheek for a second. "Well, the house is now mine and your Mommy's, and that makes it a little bit yours too."

Sam smiles at me. "Okay."

"Does that sound good, baby?" Jane asks, still rubbing her daughter's back.

Sam nods. "I like the blue's of my room."

"Hm, me too." Jane pecks Sam's cheek and stands up from the mattress to go back to the wall.

"You're just like your mom, you know that?" I say with a smile, standing up to grab my roller. "She doesn't want pink and flowers either."

"Flowers are stupid. I wants blue."

"That's my girl." Jane smiles brightly and gives me a quick kiss.

"Is you always gonna kiss Mommy?" Sam asks me, pulling her small knees up to her chest.

"What do you mean by that, sweetheart?"

"Daddy never kisses Mommy. Is you always gonna kiss Mommy?"

I look at Jane and see her lost in thought. I smile and gently tuck a strand of hair behind her ear that had fallen out of her ponytail. "I certainly hope so."

"Why's Daddy never kissed Mommy?" Sam asks, curious as always.

"Well," I hesitate and see that Jane is not going to answer. She's painting the wall again. "I think it's because your daddy didn't love her like I do."

"You loves her most?"

"Yes, honey," I smile at her before turning to kiss Jane's cheek. "I love her the most in the whole world."

"Sweetie, can you go downstairs and ask if Grandma has something to drink for you?" Jane asks, her voice soft and sweet.

Sam nods and stands up. "Kiss first," Jane says sweetly, smiling when Sam reaches her arms up and pecks her mother's lips. "I love you, Sammy."

"Love you too, Mama." Sam turns around and walks towards the door. "You too, Maura!"

I smile and watch her walking downstairs. "I love you too, baby girl," I whisper, not even audible for the girl who is already downstairs by now.

"He did love me, Maur," Jane whispers, fumbling with her roller.

I snap my attention towards her and take a deep breath. "I know he did. He just… stopped at some point."

"Why?"

I look at her and see insecurity in her eyes. "I don't know, Jane," I whisper, stepping closer to her. "I don't know. I don't know how anyone could ever stop loving you."

She doesn't need to say it. I know her insecurities. I know her mind, I know her heart. "I will never stop, Jane," I whisper, my voice barely audible. "Never. I promise. With all my heart."

Jane smiles and cups my cheek where I immediately feel wet, sticky paint. "Jane!" I chuckle and pull her hand away, pointing at the blue paint on her fingers.

Jane laughs at me and my blue cheek. "Blue's a good color on you, babe."

"Oh, yeah?" I playfully slap her arm and see that amazing sparkle in her eyes. "On my face?"

Jane raises her eyebrows and grabs my arms, pulling me close as her fingers swipe across my chest, leaving a bright blue trail of paint above the hem of my T-shirt. "Jane!" I squeal and accidentally smack the roller against her arm, covering it in blue paint. I cover my mouth and can't help but laugh.

Jane smiles and grabs the roller out of my hand, throwing it back into the paint. She wraps her arms around my waist and crashes our lips together in a heated kiss. I smile but moan when she deepens it, my hands unconsciously sliding up her sides to her neck. My fingers pull on the hair tie of her ponytail and I take it out to tangle my hands in her now loose curls.

I'm hesitant to take things further but when I feel Jane's hands sliding under my shirt, roaming over the naked skin of my back, I don't hesitate any longer. I pull up her tank top and caress her beautiful toned stomach with my hands. We never break the kiss, our lips pressed against each other, tongues exploring, soft moans and breaths filling the passion-filled air. I've craved this. I crave her. I crave us. Her touch, her scent, her taste… It's filling my heart and mind, my everything.

We don't break the kiss for what feels like hours, the wall painting long forgotten. My lips feel swollen and my lungs are burning, but I don't ever want to end this. Her hands are under my shirt, caressing my skin, my hands are on the skin of her back, gripping, caressing, stroking and clinging to her muscles.

Suddenly she gently grabs one of my hands and leads it away from her back to the top of her jeans, guiding it lower into her cotton black panties. I hesitate but I feel in her touch that this is okay. I slowly lower my hand and gasp when I feel the amount of moisture there.

We break the kiss and Jane smiles shyly, her face inches away from mine, our foreheads touching. "Feel that?" she whispers softly, a little doubtful.

"Yes," my smile widens and I let out a grateful laugh, filled with love and relieve. "Yes, I do."

We both laugh and I move my arms around her neck and jump, wrapping my legs around her waist as she holds me up. My hands massage her scalp and I look deeply into her eyes that are filled with so much love and passion.

"It's been a long time since I've felt like this," she whispers to me, her strong arms keeping me up around her waist.

I smile and I don't think I've ever felt this happy. We're here, together, painting Sam's bedroom, kissing, making out, being in each other's arms… I'm finally happy and I know she is too. I know she's hurt and she has a lot left to process, a lot of pain to conquer and a lot of heartache to go through, but I know we can handle it. I know we are strong enough to handle it.

"Me too, Jane." I lean down to kiss her lips but I can't stop smiling. Our teeth clash together and we both laugh. I've been aroused many times. I had sex with men all the time. I had sex with them, but they didn't mean anything to me. It feels nothing like it feels with Jane. Just one touch of her hands sets me on fire, just a simple kiss makes my stomach do flips, and her hands on my skin ruin my panties like nothing else. But most of all, the sparkle in her eyes fills my heart with more love than I've ever felt in all my life.

"You're beautiful," Jane breathes out, looking at me like I'm a rare piece of art.

I feel my cheeks reddening with a shy blush and smile. "Not nearly as beautiful as you are, Jane."

"We competing?" Jane asks with a smirk, a smirk that makes my stomach tickle. "'Cause that's not fair."

I laugh and comb my fingers through her curls. "And why is that?"

Jane shrugs. "You're the most beautiful woman in the world. I can never compare to that."

As a reply I just capture her lips in another loving kiss. She puts me back down on the floor and wraps her arms around my upper body as my own arms stay around her neck.

"Mommy?" Sam comes walking into the room and I feel Jane sighing against me.

We break the kiss and she smiles at me before turning to Sam in the doorway. "Hey, baby."

"Grandma says you and Maura gotta eat something." She walks towards us and frowns at the blue paint on our bodies, but doesn't comment on it. "She maked snacks."

"We'll be right there, okay?"

Sam nods. "Why's the paint on you, Mommy?"

Jane chuckles and looks at her arm and the paint that has spread on her clothes due to our make-out. "Maura made a mess."

I gasp playfully and pinch her side. "I did not."

"Maura don't make messes!" Sam says with a giggle. "You made messes."

"Alright, alright. Just go get that snack okay? We'll be right there."

Sam smiles and turns around to walk back upstairs.

"I'm sorry…" Jane says, looking into my eyes.

"Why?"

"For not finishing what we started… Sam's just gonna keep coming upstairs if we don't head over."

I smile and brush her hair back after a quick kiss on her lips. "It's okay," I whisper softly, "there's no rush."

"I just…" I sense discomfort in Jane's voice and I feel her muscles tensing.

"You'll feel like this again, Jane," I say with a comforting smile. I know she's afraid her body won't respond anymore if we stop now.

"What if I don't?"

"Then we'll wait. Paint some more walls if we have to." I smile at her chuckle and kiss her lips again. "It'll be okay, Jane."

Jane nods but I see she's disappointed. "C'mon," I whisper, kissing her lips a last time, "let's go downstairs to your daughter."

"Our daughter."

"What?"

She smiles shyly and looks down at her feet. "Our daughter."

"She's not mine, Jane."

"She's not his either." She looks around the room and then finally into my eyes. "She's never been his. You've always been more a parent to her than he ever was."

"I don't want things to move too fast for her," I whisper quietly. "Her father left, a new house, you and me…"

"Nothing's really changing though, is it? You've always been like a mother to her and I know she's always been like a daughter to you." Jane smiles at me and grabs my hand to lead us both downstairs. "We just leave things the way they are."

"I like things the way they are now." I stop her and kiss her lips at the bottom of the stairs. "I really do. But that little girl is the single most important thing and I don't want to go too fast for her." I smile at her and I feel a certain sadness weighing on my chest. "I'm not her mother. We have to take it slow."

"We will," Jane whispers back, looking over my shoulder at Sam and Angela in the kitchen. "She's fine, Maur. She's sad and she senses my pain, but she's fine. She's always been fine when she's with you. She's safe now."

I kiss Jane's lips multiple times before looking into her eyes. "So are you, Jane."

 _A/N I'll be gone for a week, so no new updates until next Friday or Saturday. But don't worry, I'll be back! Just taking a break to go on vacation. Thank you all for your love and support! It means a lot to me._


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N I said no updates because I'm on vacation but I'm updating anyway. I'm still on vacation, but things are happening and I just need to get away and run to the lovely, crazy world of fanfiction for a while. Hope you like this chapter!_

 **Chapter 14**

 _Jane's POV_

Maura is the single most beautiful creature I've ever seen. Every time I think she can't get more beautiful, she somehow does. Somehow, this woman gets more beautiful with every second she breathes. I'm so lucky to call her my girlfriend. I'm so lucky to be with her, to live in this house with her, to be in her arms every night and wake up next to her every morning. I'm so lucky to love her.

I watch her cutting up Sam's food while Sam tells her something about her day in preschool, and she has that loving smile on her face. That smile that just curls the corners of her lips and makes her eyes sparkle. The smile that is reserved for people she truly loves. For me and Sam.

I remember our conversation yesterday, how she said she's not Sam's mother. I wish she were Sam's mother. I know she's not and I know we can't erase Casey as Sam's father, but I wish Sam were Maura's too. I want to be mommies with Maura. I want to have a family with Maura. She's so good to Sam. She cares about her, she loves her and she protects her. She bores her with her scientific brain-vomit, which no three-year old in the world would understand, but Sam loves it because it's Maura. She grew up with Maura, she grew up in a world where Maura was one of the very few places she truly felt safe.

There's still a sense of crippling guilt burning in my stomach. I can't get rid of it; no matter how many times Maura tells me it's not my fault. When I look back at the past few years, I don't even recognize myself. What happened to me? How did I get so lost? How did I get so caught up in wanting to please him? Wanting to hold on to something I knew wasn't worth holding on to?

Now that I'm with Maura, I finally understand what love is supposed to be. I thought love was about wanting to be together and pleasing each other in whatever way possible, but that's not true. That's not what love is. Love is feeling at home in each other's arms, protecting the other with all you have. It's knowing that the other person will catch you when you fall. A single kiss from her is enough to make my knees go weak. Love is staying awake to make sure she sleeps peacefully. Love isn't about sex or pleasing or marriage. Love is home. Maura is my home and I'm so happy to be home.

"Jane?" Maura's voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I see her looking at me with a worried look on her face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I smile at her and grab her hand, squeezing it gently, "I'm fine."

"Mommy, I'm full." Sam puts her fork down and I look at her plate to see she ate half of the food that was on her plate.

"Honey, you only had half." I sigh and know she'll make a fuss about it if I make her eat all of it.

"My tummy's full."

"Did Grandma give you cookies again?"

"No, just lemonade."

I sigh deeply and grab my own fork to divide her food into two equal portions. "Just finish one of these, okay? Then you're finished."

Sam is about to protest but one look at my face makes her rethink that. She reluctantly picks up her fork and starts eating again.

Maura smiles at me and gently grabs my hand; stroking the scar in my palm with her thumb as her other hand keeps eating. We're living in our own little romantic bubble and I love it. Every touch of her sends a sparkle through my body. Every time we kiss my love for her grows stronger. We steal kisses during dinner, during the preparation of dinner, breakfast, lunch, at work, on our way to work… We take every opportunity for a light touch, a quick kiss or a loving glance.

I know it won't be like this always. I know these are the typical first few months of a fresh relationship where you just can't keep your hands off each other, but it feels different this time. I've had these weeks with Casey, but it was nothing like it is now. Yes, he was gentle and loving at first, but he didn't treasure me like Maura does. He took me for granted. He knew I'd be there no matter what and he didn't make any effort at all. He loved me, but not like Maura. When Maura looks at me, I feel loved. I feel beautiful, treasured and safe. I didn't feel that with him. I didn't feel special like I do when I'm with Maura.

I'm too lost in thought to notice that Sam has finished her plate. Maura praises her for eating her food and asks her to put her plate in the sink, which she immediately does.

"Jane," Maura whispers, leaning closer towards me, "you're quiet. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just…" I sigh and look at her, smiling, "I'm so lucky to be with you."

Maura smiles and leans over to kiss my lips. "I thought I was the lucky one," she whispers before grabbing our plates to put them in the dishwasher.

"Mommy, can I watch TV?" Sam asks as she walks back to me.

I look at my watch and see that it's almost bedtime for her, seeing that we had a late dinner. "No honey, we gotta put you to bed. It's bedtime."

"But it's after dinner!"

"Yeah, and we had dinner real late 'cause Maura and I had to work, remember?" I pull Sam up from the floor and carry her on my hip. "You wanna give Maura a goodnight kiss?"

Sam nods and I see she's giving up on protesting. She reaches her arms towards Maura who gratefully hugs her in her arms, kissing her cheek. "Sleep well, honey."

"'Night Mommy," Sam says but shakes her head with a slight giggle, "I mean Maura."

I smile and see tears in Maura's eyes. "I'm not Mommy, sweetheart," Maura says softly, brushing Sam's hair back. "I'm just Maura."

Sam nods and moves back into my arms. I kiss Maura's lips and look into her eyes. "You'll never be _just_ Maura," I whisper to her.

I put Sam to bed and read her a bedtime story until she falls asleep. I kiss her forehead and quietly whisper how much I love her before walking towards Maura's bedroom. Our bedroom. "Maur?"

Maura is standing in her closet, neatly hanging her dress on a hanger, standing in her underwear. She's gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. I wrap my arms around her waist from behind and kiss her neck. "Hey, beautiful," I whisper into her ear.

Maura hums and leans into my front. "I was just about to take a bath," she says in a soft, sultry voice, "would you like to join me?"

I moan and pull her closer. "Yes, very much."

She smiles and before I know it, her underwear is on the floor and she's walking into the bedroom, stark naked, swaying her hips in front of me. I take a deep breath and my clothes are on the floor within seconds.

I walk into the bathroom and I see my gorgeous girlfriend already soaking in the bathtub, bubbles covering her amazing body. "C'mere," she whispers with a loving smile, reaching out her hand for me.

"Scoot forward," I ask but Maura shakes her head.

"I'd like to feel you against me," she says with a sweet smile.

I hesitate but one look into Maura's eyes tells me that this isn't necessarily about sex. This is about intimacy, being close and feeling loved. I lower myself into the hot water and hum when my back presses against Maura's naked front.

Her arms wrap around my waist and she kisses my shoulder. I slump down to lean my temple against her cheek and close my eyes. "I love you, Maura," I whisper softly.

"I love you too, Jane." She kisses the spot behind my ear and I'm putty in her hands. "So much."

We stay silent for a while, simply enjoying the feeling of closeness. After a while, Maura continues her trail of kisses and her hands roam over my stomach. "Tell me if this isn't okay, Jane," she whispers into my ear.

I nod and swallow hard. "It's okay." It's more than okay.

Her hands move up to my breasts and cup them gently. Her touches are so soft and loving… I've never felt like this before. I've never felt this loved, this treasured. Her hands squeeze my breasts and I feel my nipples hardening under her touch. I moan, louder than I anticipated. She smiles.

My hands grab her thighs that are wrapped around me and I stroke them, squeezing lightly. "God, Maura…" I moan, her touches on my breasts driving me crazy, turning me on to no end.

She smiles into my neck and keeps kissing. "You're gorgeous, Jane," she whispers seductively. "Every part of you." She moves her hands down to the scar on my side, tracing it in the water. "Every single part of you."

Her hands move lower down my stomach and I stop her.

"I'm sorry-"

"No," I smile and turn around, "I want to look at you. I don't want to have my back to you when we do this."

She smiles and captures my lips in a deep kiss while she moves around me, straddling my lap without breaking the kiss. I moan softly and cup Maura's ass, squeezing it lightly, causing Maura to grind her hips against my lap. "Tell me if this is okay, Jane," she whispers again, looking at me with love and devotion, "please."

"It's okay," I assure her, smiling into our kiss, "I want this. I want to have sex with you."

Maura chuckles and kisses me again, cupping my left breast while she does. I stroke Maura's sides and let my hands wander to the side of her full, perfect breasts. They're even more perfect than I could ever imagine. I cup them carefully before softly pulling on her hard nipples, eliciting a loud moan.

"God, Jane," she moans into my ear, "the things you do to me."

Maura pulls back and I see her looking at me, her eyes wandering down my body, making me a little insecure. "Gorgeous," she whispers, her hands barely touching my upper body.

"Get back here," I smile and pull her back to me; our wet, naked fronts flush together.

I don't know how my body didn't respond to her the first time. I don't think I've ever been this turned on in my life. We're in a tub full of water, but I'm absolutely soaked by not just the water. My stomach is tickling, my breath comes in quick gaps and my heartbeat goes so fast I think I might explode. Every single touch makes my heart skip a beat and I'm in heaven.

We stay in the tub until the water is cold, slowly making out, touching, kissing every inch of each other's body we can reach. "C'mon," I whisper, pulling her off me to get out of the bathtub.

Maura follows me and grabs a large white towel, wrapping us both in it as she kisses my lips again. We don't break the kiss as we walk into the bedroom and I feel the back of my legs hitting the bed before Maura slowly pushes me down on it. She smiles at me, making sure I'm still okay and I smile back.

She's so careful and loving I fall in love with her all over again. She kisses every inch of my body, starting at my collarbones, moving down to my stomach, then back up to my breasts, placing soft kisses on them. Her hands slide down my stomach and I hold my breath in anticipation.

"We're going slow," she whispers, looking deeply into my eyes. "Okay?"

I swallow hard and kiss her. "Just…"

"I'll be gentle." Maura looks at me with such love and care I feel tears in my eyes.

"Maur," I whisper and she pulls back, "I had a kid. I… He…" I sigh deeply and close my eyes. "It's not pretty down there."

I can't count the many times he tore me open, made me bleed, hurt me… I need her to be gentle more than anything and one look into her eyes tells me that she will be.

"Jane," she smiles at me and kisses my lips again, "I don't care about any of that. You're beautiful, absolutely, mind-blowingly beautiful. Every little bit of you."

I swallow and nod, my insecurities slowly fading. I gently grab her hand and lead it down my stomach, silently telling her to continue. She smiles and grounds us in a deep kiss while her hand wanders lower where it makes gentle strokes, eliciting a sweet, tingling feeling I haven't felt in a long time.

"Okay?" she whispers into my mouth.

I gasp when her touch becomes stronger and wrap my arms tighter around her. "Perfect," I whisper barely above a breath.

I moan loudly as Maura's hand slips lower and circles my wet opening. She looks at me and studies my face. "Inside?" she whispers and I've never felt more loved. It's not exactly dirty talk, but knowing that she's this careful about my feelings, about making me feel good… It makes me feel loved and safe. She wants to know what I want and it's important to communicate. I'm completely bare before her and as vulnerable as I'll ever be, but I've never felt safer.

"Jane, inside?"

"No," I whisper to her, not wanting to break our kiss for too long. It's perfect like this.

She nods and goes back to kissing me, moving her hand up to my clit where she continues her gentle strokes. I moan loudly and buck my hips at Maura's skilled touch. I wrap my arms around her to keep her close, hearing Maura moan at our naked breasts touching.

It's nothing like I've ever felt before. It's nothing like any of the sex I've ever had. I don't even think about Casey and the way he used to hurt me, abuse me and use me. All that's on my mind is Maura, her hands, her touch, her love and her passion. I'm insecure but I feel that Maura is just as aroused as I am and it makes me feel better to know that I turn her on as well. She's not repulsed by me. She's not using me for her pleasure like he used to do. She's not fucking me; she's not having sex with me. She's making love to me and her love is so endless it makes me feel like I'm in heaven. It's slow, and her touches are the most gentle I've ever felt in my life.

"God, please don't stop," I whisper into her mouth, gasping for air as her strokes go faster. My arousal is building quickly and I can't even think straight anymore.

It doesn't take long for my stomach to clench, my hips to buck involuntary into her hand, my grip tightening on Maura's back. Her touch sets me on fire and I try to hold back, but I can't. She sends me flying over the edge and it's like my body explodes. Every single nerve ending is burning with pleasure, I gasp for air, clutch to the woman in my arms as I go through wave after wave of pleasure.

Maura strokes me through my orgasm and I grab her hand when I'm too sensitive for her to continue. She smiles and presses her lips against mine in a short, loving kiss. I pull her on top of me and rest my head in the crook of her neck, still panting.

"That was amazing," I whisper, breathless and still tingling all over.

Maura doesn't move from on top of me and her hand makes soft, lazy strokes on my chest. "Thank you," she whispers into my ear.

"For what?"

"For letting me see you like this. For allowing me to make you feel good." Maura pushes herself up on her elbow and smiles at me, looking at me with all the love and adoration in the world. "I love you."

My body is still tingling and my stomach flips every single time she says those words. "I love you too," I whisper, still trying to regulate my breathing. "Thank you."

Maura smiles a bright smile and presses her lips against mine. "You are more than welcome, detective," she whispers into my mouth.

We continue to kiss and I feel her arousal is as present as mine was just moments ago. I turn us around and carefully lower my body on top of hers. I smirk and look deeply into her eyes. "Your turn."


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

 _Maura's POV_

"God, Jane," I breathe into Jane's neck after collapsing on top of her, "that was… that…"

Jane chuckles and pulls me tighter into her arms. "Speechless, doctor Isles?"

"Oh, don't get cocky now, Jane." I smile and place lazy kisses along her jaw and neck.

Never in my wildest dreams could I ever know how amazing this would feel. I've never felt like this before. We don't just have sex. This is about so much more. I sense Jane's insecurities and I sense her discomfort, but I know she feels safe. I know she feels at home in my arms and I know she feels comfortable enough to be vulnerable with me. It makes me the happiest and luckiest woman in the world.

We are taking things slow. Just a few touches of Jane sends me on the edge of an orgasm and frankly, it didn't take long at all for me after I brought her to a lovely orgasm. She was insecure about being with a woman for the very first time but we guided each other and it was perfect. All of our touches are soft and loving. They're all excruciatingly slow and my body is humming in pleasure. We didn't do more than stimulating each other's clits and I think it's all I ever need. I've never felt this good. Making love has never felt this good.

"Maur?" Jane whispers, her arms wrapped tightly around my upper body.

"Hm?"

"I'm gonna ask a real stupid question…"

I chuckle and lean up on my elbow to look at the beauty underneath me. "Shoot."

She takes a deep breath and I feel her tensing. "Are you… Are you gay?"

"What do you mean by that?" I smile and stroke her cheek with my thumb.

"I mean… I never asked you if you've always been attracted to women, or both men and women, or if it's just me… And I guess it doesn't really matter but I just… I'm…" She sighs and I can tell she's losing her nerve to continue.

I smile and capture her lips in a short and loving kiss. "I've always been attracted to men, until I met you. You changed everything." I shrug and smile at her. "I've been in love with men, but it has never felt like it feels with you. It's completely different. And if that makes me a lesbian, I'm a lesbian."

Jane smiles and averts her gaze, looking away from my eyes. "That's what I thought as well. I thought… Well if it means I'll get to be with Maura, fuck it, I'll be gay. But I just… I don't know… It's like… So much is changing…" Jane takes a deep breath and closes her eyes as she shakes her head. "Never mind. It's stupid."

I cup her cheek and press my lips against hers. When I break the kiss, her eyes are still closed and I feel she's tensed. "Jane, my love," I whisper softly. "Look at me?"

She opens her eyes and I see pain and insecurity. I stroke her brow with my hand and smile at her. "It's not stupid. A lot has changed. You left Casey, your divorce is in progress, you moved into a different house, you're processing all that happened to you, you just had sex with a woman for the first time…" I chuckle at her smirk, "your sexuality is a big part of you."

"I don't really care if I'm gay," Jane whispers, finally looking up at me, "as long as I get to be with you. It's just a lot to take, I guess."

"I know." I look deeply into dark brown eyes and I think I could get lost in them. "Please Jane, tell me if anything we do makes you uncomfortable or if we're going too fast. I need you to talk to me and be truly honest."

"I am," Jane answers and I see a flash of hurt crossing her face. "You think I'm not?"

"No, no," I shake my head and continue my strokes on her cheek. "I know you're honest. I just… I want to make sure I'm doing things right. This," I gesture between the both of us, "us… It's so important to me, Jane. I want to do things right. Knowing that I hurt you in any way… That would kill me."

"You're not hurting me," Jane whispers, a look of love replacing the hurt in her eyes.

I nod, knowing that Jane's words are sincere. I bury my head back into the crook of her neck and sigh contently. I kiss Jane's neck and smile. This is my favorite place in the whole world. The space between her neck and shoulder… I want to stay here forever. "This is my favorite part," I whisper softly into her neck.

"Hm?"

"Being in your arms like this." I smile and pull away to look into her beautiful dark eyes. I shrug. "Makes me happy."

She chuckles and rolls her eyes, but I know she loves it. She pulls me back on top of her and wraps her strong arms tightly around my upper body. "Me too," she whispers after kissing the top of my head. "It feels right."

We stay like that until we both fall asleep and it's one of the best nights of my life. Our naked body's tangled together, her steady breathing and her strong arms around me… It doesn't get better than this.

I wake up in almost the same position the next morning. Jane's legs are sprawled out on the bed and I'm still in her arms, even tighter than the night before. I smile and carefully kiss her jaw, not wanting to wake her yet. I carefully untangle myself and take a quick shower.

After my shower, it's time for us all to wake up so I decide to wake Sam. I walk into her room and smile at the sight of the little girl still sleeping. "Sam, sweetheart," I sit in the edge of her bed and place my hand on her upper back. "Wake up."

She grunts and lets out a deep breath. I chuckle at the resemblance with her mother. Jane does exactly the same when I wake her. "Come on, sweetie. It's time to get up."

Sam sighs deeply and turns to face me, slowly opening her eyes. I pull the covers away, the only way to get Jane out of bed. She whines and sits up to grab the blankets back. "No, Sam."

"Mamaaa…" she whines and she reaches her arms out for me as she climbs into my lap, trying to get the warmth of her bed back in some way.

I don't even correct her. She called me Mama and my heart is swelling with love. I pull her close into my arms and kiss her hair that is messy from sleeping. "I love you, sweet girl," I whisper softly, stroking Sam's back.

I see her eyes closing and I quickly lift her off the bed before she can fall back asleep. "Come on, let's find you something to wear for today."

I love dressing Sam. It's a shame she has her mother's fashion taste. She hates dresses and there's no way I'll ever get her to wear one without great protest, but I love the challenge of making the three-year old look as cute as possible. I help her get dressed in black leggings and a long, bright orange shirt with a drawing of a bunny on it. I brush her hair, make a braid in her long brown locks and help her brush her teeth.

This is what life should be like. Waking up next to a gorgeously naked Jane and helping Sam get ready for the day. I love every minute of it. If this was the way I would start the rest of my days, I'd be perfectly happy.

"Should we go wake Mommy?" I ask Sam when I take her hand to lead her out of her bedroom. "I think she's still sleeping."

She nods and shows a big grin. "Yeah!"

We walk into our bedroom but I see the bed is empty. The bathroom door is closed and I hear muffled whimpers coming from inside.

"Where's Mommy?"

"I think she's in the bathroom," I answer her before I lift her on to the bed. "I'll go check on her, you just wait here, okay baby?"

She nods and gives me a sweet smile. I give her a quick kiss and open the bathroom door; happy to see it isn't locked. Jane is just getting up, standing on weak legs. "Babe, are you okay?" I quickly place my hand on Jane's lower back, grabbing her arm to help her keep standing.

"Not feeling so good." She grabs a glass and fills it with water, thoroughly rinsing her mouth.

"Did you vomit, Jane?"

She nods. "Stomach's upset I think."

I sigh deeply and press my lips against her cheek while my hand strokes her forehead, gently checking for a fever. Her forehead feels cold. "Are you alright?" I whisper, cupping her cheek to make her look at me.

"Yeah, I'll be fine." She smiles and kisses the corner of my mouth. "My stomach's empty now so it's got nothing left to be upset about."

I smile and wrap my arms around her neck, pulling her into a tight hug. "Keep me updated, please. If you experience any abnormal bowel movements, unusual pains, raised temperature…"

"Maur," she cuts me off, pulling back to look at me, "I'll be fine."

"Promise you'll tell me if you're not?"

"Of course." She kisses my forehead and brushes my hair over my shoulder.

I sigh and close my eyes at the touch, but I quickly remember Sam in the bedroom. "Sam and I came here to wake you, actually. She's waiting."

Jane smiles and looks at herself in the mirror to make sure she looks okay before hurrying out of the bathroom. Her legs seem to have gain their strength back and she pulls Sam off the bed where she's been waiting patiently. "Good morning, princess."

"Morning, Mommy." Sam smiles and wraps her small arms around Jane's neck, tangling her little hands in her mother's black curls.

"Maura made you a beautiful braid," Jane says with a proud smile, rubbing Sam's back as she pulls the girl close into her front. "You look absolutely gorgeous."

Sam nods and pulls back to look at Jane. "Maura says I'm a wears a dress but I don't wanna."

Jane grins. "That's my girl." She winks at me and leans closer to Sam, whispering softly. "Listen, don't let her talk you into it, alright? We gotta stick to our fashion!"

Sam giggles and covers her mouth. She doesn't understand Jane's joke, but the tone in her mother's voice makes her laugh anyway.

I playfully slap Jane's arm. "Watch it, Jane." I tickle Sam's side and kiss Jane's jaw. "And this can hardly be called fashion."

"What's wrong with my pantsuit?"

I chuckle and move closer to her. "Nothing, it looks very sexy on you," I whisper into her ear.

She shivers and smirks at me. I laugh and pat her back. "Let's go have breakfast before we have to take off."

We have breakfast together, Jane is helping Sam with her cereal and I'm making us some coffee. It's the loving domestication that makes me fall head over heels in love with our little makeshift family. Just the simple tasks are making my heart flutter. My arm touching Jane's when we pass each other in the kitchen, Sam's cheerful chatter and spilling on the counter, the little girl's need for affection, asking for hugs and kisses, Jane's loving touches, stealing a gentle kiss, a loving glance… I want this to be my life. I would do anything for this to be my life.

I check to see if Jane is eating properly, but she puts her bowl in the sink after a few bites. There could be a lot of things wrong with her and there's no way to determine what it is. At least not yet. It could be just a stomach flu, a virus, something bad she ate, stress, exhaustion… It could be a million things. She looks a little pale and I know she's lost weight. I feel it under my fingertips. Her bones are sticking out and her pants are getting too big for her.

It's probably all due to stress. She's been through so much in such a short time… Her body is suffering from it. She's trying to fight it, but I know she won't be able to keep that up much longer. I told her to take a few days off work, to take some rest and relax, but of course she refused.

I worry about her. I worry that she'll close up again. I worry that I'll lose her. I worry that she's starting to hide herself, her feelings and her pain again. I want to pull it out of her, to force her to cry and talk to me, but I know I can't. If I try, I'll only make things worse. So I wait. I wait patiently for her to open up again. I wait for her to show her feelings, to allow herself to break. I'll wait.


	16. Chapter 16

Thank you all for your kind words and support. Please let me know your thoughts and feelings about this chapter! I'm a little anxious to upload it, hope you like it.

 **Chapter 16**

 _Jane's POV_

My body collapses and I hunch forward over the toilet bowl. My stomach is contracting and my entire body is convulsing, but there's nothing left in my stomach anymore. This is the second time this week. I was in the exact same position yesterday morning.

I can't think about the cause of this. If I do, even in the slightest bit, I'll panic. I'll panic and run. But I can't avoid it any longer. I flush the toilet and pull down my pants, hoping, desperately hoping to see any sign of my period, but there's nothing. I feel my bottom lip trembling and I slump down onto the floor to heave into the toilet again, throwing up nothing but bile, my body sweating and hurting all over.

I have to make sure. But I can't. I can't be sure. On the one hand, I need certainty, but on the other hand, I don't want to find out the thing that could wreck my life. I just started feeling happy. I put Casey behind me and I was starting a life with Maura. But life doesn't give breaks. Life isn't kind on people. Life throws you a curveball, just when you thought you had it all.

I rest my head on my arm, trying to regulate my breathing. Maura is downstairs with Sam. She has no idea. She noticed something was off yesterday, but I brushed it off and she didn't ask. I hate lying to her. I hate it. But I have to.

I sigh deeply and feel my stomach calming down. I slowly stand up, feeling dizzy at first, but when the bathroom stops spinning I splash some water in my face, I quickly brush my teeth and compose myself before walking downstairs.

"Babe, are you okay?" Maura asks me while she is working on a ponytail for Sam.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go to the store real quick," I say with a hopefully reassuring smile. I grab the car keys and don't give Maura a chance to ask questions.

I give her and Sam a quick kiss and hurry outside. I take my car and drive to the store, but my legs stop working when I reach the right aisle. Pregnancy tests. The sight of them makes my throat close up in fear. Why are there so many different kinds?

I shake my head and grab the box that is closest, along with a box of tampons to make sure Maura won't worry. I can only pray I'll need the tampons instead of the test. I hurry to pay them. I hand the girl my credit card and she packs them discreetly.

I can't do this at home. If the outcome of this is bad, I don't know what will happen. I drive to the nearest gas station and go to the filthy public bathroom. I take a deep breath and my heart is racing. I have trouble swallowing and my stomach hurts.

"I have to," I whisper to myself. "C'mon, Jane."

I lower my pants and kneel on the toilet, following the instructions on the box. When I finish, I put the test on the floor in front of me as I lower myself against the wall, sitting on the dirty floor with my eyes closed. I wait and desperately try not to panic.

I clutch my knees to my chest and my breath comes in short gasps. I look at my watch. Two minutes. Three more. Five minutes have never felt so long.

Three and a half.

I can't breathe.

Four.

I'm shaking.

Four and a half.

I feel sick.

Five.

I take a deep breath and open my eyes, but I can't bring myself to look at it. I look up at the ceiling and try to compose myself. "C'mon, Rizzoli," I whisper before slapping my own cheek. "Don't be stupid."

I slowly lower my gaze and take the plastic test from the floor. I hold it up in front of my face for two seconds before it clatters onto the floor.

Positive.

No. No. No. This can't be happening.

Maybe it's false alarm. Maybe I'm not pregnant with the child of my abusive ex-husband. I throw the test away, run to my car, drive back to the drugstore, purchase another test and go through the entire ritual again. I pace through the bathroom for five minutes, breathing heavily, my heart in my throat.

Five minutes.

Positive.

I fall on my knees and feel my body shaking. Tears stream down my face and I can't breathe. I can't breathe and I see black spots. I'm dizzy and I lower my head in between my legs like Maura showed me.

Maura.

I can't tell her. She can't know. I can't be pregnant with his baby. I want to be with Maura. I don't want anything to do with Casey. Maura is my life now. This pregnancy doesn't fit into that life. This baby…

"This baby…" I whisper to myself, lifting my head back up. There's a baby inside of me. A tiny little person. Another child. A brother or sister for Sam. I place my hand on my stomach and I feel panic burning in my chest. My body collapses and I empty my stomach in the toilet bowl.

I remember the last time he pulled me into bed. The last time he pounded into me, squirting his junk empty with an awful groan. He made me stop taking the pill a few weeks before that. He found them and got mad. He beat me up. I wanted to keep taking them secretly and had already ordered them at the pharmacy, but I hadn't had a chance to pick them up yet. If only I did. If only I took some time off work to get them. If only I continued taking them. Then I wouldn't be up to my neck in shit now.

"I can't do this," I whisper, wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand. "I can't."

I look in the mirror to make sure I'm looking decent and go back to my car, driving back to another drug store, not want the girl at the counter to be suspicious. The morning after pill. I have no idea if it will work but I'm going to try. I can't do this. I don't want his baby. I don't want a part of him living in me. Not anymore.

When I bought what I need, I drive back home, the box of pills invisible in my pocket.

As soon as I walk through the front door, I know Maura sees something is wrong. She always knows. She knows me inside out, she knows every part of me, every inch of my heart.

"Jane," she turns away from Sam who is playing at the coffee table and walks towards me to cup my cheek, looking deeply into my eyes.

I avert my gaze. I can't look at her. I'll break if I do. "I'm fine," I whisper to her.

"You're not." Her voice is soft and caring, but there's a determination and strictness to it. "Why aren't you talking to me, Jane?"

"I'll be fine." I need to get away. I need to get away from her loving touch and the love in her eyes. I can't keep this from her any longer if she keeps looking at me like this.

I turn around but I hear a sob coming from behind me. "Jane!"

I look at Maura and see tears. I hurt her. "I'm sorry."

"You're not fine, Jane! What's going on? Why aren't you talking to me?" She steps towards me and places her hands on my upper arms. "Please," she whispers desperately.

Tears well up in my own eyes and I look down at my feet. "I can't. I'm sorry."

"Okay," Maura says, too quietly. She steps back and I see hurt on her face.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I just thought that being in a relationship meant sharing." She shrugs and smiles a sad smile. "I thought we'd share happiness, pain, concerns…" Her smile falls and I feel guilt burning in my chest. "Apparently I was wrong."

"You're not."

"Then why aren't you talking to me, Jane?!" Maura raises her voice and I can't take it any longer.

My throat closes up with tears and I mumble 'I'm sorry' before running upstairs, clutching the box of pills in my pocket. I lock myself in the bathroom once again and lean my hands on the sides of the sink.

My gaze wanders up to the mirror and I look at myself to see a pale face, wet from tears, eyes bloodshot from crying, dark circles under my eyes. My hair is frizzy and messier than ever. I can't be a mother of two children. I can barely handle Sam sometimes.

Sam… What if this baby inside me is like Sam? A little brother or sister for Sam… Another dark-haired, beautiful brown-eyed child running around… Loved by both Maura and myself… She would love this child, I know she would.

Am I making a mistake? Taking these pills can't be undone. I take the box out of my pocket and look at it. Can I have another baby? Can I have _his_ baby? The man who abused me, hit me, _raped_ me? Sam is a result of our love. Casey and I made her with love. This child will be a result of him raping me. A result of him pumping in and out of me until he was finished, leaving me bleeding and crying.

Is that the way I want to bring a child into the world? Do I want to bring a child into _this_ world? A world where its father is an abusive alcoholic?

My head is spinning and I step back, leaning back against the wall. I know I should take time to think about this, but I'm afraid I don't have time. Every time Maura looks at me, it will be harder to keep this from her.

I look at myself in the mirror again and hold my breath. "Why am I keeping this from her?" I whisper to myself, not knowing the answer to my own question.

I know what Maura would want. She wouldn't want me to get rid of it. She'd want to welcome it into the world, to give it a chance. But this is my decision. I let him rape me. I let him impregnate me. This is on me.

I pace through the bathroom for several minutes, painfully aware of the fact that Maura is downstairs worrying about me, probably crying. Painfully aware of the fact that with every minute I wait, this child is growing inside me. His child is growing inside me. His child. His child. It echoes through my mind, like an endless shouting nightmare.

I shake my head and try to get rid of it. Tears are streaming down my face and I don't think any longer. I grab a handful of pills and stuff them in my mouth. I take a glass of water and down them.

For a minute, I feel relieved. For just a minute, I can breathe again.

But then I look at myself in the mirror. I look into my own eyes. I look at myself and I see Sam's eyes. I see her familiar brown eyes, the same as mine. I see her.

"God, what have I done?" I whisper and my body slumps forward in a hard sob.

There's another child inside me. A child like Sam. Anything like Sam can never be bad. I panic. I can't breathe. I gasp for air and put my fingers in the back of my throat. I push them further until I feel my stomach contracting, emptying the contents into the sink. There they are. Those damn pills. In the sink. Gone, out of my body.

I fall to my knees again and rest my back against the cabinets under the sink. I don't know what's happening to me, but violent sobs are wrecking my body and tears are streaming down my face. Endless, insane amounts of tears. I cry loudly, muffling my screams and whimpers into my fist. I think I'm keeping quiet, but I fail.

I look up to see Maura standing in the doorway, her eyes wide in pain as she looks at the empty box on the edge of the sink. She averts her gaze towards me and I see tears in her hazel eyes. But that isn't the worst I see. I see pain. I see hurt. I see guilt. She feels betrayed. Left out.

She covers her mouth with her hand and grabs the box with her other hand. She holds it up for me and a tear trickles down her cheek. I watch her lowering her hand as she looks into my eyes. "How could you?" she whispers, her voice laced with anger and defeat.

I try to stand up but my knees are weak, causing my to collapse back down on the floor. She doesn't attempt to help me up. "I threw them up," I answer in a soft, weak whisper. "I couldn't."

"Why didn't you tell me, Jane?" Maura raises her voice and the tears on her cheeks are breaking my heart. "How could you not tell me?"

"I-…" I lower my head, the sight of her tears too much to handle.

"Look at me, Jane!" She snaps and I flinch. "You were just going to try to have a _home-made_ abortion? With this?" She throws the box on the floor and I can't control my cries. "Not only is this dangerous, the chances of this working are very, very small. What were you thinking?"

"Maura," I look up at her and cover my mouth to keep another sob inside. I don't know what to say to her.

"You have to talk to me, Jane!" She sighs and I see her anger slowly fading, but not disappearing. She kneels down in front of me and gently lifts my chin to make me look at her. "You don't have to do everything alone," she whispers softly. "You can't do everything alone."

I look at her but don't answer her. I don't even nod. I just cry. Cries of pain, confusion and guilt. "I don't know what to do," I whisper through my tears.

"We'll figure it out." Maura brushes my hair back and I finally see love in her eyes. " _We_ will figure it out." She sighs deeply and averts her gaze to the floor. "Do you not trust me, Jane?"

"I do…"

"Then why didn't you talk to me?"

"I just…" I sigh and I'm at loss for words once again, having trouble speaking as I swallow a lump in my throat. "I have to figure this out."

Maura stands back up. Her expression turns cold. "Please do. I'll be here when you do."


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

 _Maura's POV_

I can't believe she kept this from me. I can't believe she didn't trust me enough to tell me. I can't believe I failed her. I can't believe I didn't give her the safety she needed.

I'm lying on our bed, my face down into my pillow as I cry silently. I'm happy Angela took Sam. We need some time alone. To figure this out. To talk. To make sure we're alright. If we are still alright.

I love that woman with all I have, I still do. Even though I feel betrayed and hurt, my love for Jane will never fade.

But she's pregnant. She's pregnant with his child. And she decided to get rid of it. All on her own. What did I do wrong? What did I do that made her lose faith in me? Why didn't she confide in me?

I swallow and turn my head to the side, wiping my cheeks but my tears just keep on falling. Jane hasn't moved from the bathroom and I hear her crying. I hear her silent sobs, trying to hold them back. She's in pain. Therefore, I am in pain.

I stay silent for a while and just sit up on the edge of the bed, my head hanging low, my shoulders down, tears falling down my cheeks. Suddenly I hear Jane's sobs getting louder, along with the sound of banging against the wall. I want to leave her alone, to give her some time, to let her come to me, but the bangs only get louder.

Jane's loud cries make up my mind and I hurry towards the bathroom to see Jane's fists banging against the wall, her knuckles bleeding as her forehead smashes against the wall over and over.

I reach my hand out for Jane. "My love," I whisper to her.

She looks up at me and takes my hand. I pull her away from the wall and wrap my arms around her, keeping her up on weak legs. Her arms wrap tightly around my waist and she clings to me. I don't say anything and just lead her towards our bedroom where we sit down on the foot of the bed, Jane still in my arms.

"I wish you would confide in me," I whisper after kissing the side of Jane's head. "I wish you trusted me."

"I trust you," Jane whispers through her tears, her breathing still coming in short gasps. "I just… I panicked."

"And taking those pills was your solution?"

She takes a deep breath and nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck. She doesn't answer me. "It's not, Jane. Why do you always insist on dealing with things on your own?"

She shrugs.

"This is not my decision to make," I say softly, my left hand rubbing her back as my other tangles in her black curls, "but you can't make it by yourself."

"I know." She takes a deep breath and sits up next to me, crossing her legs as she looks at her fumbling hands.

"Why, Jane?"

"I panicked."

"But babe," I cup her cheek and make her look at me, "why all by yourself?" I feel tears falling onto my cheeks and I wipe them with the back of my hand. The gesture is useless. They keep falling anyway. "I need you to talk to me, Jane. I love you and I want to help you. I want to catch you when you fall and I want to help you when you panic." I sigh deeply and press my lips against her temple before pulling back, looking at her. "Will you please, please let me?"

She looks at me, deeply into my eyes. "I don't know what to do, Maura," she whispers, her voice vulnerable and uncertain.

"I don't know either," I smile a sad smile and stroke her cheek with my thumb, "but you'll figure it out."

"Do you… You wanna figure it out with me?"

"Oh, my love." I feel love overwhelming me and I press my lips against hers. It's a little too late, but I'm still grateful she's asking for help. "Of course."

"I love you, Maura." Jane grabs my hand and laces our fingers together. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you. I was so overwhelmed and confused… I'm sorry. I handled it bad."

"Bad _ly_."

Jane smiles at me and leans forward to kiss my lips. I didn't think about my words but I know my correction comforts her. Her smile falls and she looks at me with wide eyes. "I'm pregnant, Maura."

I nod. "What made you change your mind?" I ask softly, squeezing her hand in mine.

"What do you mean?"

"What made you throw up the pills?"

Jane smiles down at her hands. "Sam." She looks at me and I see love in her eyes. "I mean… If this kid is anything close to Sam… It can't possibly be bad, can it?"

"No," I cup her cheek before moving my hand up to stroke her forehead, "it can't."

"It's just…" She sighs and closes her eyes. "It's not made with love. It's… It's a result of him…" she swallows and I know she can't say the word 'rape'. "It's not made with love."

"It can be raised with love," I answer with a soothing smile, my tears still falling. "Isn't that what's important?"

Jane nods slowly and looks at me, hesitation and doubt in her eyes. "Will you stay?"

I let out a sob and wrap my arms around her neck, pulling her close. "Always." I kiss her neck and cling tightly to her. "Always, forever."

We stay silent for a few minutes, both crying silently, Jane into my chest, me in her dark curls. I love her with all I have. I will love this baby with all I have. If she decides to go through with it, I will do anything to make this child feel as loved as possible, like it deserves.

"Maura," Jane whispers, not moving her head from my chest, "what if I decide to keep it?"

I kiss the top of her head and pull her close. "Then you'll have another child."

She sighs and I feel her uncertainty. "Will you do it with me?"

"Jane," I cup her face to make her look at me, "when are you going to understand that I want to be with you? That I love you and want to spend my life with you?" I kiss her lips and look deeply into her eyes. "I love you. No matter what."

She smiles at me and leans forward to kiss me. "I love you too."

"Are you going to tell him?"

She sighs deeply. "I'm supposed to, aren't I?"

"It's up to you. He has a restraining order to protect you and Sam, so you're not obliged to anything."

"He'll get out one day." She looks at me and I see fear in her eyes.

"Yes, he will." I stroke her cheek and take a deep breath. "But that won't happen until at least two years from now, probably four given that he escaped once. He lost his parental rights to Sam. He won't have parental rights to this baby either. He ruined that. Long-term alcohol or drug-induced incapacity makes him incapable of having a child, according to the law. That, plus abuse and neglect… There's a good chance he'll never even meet this child."

"But it's still his kid…"

"His biological child, yes." I wipe Jane's tears and kiss one away on her cheek. "But if there's one thing you've learned me… It's that DNA doesn't make a family. It doesn't matter where you come from. It doesn't matter if your biological father is a mob-boss, a serial killer or an abusive alcoholic. That's not who you are, that's not your family. It matters who loves you. That's your family."

Jane looks at me with fascination and interest and I think I'm falling in love with her all over again. She has this childlike innocence and curiosity and it's absolutely adorable. "I haven't decided anything yet and I don't want to right now…" she whispers, looking away from me, "but would you like to have a baby with me?"

I smile at her and kiss her lips. "Yes. Yes I do."

"Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well…" Jane sighs and looks at me, her thumb stroking my knuckles. "We've only been in a relationship for what… five, six weeks?"

"Something like that, yes."

"And we're already talking about having a baby?"

"We moved in together after only two weeks," I smile and squeeze her hand in mine. "Seems fitting."

"I'm serious, Maura. Having a kid is hard."

"You don't think I know that?" I pull my hand away and I'm startled by her questions. "You can't forget that I've been in love with you for many years, Jane. We've been best friends for a long time. Yes, things are progressing quickly, but do you hear me complaining?" I sigh and close my eyes, not wanting my tears to escape. "I love you."

We stay silent for a while and I feel her closing up. I feel her building her walls around her heart again, I feel her putting her feelings back into the steel cage she's kept them in for so long.

"I know we're moving fast, Jane." The determination in my voice startles myself and I see Jane looking up at me with wide eyes. "I know you're overwhelmed, and I know you're having a hard time believing that I love you as much as I do, but you have to believe it. Okay?"

She doesn't reply.

"I love you, Jane! That's not going to change, ever!" I cup her cheeks and force her to look at me. "Never."

Jane nods and I can see her swallowing her tears. She leans forward and buries her head into my shoulder, her long arms wrapping around my waist. "I love you too," she mumbles through her tears. "I'm sorry. I love you, you're so good to me, you've always been so good to me."

She just needs to hear it every now and then. I know she does. I know she knows I love her. She simply needs to hear it. That's all. She spent so many years being humiliated, abused, hurt… She's finally home, even though she still hardly believes it. I'll tell her as many times as she needs. I'll tell her for the rest of her life. I want to spend my life with her. I don't care if we get married, I don't care if we make it official. I just want to be with her. Forever. I want to keep her in my arms, I want to stay in hers. I want to go through good times and bad times with her. I want all of her.

"Maura," she lifts her head from my shoulder and cups my cheek. I know she's trying to speak but in stead she just presses her lips against mine in a desperate kiss. It's filled with love and hope, but at the same time I feel her pain and concern.

Our lips glide together in a perfect rhythm and I hesitate at first, but when I feel her hand on my neck, I trace her lips with my tongue, silently asking for entrance, which she happily gives me. We kiss slowly and lovingly. I pull her body into mine and deepen the kiss further. Kissing has never felt this good. Kissing Jane never fails to make my stomach flutter and my heart swell with endless love.

We break the kiss and our foreheads rest against each other as we look deeply into each other's eyes. I immediately miss her taste and press my lips back against hers. My arms wrap around her neck and I pull her impossibly closer, wanting to feel her against me, wanting to let her know it is all going to be okay. Our tears make the kiss wet and sloppy but our love makes it perfect and unforgettable.

I pull back and brush her hair out of her face, smiling when I look into her eyes. "I love you so much, Jane." Each word has a certain heaviness to it, it's laced with love and devotion and I know it only makes her cry harder. "I will go through this with you. Whatever you decide to do, I'll be by your side. I promise."

Jane sobs silently but wipes her cheeks and takes a deep breath. "I wanna be with you forever, Maura," she whispers, her face still inches away from mine. "I never want to leave you."

"Now who's moving fast?" I smirk and we both burst out into laughter, caused by the heavy tension in between us. We laugh for minutes and I'm overwhelmed by her beautiful, beautiful smile.

When we both calm down, her smile falls and she looks into my eyes. "I'm pregnant," she whispers softly. "I'm gonna have a baby."

"Yeah."

"What do we do?"

"We take it one step at a time." I smile and cup her cheek. "Just one step."

"What's the first?"

I shrug. "More kissing?"

She tilts her head. "Maur. For real."

"I'm serious. I don't know what the first step is. I don't know what we should do from here. But I do know that I love kissing you."

So we kiss. We kiss for minutes, hours, longer… I don't know. We kiss until we hear the front door opening and Angela's voice.

"Sam," Jane whispers when we break the kiss. She sits up takes a deep breath and looks at me. "How do I look?"

I smile and peck her lips. "Your eyes are a little red and you're quite pale. But other than that, you're still gorgeous."

She blushes and squeezes my hand in hers. "Thanks."

"And your lips are a little swollen from our lovely make-out, but I like that on you." I smirk and pull Jane up from the bed, hugging her for a few seconds until I hear Angela calling our names. "Come on."

She follows me downstairs and Sam immediately runs towards her. "Mommy!" She reaches up her little arms and Jane gladly picks the girl up, pressing her lips against Sam's forehead, for longer than usual. "Hey, baby girl," she whispers.

I smile at the sight and greet Angela. "Thank you for looking after Sam."

"No need to thank me." Angela smiles and steps closer to me, keeping distance from Jane who is talking to her daughter. "Is she okay?"

I sigh and look at my two loves in the living room. She's not. She's not okay. She will be, but right now, she's far from okay. But I know Jane doesn't want her mother to know. "She will be." I smile at Angela but I know she's not convinced.

"Just…" she sighs and keeps her attention on Jane and Sam. "I'm worried about her. She doesn't talk to me."

"It's hard to talk about."

"Does she talk to you?" Angela looks at me and I expect resent, but all I see is worry and motherly love.

"Yes, she does," I answer, my voice soft and caring. "But not much. She's not a talker."

"No, she's not." Angela chuckles and I watch her looking at Jane and Sam with endless love. "I'm happy she's talking to you. I'm happy she's safe with you."

"Me too."

"Take care of her, okay?"

"Of course." I smile and step towards Jane to kiss Sam's cheek.

Angela smiles and gives us all a quick hug before heading back home. Jane hands Sam to me and I gladly take her in my arms, hugging the little girl to my front as I kiss her cheek. "Did you have a good day?"

Sam nods and smiles, but I see she's tired. Her eyes get smaller when she's tired and her movements slow down. When she's really tired, she has a twitch in her right eye. Just like Jane. She rests her head on my shoulder and I soothingly rub her back while I watch Jane cutting up some fruit for her.

"Maura, is you gonna be my mommy too?"

I smile and look at Sam's head on my shoulder. "I don't know, sweetheart." I kiss her forehead and pull the little girl close.

"I wanna has two mommies." She holds up two of her little fingers as her other hand tangles in my hair on my back. "I don't wants Daddy."

I look at Jane but she's not hearing her daughter's soft voice. I sigh and rest my cheek against Sam's forehead. "I know, honey. I'd love to be your mommy."

Sam nods and seems happy with my answer.

I never truly understood parental love until Sam was born. I'm not a parent, but I understood the minute I held that little baby in my arms. I still remember that day. Sam was five days old and Jane had just gotten back from the hospital where she had a rather complicated delivery. I visited her a few times, but I didn't get a chance to hold Sam due to Casey being in the way. When Jane got home, she visited me as soon as she could. She brought the baby over and sat next to me on the couch. I remember sitting closely next to her and holding Sam's oh so little hand in mine. She asked me if I'd like to hold her and I was nervous and uncomfortable, but as soon as Sam's dark eyes looked up at me, I knew I loved this little girl. I was already head over heels in love with Jane and now I was falling in love with this baby as well. I never stopped.

"Here," Jane puts a bowl with cut up mango and apple in front of us on the kitchen counter, "eat this, baby."

Sam nods but doesn't let go of me. I smile and kiss the side of her head while I grab a piece of apple and offer it to her. She takes it in her mouth and chews slowly, not moving her head from my shoulder.

Jane smiles at us, lost in thought. I cup her cheek and pull her towards me to peck her lips. "Another baby, like her." I place my hand on the back of Sam's head and smile at Jane.

She smiles back and her eyes sparkle with love. "We can do that."

"Yes, we can."

Jane gently takes Sam from my arms and places her on the stool at the kitchen counter. "C'mon peanut, you're not a baby anymore. You're gonna let Maura feed you?"

Sam giggles when Jane tickles her sides. She leans down and kisses the top of Sam's head. "I love you, Sammy."


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

 _Jane's POV_

Sometimes I still freak out. Sometimes I still feel like I can't breathe, like I'm losing myself and I'm completely lost. Sometimes I'm convinced that I can't do this. Sometimes I lose myself again. Sometimes I fall. But then Maura catches me. She's always there to catch me. Her generosity, her caring nature, her love… It never fails to amaze me.

Maura says I'm six weeks pregnant. It's been a week since my unattractive breakdown and Maura has done all kinds of annoying tests to make sure everything is okay and healthy. We have to see an obstetrician in two weeks to make sure everything's okay with the baby. That's when it gets real. I know it will. I remember from Sam.

I don't want to get rid of this baby, I'm sure about that. But that's the only thing I'm sure of. I know this baby will be loved unconditionally by its mothers, but I worry anyway. I worry about what Casey might do if he hears about my pregnancy. I know he's in rehab and he will be in jail after that, but the fear doesn't go away. I don't know if it ever will.

I used to be fearless. Sure, I was afraid, but not of some dickhead like Casey. I didn't experience the kind fear I'm feeling now. I can't get rid of it. I still expect him to show up and take me and Sam away from Maura. I still expect him to get angry with me, to start beating me up again. I still expect him to show up, even though I know it's not possible.

The pregnancy doesn't make it better. All the symptoms that might occur during the first trimester… I'm having them. I'm extremely tired and that doesn't help the fear. It only makes it worse. Morning sickness is horrible, but that I can take. It's just my body acting crazy, I can handle that. The mood swings are worse. With Sam, I cried for no reason at all. But now there are too many reasons to cry. I try to hold it back and I try to keep it inside, but I fail too often.

"Jane." Maura turns on her side in bed and wraps her arm around my chest from behind, kissing my shoulder. "What's on your mind, love?"

I don't even know how to answer her question. "Everything," I whisper.

She sighs and lowers her hand onto my stomach, making soft strokes on the skin under my t-shirt. "You're losing weight," she whispers into my ear, her soft voice laced with concern.

"I'm pregnant, I'll be gaining twice my weight soon."

Maura hums and I feel her pressing her lips against my neck. "Morning sickness and stress is making you lose weight during your first trimester."

"No shit."

"Jane," she continues her kisses on my shoulder and neck, "please look at me."

I slowly turn around and meet with shimmering hazel eyes, filled with love and care. "Let me help you, Jane," she whispers so quietly I can barely hear her. "Let me take care of you."

I swallow hard and nod. I want her to. Please take care of me, is all I can think. Catch me. Soothe me. Hold me. She presses her lips against mine and I pull her on top of me. Her hand tangles in my hair and my arms wrap around her upper body, holding her as close as possible. I just want to feel something besides anxiety and fear. Anything.

Our kiss deepens and I hear her moaning into my mouth, causing shivers to run down my spine. She breaks the kiss and continues to kiss my cheekbones, my jaw, my neck, my collarbones… She only pulls away to take off my shirt and I do the same with hers. Our naked breasts touch and we both moan.

She kisses down my chest and takes one of my already sensitive nipples into her mouth. I arch my back into her and feel goose bumps all over my body. She takes her time, not moving any further, just kissing, licking, gently touching.

After a long time, her hands wander lower and stroke through my very apparent arousal. I cup her face and pull her away from my breasts. I always need to look at her. I need to see her, to look into her eyes to feel our love.

Casey never looked at me. He avoided it at all costs. He pumped away, looking at the wall, the ceiling, his junk… Anything but my eyes. I need to look into Maura's eyes to make sure it's real.

Maura knows. She kisses my lips and continues her gentle strokes, eliciting that tingling feeling I love so much. We don't have sex often. Most of the time, just kissing is enough. Being in each other's arms is enough. It's all we need. Yes, I can't keep my hands off her and I want to kiss her all day long, but having sex is just so… loaded. It's loaded with pain and angst and even though we both enjoy it immensely, there's a weight to it.

But I know we can carry that weight. I know we'll make it disappear one day. I know that one day, I won't be insecure anymore and I won't be afraid anymore.

"Don't think, Jane," Maura whispers into my mouth, her strokes quickening on my clit. "Just feel."

I gasp when she gathers some wetness from my opening and moves back up to circle my most sensitive area. She never enters me. She's always careful, always gentle. I pull her even closer into me and my nails are digging into her back, probably leaving marks. I realize that and quickly loosen my grip, but Maura keeps grinding her hips on me.

She's beautiful like this. Writhing in pleasure, fighting to keep quiet, focused on pleasuring me, which gives herself a great pleasure… She's absolutely gorgeous and I'm head over heels in love with her. I'm nervous when I feel my climax approaching quickly and Maura senses it immediately.

"Let go, Jane," she whispers, placing continuous kisses on my lips, "don't think. Just feel."

I swallow hard and close my eyes, trying to relax and give in to the pleasure. Her fingers feel so good on me, her lips feel so perfect on mine, her hand feels right on my chest… I open my eyes and look into hers, seeing that her eyes are dark with arousal, looking at me with love and lust. I finally let go. I moan out in pleasure and buck my hips against Maura's hand, gasping when my entire body tingles with the delicious, lovely feeling of orgasm. Maura strokes me through my climax and pulls away right before I get too sensitive. We are both panting and she collapses on top of me.

No, no, no, there are tears burning in my eyes. Why am I so damn emotional all the time? I try to swallow them away but it's too late. One of them trickles down my cheek.

Maura kisses it away. "Babe…"

I shake my head and desperately try to keep my tears inside, but I fail. Maura tenses on top of me and wants to roll off me, but I don't let her. I keep my arms wrapped around her, pulling her as close as humanly possible.

"Jane, please tell me if you're okay," she whispers, her hand resting on my chest where it makes gentle strokes. "Did I hurt you?"

"No!" I sigh deeply and close my eyes, my tears falling into my hair. "No, you're perfect. You're amazing. I just…" I take a deep breath and open my eyes to look at the beauty on top of me. "I wish I could enjoy this with… without…" I stop and Maura cups my cheek.

"Without fear," she softly finishes for me. "Without insecurities and bad memories."

I nod, grateful to hear her say the words I couldn't find.

"You will." She smiles a sad smile and strokes my cheek. "And I will do anything to help you make that happen."

I smile up at her and pull her down into a quick kiss. "You're just so beautiful and so _fucking_ hot and my stupid brain keeps getting in the way."

Maura chuckles. "It's hardly your brain getting in the way, Jane."

"You know what I mean."

She smiles widely and kisses my lips. "I do."

"You always do." I roll us over and snuggle into her side, kissing her neck and shoulder. Her arms wrapped securely around my upper body, keeping me safe and close.

"Sleep, Jane," she whispers after a kiss on top of my head.

"What about you?"

"What?"

"You don't need an orgasm?"

Maura laughs and pulls me up to kiss her lips. "I've been grinding on you the entire time, I got my orgasm."

"You did?" I raise my eyebrows and realize her statement is slightly turning me on.

Maura hums and kisses me again, more deeply this time. "Not the strongest one," she whispers into my mouth, "but still a great one." She pulls back and looks at me with pure love and adoration. "Besides, I don't need an orgasm. Making you feel good is all I need."

"I love you, Maur," I whisper to her, tracing her cheekbone with my fingers, completely in awe of her beauty and kindness. "I love you so much."

"I love you too." She smiles and kisses my lips again. "Sleep, Jane. Sam will be waking us way too early tomorrow."

I groan in faked frustration. It's Saturday tomorrow, but three-year olds don't sleep in. She'll run into our room probably somewhere between seven and eight, jump on our bed and wrap her little arms around us. I'll never admit it because I really like sleeping in, but I love it. Nothing makes me happier than her little face in the morning, along with this gorgeous beauty next to me.

We fall asleep in each other's arms, the way it's meant to be. We both sleep peacefully, soothed by the sound of each other's steady breaths and soft arms.

The night is short. I was right, at seven thirty, Sam comes into our bedroom, but she's not waking us in her usual high-pitched cheerfulness. "Mommy?"

"Hey, baby," I say in a sleepy voice, slowly sitting up. I feel a wave of nausea overcoming me, and I hold my breath for a few seconds until it fades. I look at my daughter and smile at her messy hair and small eyes. "C'mere, come lie with Mommy for a while."

Sam nods and I help her up on the bed, lifting her in between us. Maura smiles and strokes Sam's cheek for a moment. "Good morning, sweetheart. Did you sleep well?"

Sam nods and turns her head to look at Maura. "I has a dream 'bout Daddy."

Maura looks at me with wide eyes, uncertain of what to do. I feel the same way. "What was the dream about, baby?"

"Spaghettis."

"Spaghetti?" I smile and place my hand on Sam's stomach, making soft strokes to comfort her.

"Yah. He maked spaghettis and cumers." Sam plays with Maura's hand that is resting on her chest, her little fingers tracing Maura's knuckles. "But I don't like cucumers."

"What happened?"

"He gots mad 'cause I didn't want cumers."

I sigh and close my eyes, not stopping the circular motions on her belly. "What did he do?"

"He hits me. I had blood in my head."

I feel a tear falling into my pillow and I press my lips against Sam's temple, watching as she keeps playing with Maura's hand. "He can't do that anymore, Sammy," I whisper to her. "He'll never hurt you again, I promise."

She nods and I'm happy to see she doesn't seem too upset. "Maura, why's you have spots on your arms?" Sam traces the freckles on Maura's hand and arm before turning her head and looking at Maura.

"They're called freckles," Maura answers her with a smile. "I've always had them. I get more when it's summer and there's a lot of sun outside."

"I thinks it's pretty."

I smile and move over to kiss her cheek, but the movement sets something off in my stomach and the sickness rolls through my body. I quickly get up and run towards the bathroom, just in time to catch the toilet bowl. I kneel in front of it and heave until my stomach is empty.

"Babe," Maura closes the bathroom door behind her and kneels behind me, stroking my hair back, her hand on my shoulder.

"Sam…" My voice is hoarse and I reach my arm towards the sink, silently asking Maura for some water to rinse my mouth.

She stands up to grab a glass, fills it with water and hands it to me. "I asked her to get you a blanket from downstairs."

Sam doesn't know about my pregnancy and it'll be hard to hide it for much longer. A three-year old won't think about a pregnancy when she sees me throwing up, but I know we have to tell her.

Maura sits behind me and rubs my back while she places soft kisses on my sweaty neck, gently pushing my hair away. My body convulses and I feel my stomach turning. There's nothing left. I just dry-heave into the toilet bowl and whimper when I turn and hide my face into Maura's shoulder. "I hate throwing up," I mumble into her soft skin.

"I know you do." Her hand moves away from my neck and soothingly rubs my stomach as the other flushes the toilet. "Just… Keep your mind on the beautiful child we'll be welcoming into the world next year."

"It's worth it." I smile and relax further into her arms.

We hear light footsteps enter the bathroom, along with the sound of a soft blanket being dragged into the room. "Mommy, I gots the blanket."

I smile up at her and feel tears burning in my eyes when her little arms drape the blanket around my shoulders. I open my arms and pull her into my lap, covering us both in the soft blanket. I look at Maura and see a loving smile curling her lips.

"Tell her?" I whisper, barely audible.

Maura smiles and brushes Sam's hair back. She nods.

"Baby, you know how your friend Timmy just got a little sister?" I look at my daughter in my lap and smile when I look into her dark brown eyes, just like mine.

"Yah. She's little baby."

"Exactly." I look at Maura and take a deep breath, not knowing how Sam will receive the news. "Listen… Mommy… I'm…" I struggle and close my eyes.

Maura squeezed my arm and smiles at me as she raises her eyebrows, silently asking me if she should help. I shake my head. I should be the one to tell her. "I'm pregnant."

Sam looks at me with wide eyes but I can tell she doesn't understand. "There's a little baby in my belly."

"In your belly?" Sam's mouth falls open and she places her hand on my still flat stomach.

"Yeah." I place my hand on top of hers and smile. "You're gonna have a little brother or sister."

"Really?!" Sam smiles so brightly I feel tears in my eyes.

"Yeah, really."

She jumps in my lap but I flinch, feeling my stomach getting upset again. Maura notices and gently takes Sam away from my lap, pulling her into her arms. "You like that?"

"Yeah!" Sam smiles and claps her hands together. "I wants a sister!"

"Or a brother?" Maura says with a smile, kissing Sam's cheek.

Sam nods and I haven't seen her smile like this in a long time. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, relief and love overwhelming me. Our own little family. A little broken, filled with pain and maybe too much insecurities, but perfect in its own imperfect way. Perfect for me, perfect for us. Just perfect.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

 _Maura's POV_

The mood swings are the worst part. Because they're not just mood swings. It's not just crying for no reason. There's too much underlying pain finding its way to the surface. She's been hiding so many tears for such a long time and they are finally coming out. I'm happy to dry her tears. I'm happy to hold her in my arms, to finally be able to soothe her pain. After so long of just watching hopelessly, I can finally kiss her tears away.

It gets worse when she's tired. At night when she can't sleep. In the morning after a restless night filled with nightmares. In the afternoon during a long day at work. She comes to me, I hold her, she cries, pulls herself back together, we share a few loving kisses and touches… I feel her pain but I'm indescribably happy to be able to finally hold her.

"Everything's alright, Jane," I say with a smile, placing my hand on her upper leg while she's driving us back from the hospital. I see the worried look on her face and want to take her concerns away. "You and the baby are both healthy."

She smiles a sad smile and doesn't take her eyes off the road. We just finished the appointment for the eight weeks sonogram and everything looks good, much to my relief. Jane is very stressed and her morning sickness should be getting better, but I have a feeling it's getting worse. She doesn't always tell me about it, but I feel her getting out of bed, throwing up for a few minutes and then carefully coming back.

I look at the picture on the dashboard in front of us. A small, black and white picture of the baby. It's barely recognizable as a baby, but it is one. It's our child. Jane barely looked at it. She looked at me during the entire exam, squeezing my hand the whole time. She didn't look at the monitor. The doctor asked us if we wanted a printed version and I said we did, but Jane barely glanced at it. She gave it a quick look, smiled and gave it to me.

I sigh deeply and turn my attention to Jane as I see her taking a turn away from BPD. I thought we would go back to work. "We're not going back?"

Jane shakes her head.

"Are we going home?"

She nods.

"Jane," I say softly, my voice quiet and loving, "are you okay?"

She nods again. "Fine."

She closed up again. She's building her walls back up. I can't let that happen. I know I can't, but I don't know how to stop her. "Please, Jane."

She doesn't answer. She keeps her eyes on the road and drives us home. She puts the car in the garage and gets out without saying a word. I close my eyes and feel tears burning, but I follow her. When we walk into the kitchen, she suddenly grabs my waist and pushes me against the counter, pressing her lips against mine.

I gasp in surprise and kiss her back for a few moments until I feel her hands groping my sides, pulling my blouse out of my skirt. Her pace is quick and rough. It's not like her. It's not like us. Our touches are soft, slow, gentle and loving. Never rough and fast. This isn't like her.

"Jane," I mumble into her mouth, but she cuts me off with another kiss. She breaks it to pull of her shirt and starts to work on the buttons of my blouse, going back to kissing me, crashing her lips against mine.

I gently push her away. "Jane, stop."

She looks at me and I see hurt in her eyes. She averts her gaze, grabs her shirt and walks upstairs without saying a word. I close my eyes and feel a tear trickling down my cheek.

She's afraid. She's afraid she won't love this child as much as she loves Sam. She's afraid it will be like him. She's afraid she'll never get rid of the memories, the fear, the insecurity. She's afraid.

All I want to do is run upstairs and hold her in my arms but I know she will push me away if I do so. She needs some time. I sigh deeply and grab a piece of paper from my desk.

 _Back to work. I'll pick Sam up afterwards._

 _I love you._

 _M._

I leave it on the kitchen counter where I know she'll see it and I walk back to the car, my feet heavy like lead, my heart filled with sorrow and pain. I drive back to BPD and can't keep my eyes off the sonogram picture that's still on the dashboard. I shake my head and try to focus on the road, wanting to arrive at the precinct in one piece.

The day is excruciatingly slow and I keep clutching my phone, hoping to get a call from Jane, but it stays quiet. I finish up an autopsy and make a mistake in documenting the stomach contents. It takes me an hour to fix it. I'm out of shape. I'm thrown off. I can't focus knowing that Jane is at home, hurting.

When I finally finish the last of my reports, I quickly close up and clear away my stuff, getting ready to pick up Sam from preschool. I say goodbye to the lab techs and hurry towards the car. I arrive at Sam's preschool and I smile when she immediately runs into my arms the minute she sees me.

"Hello, sweetheart," I say to her, kneeling so I can wrap my arms around the little girl. "Did you have a good day?"

Sam nods but doesn't reply. I sense she's tired and keep the hug for a few moments longer. "Come on, let's go home." I stand up but she keeps clinging to me so I lift her in my arms, carrying the girl on my hip. I grab her Sesame Street backpack from its hanger and swing it on my shoulder.

"Mrs. Rizzoli?" Sam's preschool teacher stops me and I turn around to see a young blond woman looking at me.

"It's Ms. Isles, actually. Dr. Isles." I smile and shake her head.

"I'm sorry. I'm Yolanda." The woman looks like she's in her early twenties and she smiles at Sam. "Samantha was a little off today."

I sigh and look at the girl in my arms, feeling her little head resting on my shoulder. "She's quite tired, I believe."

"Yes," she smiles and I like her. She seems nice. "She has been for a while now. I just… I thought you'd like to know that."

"Yes, thank you. I rub Sam's back and look at the woman in front of me. "Has she been behaving badly?"

"Oh, no. Just the occasional fight, but nothing out of the ordinary. She's just… She's been withdrawing herself. I know her parents recently filed for divorce-…"

"Yes, it's all taken care of," I interrupt her. I don't want to talk about Casey when Sam is around. "I think she's bothered by the stress in her environment."

Yolanda smiles and sighs in relief. "Yeah. I didn't mean to interfere or anything I just…" she shrugs and I can see she's nervous. "It's my job to keep the parents updated."

I smile and rest my cheek against Sam's temple. I know I should tell her I'm not Sam's parent, but I can't. This little girl is my daughter, there's no way around it. She is. She's mine. She's my little sunshine, my heart, and my life.

"Thank you," I answer sincerely, smiling at Yolanda.

"No problem." She smiles and pats Sam's back. "Bye, Sam."

"Sam, can you say goodbye to Ms. Yolanda please?"

Sam lifts her head from my shoulder and smiles shyly. "Bye."

I thank her again and carry Sam outside towards the car where I put her in her car seat. We drive home in silence and I look at Sam in the rearview mirror to see she's tired. "Baby, how about we pick up some dinner on our way home? For your mom and us?"

"'Kay."

I smile and stop at a red light. "What do you feel like eating?"

She hums in thought for a while and I'm happy to see her face lighting up with a smile. "Chickens."

"Chickens?"

"Yah. With fries."

I laugh and take off at green light. "Of course. You have your mother's taste, little girl."

I negotiate it down to organic chicken with rice, some grilled vegetables and fries on the side for Sam. We drive home and I hope with all my heart to see Jane downstairs with her usual smile greeting us, but the house is empty.

"Where's Mommy?"

I sigh and put the paper bags with dinner on the counter. "I think she's upstairs."

"Mommy's sleeping?"

"I don't know, sweetie. I think it's best to leave your mom alone for a little while." I smile and tuck a strand of hair into Sam's ponytail. "Are you hungry?"

"Yah."

I prepare a plate of food for her and set it at the dinner table before taking some food out for Jane. "I'm going to bring this upstairs, okay?"

She nods. I kiss her head and grab a plate. "I'll be right back."

Upstairs, I see Jane laying on top of the blankets, curled up into a ball, her back facing me. "Jane," I whisper, not wanting to startle her. "I brought some food."

She doesn't reply. I sit on the edge of the bed and put the food on the nightstand. "My love," I whisper, carefully placing my hand on her shoulder, "you have to eat."

"Not hungry."

I feel tears burning in my eyes at the rejection. "Please, Jane."

She shakes her head.

I sigh deeply. "Sam's downstairs. Her preschool teacher told me she's been quiet lately."

This catches her attention and she turns around to look at me. I expect to see red eyes shimmering with tears, but her eyes are completely dry and her expression is blank. "She okay?"

I swallow hard and nod. "I think so, yes." I reach out to stroke Jane's forehead and try to manage a loving smile. "She just… She could use her mom, Jane. She needs her mother."

Jane turns around, her back to me. "You're her mother."

I swallow a lump in my throat and wipe a tear from my eye. "I'm not," I whisper, barely audible. "And even if I was… She needs you."

She doesn't reply.

I take a deep breath and lean over to kiss her temple. She doesn't move. "Alright, we'll be downstairs." I stand up and wipe another tear from my cheek. "I love you, Jane. I still do and I always will."

Again, no reply.

An hour and a half later, Sam and I finished dinner, I gave her a quick bath and helped her into her pajamas. "I wanna says goodnight to Mommy," she says, looking up at me before we can enter her bedroom.

I look at her and smile. Her hair is wet, her shirt is a little too big for her and she's carrying her teddy bear. She looks up at me with those big brown eyes and my heart swells with love. She's absolutely adorable. "Okay, let's see if she's awake."

I grab Sam's hand and slowly open the bedroom door. Jane is in the exact same position as two hours ago. That's not a good sign. "Jane, Sam's here to say goodnight."

"Mommy?"

At the sound of Sam's voice, Jane sits up and smiles at her daughter, opening her arms. Sam climbs up on the bed and snuggles into them, her head resting on Jane's chest. "I'm sorry I wasn't at dinner, baby," Jane whispers after kissing the top of her daughter's head.

"We has chickens and fries."

"Ohh," Jane smiles and looks down at the little girl, "did you have a good time with Maura?"

"I always has goods time with Maura." Sam reaches up to grab a strand of Jane's hair and plays with it. "I'm in loves with Maura, r'member?"

Jane laughs and pulls her daughter close. "Oh yeah. She's mine though, kiddo." Her smile falls and she looks up at me, finally making eye contact. "And I love her the very most in the whole world."

I swallow hard and reach my arms to take Sam. "Come on, baby," I whisper to her, "let's get you to bed."

Sam takes my hand and I help her off the bed, leading her towards her own bedroom where I tuck her in. I brush her hair back and stroke her forehead, looking lovingly at the little girl. "I love you very much, sweetheart," I whisper with a smile. "Everything's going to be okay."

"Is Mommy sad?"

I sigh deeply and don't stop my soothing strokes on her brow. "Yeah."

"When's she gonna be happy again?"

"I wish I knew, baby girl," I answer softly while I press my lips against her forehead. I pull back and smile at her. "Soon, I hope."


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

 _Jane's POV_

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid and I'm closing up again. I feel myself building walls I don't want to build, I feel myself keeping distance I don't want to take. And worst of all, I'm hurting Maura. I'm hurting the one person I never want to hurt. I'm not letting her in. I'm pushing her away when I need her so desperately.

I haven't moved from my position in over three hours. My back hurts like hell, my stomach is growling, my head is pounding… But I can't move. Fear and uncertainty is paralyzing me. I can't cry, I can't scream. All I can do is lie here.

Maura came in to change into comfortable clothes after she put Sam to bed. She kissed the back of my head and went back downstairs without saying a word.

I love her. I love her so much. I love her so much and I need her so desperately. I need her to hold me, to kiss me, to love me… I need her and I'm pushing her away.

I take a deep breath and stand up from the bed, my back stiff and my muscles aching. I'm being stupid. I walk downstairs and see Maura sitting on the couch with her back to me. I slowly walk around it and see her staring at the wall, silent tears trickling down her cheeks. I sit next to her without saying anything and I feel her eyes on me.

We sit in silence for a while. Both on the other end of the couch. Maura silently crying while I'm still feeling numb inside. Numb and empty, even though I'm filled with fear and sadness.

After a long time, I feel Maura's normally warm hand grabbing mine, gently massaging the scar in my palm with her fingers. Her hand is cold, but her touch is warm and loving.

I look at her and see her attention is focused on our hands. I don't know what to say. I don't know where to start. I don't know how to explain.

It's not until Maura shifts in her place that I see the sonogram picture in her left hand. I look at it but quickly avert my gaze. I can't look at it. Maura notices me tensing and lifts the picture, resting her hand with the picture in my lap.

I close my eyes. "I can't," I whisper, my voice hoarse and soft. "I can't."

"This is your child, Jane." Her voice is a soft whisper and I can barely hear it. "It's our baby."

I shake my head and I feel tears closing up my throat, but they stay there. They don't get any further.

"Jane!" Maura raises her voice and it startles me. "Look at me."

I keep my eyes closed.

"Damn it, look at me, Jane!"

I snap my eyes open and look at Maura to see tears streaming down her cheeks, anger burning in her eyes. "I know you're scared and I know you're angry, but you can't do this! You can't close up again! I won't allow you!"

I look at her with wide eyes, startled by her anger. She stands up from the couch and looks at me, her eyes screaming anger and pain. "I won't allow you to hide yourself back behind your walls, Jane! I can't! I won't let you slip away again. I love you too much for that!" She lets out a quiet sob and sits back on the couch, this time a little closer to me.

"You are going to look at this picture and you are going to love this child. I know you will." Her expression softens a little bit and she chokes on her tears for a second. "I know you're not a talker and this is hard for you, but you can't keep it all inside. It'll only make it worse." She sighs deeply and squeezes my hand that is still in hers. "Please don't shut me out, Jane. Please."

I look at her and all I want to do is cry. For hours. Just cry. But I can't. My tears are stuck.

"I know you're afraid. You're afraid you won't love this baby as much as you love Sam, aren't you?"

I'm startled. She just found the words I couldn't find, not even in my own head. She's right. She always is. She knows me; she knows my heart. I nod slowly.

"You're afraid it'll be different because it's not made with love. Because it reminds you of how he abused you."

I nod again. She knows. Of course she knows. "He or she doesn't deserve that," I whisper, my unshed tears hurting my head, my throat and my heart. "The baby deserves better than that."

"This baby is going to be so loved," she answers softly, looking at the picture in her hand. "So, so loved. We are going to love him or her just as much as we love Sam."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I intend to." She looks up at me, and smiles through her tears. "I plan on loving this child with all my heart, my soul and all I have. That's enough." She reaches up and cups my face for a moment, softly stroking my cheek. It's a quick but loving gesture and it makes me realize how much I missed her touch today. "And you are going to do the same."

"What if I don't?"

"Jane… Do you think loving is a choice?"

I think about her question for a few moments, looking at our hands. If loving were a choice, I could've chosen to stop loving Casey the minute he first hurt me. If it were a choice, I could've kept my love for Maura at bay. Loving is not a choice. Love just happens. You just fall into it. "No. It just happens."

"Exactly. I know that the minute you hold this baby in your arms, you will love it no matter what. It'll come naturally. I _know_ it will." I hear Maura's voice calming down and when I look at her I see that her tears are now silently trickling down. "It's not a choice but it starts with the choice of allowing yourself to love. It starts with the choice to stop pushing people away, to stop hiding behind your walls."

I nod, listening intently to Maura's words. She smiles at me and places her hand on my leg, squeezing lovingly. "You are going to make that choice, Jane. You are going to allow yourself to love this child. You are going to intend on loving this baby. And from then on… It just happens. Just like with Sam. Just like with me."

Maybe she's right. I never had to make a choice to love Sam. It just comes naturally. But with Maura, I did make a choice. I made the choice to leave Casey and allow my feelings for Maura to rise to the surface. That was a choice. Just like with this baby. A choice.

"I tried to choose not to love this baby," I whisper, finally looking at the picture in Maura's hand. "I tried because I was too afraid of what would happen if I couldn't love it naturally. I thought it would be easier if it were my choice. I thought I wouldn't be so broken if I made the choice." I take a deep breath and realize how awful this sounds. "It wasn't a conscious choice," I whisper, my voice sounding defeated and hurt. "I didn't even realize I made it until you told me."

She reaches up and brushes my hair back, stroking my forehead when she does. "My love..."

I gently take the sonogram picture from Maura's hand and trace the image with my finger. This is our baby. This tiny little creature is our child. It's shaped like a peanut and barely recognizable as a human being, but it is. It's a baby. Our baby.

I stare at it and let my fingers trace it. It's already beautiful. How could I ever think I won't love this baby? How could I ever think I won't protect this child with all I have, love it with all my heart? How could I ever think I would love this child any less than I love Sam?

Finally, I feel the weight of my tears lifting from me. I feel like I can breathe again when my tears start streaking down my cheeks. I feel my walls crumbling down, I feel the steel cage with my emotions opening up, all of my feelings pouring out of it. I feel myself falling, and I feel Maura catching me.

I clutch the picture to my chest and Maura wraps her arms around me. She pulls me to her chest where I hide my face, where her shirt soaks up my tears and where her heart heals my pain. I curl up into her arms, hard sobs wrecking my body and soul.

There is no end to my tears. Just when I think I've cried all of them, a new wave of pain washes over me and the tears just keep falling. Maura's arms are warm, loving and strong and they catch me. I clutch to her, clinging to her for dear life, my right hand gripping her blouse, my left still holding the sonogram picture. I'm afraid that if I let go of her, I will fall apart. I will completely break down and I will break. If she weren't here to catch me, I would've fallen so hard I'd break. Without Maura, I would be nowhere.

Maura never stops her loving strokes on my back, placing sweet kisses on my head, my face, any part of me she can reach without breaking the embrace. I feel her tears falling into my hair, my neck, and my shoulder. I feel her pain and love.

"I-… I lo-love you so m-much, Maur."

"I love you too, Jane." Her voice is barely above a whisper and it's high-pitched, choking with tears, but the love that shines through it makes me feel at home. "I love you with all my heart and more."

We stay in the same position for hours. The sun has set a long time ago and the house is completely dark. The world is going to sleep and we're still awake. Crying, hurting, loving. There are so many emotions racing through my body I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. When we finally pull away, it's almost 2am.

Maura cups my face and wipes my cheeks with her thumbs, looking into my eyes with a look of pure love and care. She presses her lips against mine in a short but loving kiss.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, resting my forehead against hers. "I'm sorry I pushed you away."

She smiles a sad smile. "Thank you." She kisses me again and brushes my hair back. "For apologizing. And for letting me in."

I nod. "You can always come in." I look into her eyes and try to manage a small smile, but I can't. I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. "I promise I'll always, always try my very best to let you in."

She nods and kisses my lips again before bringing us down to lie on the couch. She wraps her arms around me and snuggles into my side, her leg draping over my thigh, her hand tangling into my curls where she keeps my forehead against mine. I give her a quick kiss and grab the blanket that is draped over the back of the couch to cover us with it.

She sighs contently and pulls me impossible closer. She pulls me so close I can barely breathe, but at the same time I feel like my heart is finally breathing again. We whisper quiet declarations of love over and over again until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. In the safety of Maura's arms, I allow the exhaustion to overwhelm me and drift off into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	21. Chapter 21

_A/N I'm so sorry for being late! Turns out it's difficult to keep up the frequent uploads… I'm going to try my very best though, I promise! I hope you like this chapter, please let me know your thoughts and feelings._

 **Chapter 21**

 _Maura's POV_

Jane's slow breaths and her steady heartbeat are music to my ears as I lie awake and stare at the beauty in my arms. I was so afraid to lose her again and I'm so happy I didn't. Her pain is hurting me in a way I've never felt before, but her love is keeping me standing. Jane's hand is still weakly holding the sonogram picture to her chest, close to her heart. Her heart… right where this baby will be.

I was right. She tried to keep her distance. She tried to make a choice not to love this child. She tried to forbid herself to love this baby, so that if she couldn't love it naturally, it wouldn't be so devastating. None of it is her fault, of course. She did it all unconsciously. She didn't even realize it until tonight. Last night. I look at the clock on the wall and see that it's almost 5am. I barely slept for two hours, but I'll gladly lie awake all night if it means Jane is sleeping peacefully.

She feels guilty. I know she does. She made an unconscious choice to try and not to love her baby, that's killing her. I want to take it away. I want to take it all away. Her pain, her guilt, her insecurities… If I could soak it all up and take it from her, I would. I would gladly be in pain if it meant Jane would be without pain.

I carefully trace her facial features with my fingers, marveling at her beauty in the dark. Her cheekbones are sticking out under her skin and she looks pale. My fingers trace her cheeks, her forehead, brow, nose, down to her lips and back up. I don't know how long I've been staring until she sighs deeply in her sleep and stirs. I quickly pull my hand away, not wanting to wake her, but she opens her eyes anyway.

"Hey," she breaths out, her voice hoarse and quiet.

"Hello, beauty." I smile and peck her lips. I brush her hair back and look into her eyes. "How are you feeling?"

She sighs deeply and closes her eyes. "Headache."

"You should drink some water."

She nods but doesn't move from my arms. She nuzzles her face back into the crook of my neck after she kisses my jaw. "I just wanna lay here a little longer," she whispers softly.

I smile and pull her impossibly closer. I want to pull her into me, to crawl under her skin, to be in her arms for the rest of my days. I'm at home in her arms. "I love you, Jane," I whisper into her dark curls as I tangle my fingers in them. "I never loved anyone like I love you. I'll never stop loving you."

"I love you too." She places kisses on my chest and neck and lets go of the picture to wrap her arm around my waist. "I love you too."

We stay in the same position for a while longer until I press my lips against Jane's in a loving kiss. "Come on, let's get some water." I reluctantly untangle myself from the gorgeous brunette and pull her up from the couch. She's standing weakly on her knees and I take her arm to support her.

I grab a glass from the cabinet and fill it with water before handing it to Jane. "Drink all of it and then two more."

"You're trying to drown me?"

I smile and peck her lips before I grab a glass for myself. "Crying can cause dehydration. It's causing your headache."

She smiles and knows I'm right. She sips the water and leans back against the kitchen counter. I look at her and gently touch her arm. "Try not to feel guilty, Jane. It's not your fault."

"It's not my fault that I've been trying real hard not to love this kid?"

"No," I whisper, tracing the edge of my glass with my fingers. "It's not. It's an unconscious psychological process."

She sighs deeply and finishes her water.

"Another one," I urge her, pointing at the empty glass.

She fills it again and I see her resting her hand on her stomach. "It's growing already," she says softly, looking down at her stomach that's slowly getting less flat. "Our baby."

She takes my hand and places it under hers. I smile and kiss her cheek. "I'm honored to get the chance to raise this child with you."

"Honored?" Jane chuckles and looks at me with disbelief. "I'm the lucky one here. If it weren't for you, I'd have to do all this by myself!"

"You know I'd be there even if our relationship hadn't progressed like it has."

"Well, yeah… But now you're gonna be the mother of my kids."

I swallow hard and look at her with wide eyes. The silence startles her and makes her realize what she said. "I mean… If you… Only if you want to… I'd- I'd like you to be y'know, legally-…"

I cut her off with a kiss and feel tears burning in my eyes when I look at her. "You want me to be a legal guardian to your kids? Both of them?"

"Our kids." She shrugs and smiles a shy smile. "Yeah. But only if you want to. I understand if you don't."

I kiss her lips again and smile brightly at her. "Are you sure?"

"Maura," she laughs and takes my hand, "you're practically Sam's mother already. Casey lost his parental rights, it shouldn't be that hard to pass them to you, should it?" She shrugs and looks down at our hands. "And I want this baby to be ours."

A tear trickles down my cheek and I capture her lips in a loving kiss. "Nothing would make me happier," I whisper into her mouth.

"I just…" she averts her gaze and rests her forehead against mine, "I don't wanna do this by myself."

"You don't have to, my love." I stroke her hair and look deeply into her eyes.

"But it's not just that," she continues softly, "I wanna do this with _you_. I want you to bother me with prenatal vitamins and shitty healthy food, I want you to bug our kids with that same shitty food," she chuckles and squeezes my hand, "I want you to braid Sam's hair every morning, I want you to help me through this pregnancy and raise this baby with me."

I'm about to tell her how happy that would make me but she continues. "I want to wake up next to you when this baby cries us awake all night, I want to argue with you about who should change its dirty diaper. I want to cry with you when we leave it alone for the first time and… And I want to cry with you when Sam goes off to college."

Tears are silently trickling down my cheeks and Jane's gaze is fixated on our entangled fingers. "Will you be mommies with me?"

I can't reply and just nod before wrapping my arms around her neck, almost knocking the glass of water out of her hand. I kiss her lips again and again, smiling through my tears. "Yes, Jane," I whisper against her lips, "I would love to be parents with you."

She smiles and kisses my tears away, continuing a trail across my cheeks to my brow and back down to my lips. "It's not gonna be easy," she whispers with a smirk, "Sam's a tough one sometimes."

"Sam is the sweetest girl in the entire world," I smile and trace her cheekbone with my thumb, "I love that girl more than anyone or anything in the world. I'm here for that part and the rough part." I smile when I think about how Sam sometimes throws anger tantrums, whines about eating her vegetables and going to bed, makes her clothes dirty all the time… But nothing would make me love that little girl less.

"She's gonna be tough when she hits puberty. My Ma always wished me a daughter like myself and that's not a good thing."

I smile when I imagine Sam as an unruly teenager. She'd be a beautiful young girl and I'm positive that boys would be lining up at the door for her. "She's only three," I answer softly, "we have a long time to prepare for that."

"Yeah, thank God." She smiles and kisses me. "She's not leaving the house until she's twenty-five. Or going to parties. Or dates."

"Twenty-five, Jane?" I chuckle and cup her face. "Isn't that a little excessive?"

"No! Those fifteen-year old boys out there are all riled up on hormones and they're not coming close to my girl until I'm absolutely sure she can kick their balls into their brains."

I laugh and kiss her lips, loving the anger and protectiveness that shows in her eyes. "I won't allow our daughter to kick someone's balls into their brains, Jane."

Jane smiles at me mentioning _our_ daughter and brushes my hair over my shoulder. "I'm gonna teach her anyway. To keep those boys away."

"Maybe she likes girls."

"Oh," Jane's face lights up and she smiles at me, "I like that idea. Girls are much sweeter than boys."

"And they don't have balls to kick."

"Was that a joke?" Jane laughs and wraps her arms around my waist.

"Was it funny?"

She kisses my lips and smiles into the kiss. "Yeah. But girls can get pretty riled up too." She shakes her head. "No, she's not dating until 25. Boys or girls."

I laugh and tangle my fingers into her dark curls. "I love you," I whisper before pressing my lips against her, kissing her deeply. I open my mouth and trace her lips with my tongue, deepening the kiss further. Our tongues dance together in a perfect rhythm, her hands roam over my back and sides and my hands massage her scalp under her messy curls.

We kiss for several minutes, lungs screaming for air, but we don't stop. The taste of Jane is intoxicating and overwhelming and I want to drown myself in it. These are the best kind of kisses. The clumsy, wet, lazy kisses where our teeth clash together every now and then because we can't stop smiling, where we break out into laughter over a sloppy sound and turn back to passion and lust within a second.

When we finally break the kiss, we are panting and smiling. "I love kissing you," Jane whispers, her breath tickling my lips. "It's my favorite thing to do."

I smile and we repeat the whole thing again. Kissing slowly, pouring our love and heart into each other's lips. When we break apart I look at the clock and see that it is almost 6am. "You're calling in sick today," I say softly, reluctantly pulling away from Jane to fill her glass with water again.

"What? I'm fine."

I look into her eyes and hand her the glass. "Your head is still hurting rather badly," I say softly, examining her face and body language. "Your muscles are stiff, you're beyond exhausted and you're emotionally drained. You need a day or two to relax and come to yourself."

I prepare myself for Jane's protest and I'm already thinking about how to persuade her to stay home, but I'm pleasantly surprised to see her nod. She takes a deep breath and smiles sadly. "Will you stay home as well?" she whispers softly.

"If you want me to, yes."

She nods again.

"You're going to be okay, Jane," I whisper to her, my voice quiet and barely audible. "Everything's going to be okay."

"I know."

I smile and take her hand to lead us both upstairs. She follows me without saying a word. Upstairs, we enter our bedroom and I help Jane get out of her pants and shirt, gently kissing her upper body before pulling a sweater over her head and guiding her to lie down. If we're lucky we'll get at least one or two hours of sleep before Sam wakes up. We curl up together, Jane's arms wrapped around me as I snuggle into her side.

I'm looking forward to a day off with Jane and Sam. We'll have all day to relax, play, talk… I know that these days are the best days. I treasure them with all I have. With a smile on my face and my head on Jane's chest, I fall asleep.

"Mama," Sam's soft voice wakes me up but the underlying sadness in her voice causes Jane and I to shoot up and look at the crying girl at our bed.

Jane holds her breath to fight off a wave of morning sickness. "What's the matter, baby?" She sighs and pulls Sam up on the bed.

"Why's you not waking me?" Sam asks, tears falling down her small cheeks.

"Oh honey, were you waiting for us to wake you?" Jane kisses Sam's temple and looks at me with a sad look in her eyes. "We're gonna have a lazy day today."

"Really?" Sam's face lights up and she smiles at both of us.

I laugh at her adorable face and brush her messy hair back. "Yes, sweetheart."

Jane smiles but I see her closing her eyes and sighing deeply. I reach over Sam to place my hand on her shoulder. "Anything I can do?"

She slowly shakes her head. "I don't know."

"Just breathe slowly." I move my arm up to stroke her cheek with the back of my hand. "I can get you some tea with ginger and lemon, that might help."

Jane wrinkles her nose and groans. "No thanks."

I nod. She just needs to be left alone and relax for a few minutes until the sickness subsides.

"Is Mommy sick again?"

"She's not feeling well right now, but she'll be better soon." I smile and caress Sam's cheek for a second. "Did you sleep well?"

Sam nods and turns on her side to look at me. "Yah. I had no dreams."

"Good," I smile and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. I see worry in her dark brown eyes and all I want to do is take it away. "You know the baby in Mommy's belly?"

She nods.

"It's making her stomach a little upset every morning." I smile and move my hand towards her tummy, making gentle circular strokes. "So she has to relax for a while and wait until the sickness goes away."

"Why's the baby make Mommy sick?"

I sigh and bite my lip to prevent myself from explaining the hormones that cause morning sickness. "Because it's growing. It's going to be a real baby soon."

Sam smiles at me and her little fingers play with my hand on her stomach. "Is she gonna has a big belly like Timmy's Mommy?"

"Yes. A _really_ big belly." I chuckle and kiss the girl's cheek. "Like an elephant, so big."

"Really?!" Sam laughs and covers her mouth with her little hands. "Mommy's gonna be fat!"

I look at Jane and see that her eyes are still closed, but her lips are curled up in a sweet smile. "No, just her belly. And once the baby is born, it'll all go away." I smile and look at the beauty lying next to Sam. "And she'll be gorgeous through all of it."

Sam doesn't understand my last statement and traces my fingers with hers. I smile at her and her pretty young face. She looks just like Jane. They have the same nose and the same mouth. Sam's hair is lighter, like the sun kissed it, but her eyes are just as dark as her mother's. They're beautiful.

"Is I gonna has two mommies?"

Sam's question startles me and I can't make up if she's sad or happy about it. "Would you like that?"

She shrugs. "I dunno. I'm never gonna has a daddy again?"

I sigh deeply and look at Jane for support, but her eyes are still closed and I can tell she's fighting back the urge to throw up. I decide to just tell her the truth. "No, honey. You're going to have two mommies now. Is that okay?"

She seems to think about that for a while before she nods. "Yeah."

I can't help myself and ask the question I've been avoiding lately. "Do you miss your daddy?"

"No." Her answer is quick and determined and I can't help but feel a little relieved. "Daddy maked Mommy sad and he maked blood on my head." She turns her head and looks into my eyes. "I don't like Daddy. He's bad."

"Yes," I whisper, stroking her forehead with my hand, "he is. But he can't hurt you anymore. Or Mommy."

She nods and shifts closer to me as I wrap my arms around the little girl. I smile and kiss the top of her head that rests on my chest. "Are you okay with having two mommies?"

She nods. "Yeah. I likes you being my mommy."

I smile and see Jane looking at us, tears shimmering in her eyes. "And I like you being my daughter, Sam," I whisper, looking deeply into Jane's eyes. I laugh softly and lean forward to kiss Jane's lips. I rub Sam's back and hope she'll go back to sleep, feeling exhaustion taking over. I barely slept last night and I desperately need a few more hours of sleep.

I smile when I look down to see Sam's eyes slowly closing and I continue my soothing strokes on her back, hoping to lull the girl back to sleep. When I hear her breaths getting slow and steady, I close my own eyes and quickly fall asleep, my lovely family next to me.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

 _Jane's POV_

"Boaz? C'mon Maur, we're not having an eighty-year old."

"I like it! It's a biblical name."

"You're not religious. And what, we're gonna name our third kid Ruth?"

"Third kid?"

"God, no! Maur- sarcasm. Two kids is all I can handle." I smirk and rest my head against the headrest of the passenger seat while Maura drives us to the doctor's office for our second ultrasound. I can't wait to see our little baby again.

It's grown. My stomach is growing like crazy, my back is killing me and I'm uncomfortable as hell, but my morning sickness is nearly gone and I don't cry as much as I did a few weeks ago. I'm a lot bigger than I was with Sam at this stage, but I'm just about to enter the second trimester and Maura says it's all completely normal.

"What about Gabriella, for a girl?"

"No, a girl in my middle school was named Gabriella. She was a mean kid." I sigh and stare out the window, watching the houses and trees passing us by.

I remember how we named Sam. Casey liked the name Samantha and he was pretty dominant about it, so I negotiated it down to Sam and that was it. Her official name is still Samantha, but no one really calls her that so I think I won in the end.

When I was younger, I fantasized about coming up with names for a baby. I always thought we would hear a name and gasp about how perfect it would be and that would be it. But that's not true. Naming a kid is a big deal and somehow, they all sound wrong to me. We liked Joshua and Sophia, but there's something about them that doesn't feel right to me. We talked about Benjamin, Ben for short, but that got old quickly. Daryl, Nathan, Judith, Andrea… Nothing feels right.

"We'll find a name," Maura says as she squeezes my leg. She looks at me and I can tell she knows I'm worrying. "We'll find the perfect name. And if we don't, we'll make it perfect."

I smile at her and stare at her as her eyes fixate on the road again. She's looking absolutely gorgeous in a dark green dress, her hair tied up in a classy bun, her make-up light and perfect. I smile at the sight and squeeze her hand on my leg. "I wish we could just name it Sam the second or something. Fits for boys and girls."

"That would be very confusing."

"Yeah- sarcasm."

"Oh." She slaps my leg and turns the car into a parking spot. She turns off the engine and smiles at me. "Are you ready to take a look at our baby?"

"Yeah." I lean forward to kiss her lips and as soon as I do, I want to stay in the car. Her kisses get more perfect everyday and if I could, I wouldn't do anything else any longer.

We reluctantly get out of the car and wait for the doctor to call us. I'm not worried that something is wrong, but I'm nervous nonetheless. My girlfriend is a brilliant doctor so I know that if something were wrong, she would've noticed it by now.

Maura picked the best doctor in town of course, and we don't have to wait very long. After a few minutes, I'm lying on the doctor's table and he's squirting some cold gel onto my stomach. I reach out to grab Maura's hand and squeeze it gently, looking nervously into her eyes. She smiles at me and presses a sweet but short kiss on my forehead.

Soon, we hear a fast heartbeat. It sounds like a quiet train passing by and I snap my attention to the monitor.

Doctor Simon smiles at us, and points at the picture. "Well, here they are."

At first his words don't catch my attention, but after a few seconds, I snap my head towards him. "They?"

"Yes."

"What?!" I shoot up on the table but Maura holds me down.

Her gaze is focused on the monitor and her mouth is slightly open. "Twins," she whispers softly, her eyes wide. "It's twins."

"What?! No, no, no," I look at Maura and back to the doctor, my eyes wide, my heart racing, beating in my throat. "No!"

"You didn't know?" he asks us, looking at the file in his hands.

I raise my upper body and snatch the file out of his hands. "Do we look like we know?"

"I- I'm sorry, I thought…"

"You thought we knew we were having _two_ kids?!"

"Jane, calm down." Maura's hand rests on my upper arm but I see worry in her eyes.

"Calm down? This guy is telling me we're gonna have two babies!" I'm almost screaming and my breathing quickens. "I'm not gonna push two full grown babies out of my ass! One baby is more than enough! Sam nearly ripped me apart!"

"Jane Rizzoli, calm down." Maura's voice is strict and determined and I allow her to push me back onto the table. She looks back at doctor Simon and takes the file out of my hand to give it back to him. "How did we miss this at the first ultrasound?"

"It is possible that the babies were positioned behind each other. It happens that it's not visible sometimes."

"What about the heartbeat?" Maura asks, frustrated that she didn't notice this. "Shouldn't we have heard two heartbeats?"

"No, in a stage that early, it's nearly impossible to make out two heartbeats. They're too fast."

Maura sighs and squeezes my arm but I'm still panicking inside. Two babies? I nearly broke down when I thought I was just having one baby. I can't handle twins. We will have three kids! And how will Sam react to suddenly having two siblings? How will I deliver two babies? How will we raise three kids?

This can't be happening. It's a dream. A weird, twisted dream. My mind is playing me again. This isn't happening. But then I feel Maura's warm hand on my cheek and I realize this is real. This is happening. I'm having two babies. We're having two babies.

"I-… We can't do this, Maur," I whisper, tears burning in my eyes.

"I'll give you two a minute," doctor Simon excuses himself and leaves the room, giving us some privacy.

Maura sighs and closes her eyes as she presses her lips against my forehead. I feel her tears falling into my hair and I sit up to wrap my arms around her neck. We don't speak. We just hold each other for several minutes until Maura pulls away and brushes my hair back.

I look into her eyes and my panic fades. I see the endless love sparkling in those big, hazel eyes and my fear goes away. That look of love in Maura's eyes… It shows me we can handle whatever comes our way.

"Three kids…" Maura whispers, her voice soft and uncertain.

"More kids to love," I whisper back, managing a small smile. "Big Italian family, right?"

She looks at me and laughs. That beautiful laugh that shows her dimples and perfect teeth. She shakes her head and I capture her lips in a loving kiss. We kiss for a few minutes until she breaks away and rests her forehead against mine. "I love you so much, Jane," she whispers through her tears. "We'll talk at home."

I nod. I see fear in her eyes and it makes me scared. Maura is never afraid. She's always rational and calm. The doctor comes back in to finish the exam but all I can feel is a great, numbing fear in my chest. What if this is too much for her? What if she can't handle this? What if this is the thing that makes her leave me? She never asked for this. She didn't even ask for one kid, let alone three.

We don't speak except for the necessary answers and we drive home in silence. Back home, Maura goes upstairs to take a shower and I lie on the couch, trying to relieve the pain in my back and muscles. I don't realize I've fallen asleep until Maura wakes me.

"Jane, babe." Her soft voice wakes me up and she kisses my temple.

I open my eyes to see her kneeling next to the couch, looking at me with love and adoration. "Hey."

"How are you feeling?"

I sigh deeply. "Overwhelmed. You?"

"Same." She smiles and kisses my lips.

I grunt and sit up, pulling her up to sit next to me. "Maur, talk to me."

She doesn't reply.

"Hey, shutting people out is my thing, remember? You're not allowed to do that." I smirk and I'm grateful to see a small smile curling Maura's lips.

"It's just a lot to take." She smiles at me and cups my cheek for a short moment.

I close my eyes and lean into her touch, immediately missing it when she lowers her hand. "Will you-… Will you tell me if it's too much to take?"

"What do you mean?"

I look into her eyes and smile a sad smile. "You didn't ask for this. I can understand if you'll leave me 'cause it's too much, or-…"

She presses her lips against mine to silence me. When she pulls back, I see tears in her eyes. "Leave you? Are you out of your mind?"

I don't answer.

"You could have four, three, six kids… It doesn't matter! I still wouldn't leave you."

"Twins, Maura."

"Yes. As you said, more to love." She sigs and kisses my forehead. "It's just a lot to take. I need some time to adjust. But that doesn't mean I'm not happy with it."

"You're happy with it?"

"Aren't you?"

"I don't know… I don't know what to feel to be honest. I think so, yeah."

She smiles at me and brushes my hair back, stroking my cheek while she does. "Two little babies, Jane. Two babies just like Sam. With your dark brown eyes, maybe even your curls…"

"You don't know if they have brown eyes," I chuckle. "Maybe they have his eyes."

"Oh no, brown is always the more dominant gene. It overrules blue."

"That's… Good to know." I grin and kiss her beautiful smile. "Let's just hope all my genes are dominant."

"Oh, you are very dominant." Maura laughs and kisses me again and again. "One of the many reasons I love you so much."

I smile and wrap my arms around her, gently pushing her back to lie on top of her as I press my lips against hers in a deep kiss. We kiss slowly and lazily and I feel Maura's hands wandering under my T-shirt along the naked skin of my back. I smirk. Now that I'm less bothered by morning sickness, I am 'bothered' or rather amused by pregnancy-horniness and we both like to take advantage of that.

I pull her up to unzip her dress and I watch intently as I slide it off her shoulders. I smile at her before kissing every inch of naked skin that appears. After several minutes of just kissing and light touches, Maura whimpers and throws off her dress. She unclasps my bra and does the same with her own, moaning as our naked breasts press together.

I move down after a deep kiss and carefully lick her stiff nipples before blowing cold air over it, stiffening them even further. Maura arches into my touch and pulls my head down into her chest. I chuckle and take her nipple in my mouth, sucking gently, licking, carefully biting until Maura is whimpering out in pleasure.

"We're gonna have to turn around," I whisper, my voice hoare with arousal.

"Are you uncomfortable?"

"There are two kids growing in here so yeah, lying on my stomach isn't really comfortable." I smirk and flip us around in one smooth motion.

Maura smiles at me and takes advantage of our position to unzip my pants and pull them down my legs, kissing my stomach, thighs and legs. She pulls down my panties and I hook my thumbs in her lace thong to do the same.

"I love this on you," I say in a seductive tone, my fingers tangling in her now messy blond curls.

"I know, that's why I put it on." Maura smirks and kisses me deeply again.

I move my hand down over her neck, towards her breasts where I cup them gently before moving down to her sides and her bottom. I cup her ass and squeeze, eliciting a surprised squeal from the blonde on top of me.

"You're on fire today, detective."

"Are you using my own words to turn me on?" I laugh and kiss her chest above the swell of her breasts. I said the exact same thing when Maura kissed my body for what felt like hours before she massaged my back and every single muscle in my body, leaving me panting and more turned on than I've ever been.

That was two days ago and it was still loaded. At one point, she moved her hands down to my ass and I felt his hands instead of hers. It went away the minute she kissed me because her kisses blank my mind and make everything better, but I was still hurt by it.

But right now, all that's on my mind is Maura's hands, her perfect body, the sound of her panting breaths and fast heartbeat as her sweaty body writhes above me. I move my hands down and let my fingers slip through her very apparent arousal. I gasp at the amount of wetness I feel.

"God, Jane," Maura moans into my mouth. "Please."

"Please what?" I circle her clit, eliciting another loud moan but I genuinely want to know what she wants.

We've always talked like this during sex. Telling each other what we want, what we need. We don't need to tell each other, but we do anyway. She knows what I want and she feels what I need, but she asks me anyway and I do the same with her. Just to let each other know that we're loving and gentle. It's not about sex. It's about love.

She pulls back to look at me and tangles her hand into my hair. "Inside?"

I smile and pull her back down into a kiss when my other hand circles lower, slowly, very slowly slipping inside where I continue my gentle strokes. She feels soft, hot and wet and it's one of my favorite feelings in the world. Maura moans and gasps, writhing in pleasure.

"God, Jane. Jane!" She grips me tightly, pulling my hair and deepening our kiss. She moans into my mouth and I gently curl my fingers, causing her to break the kiss and gasp.

She throws her head back and I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful sight. Her mouth is hanging slightly open and she's writhing in pleasure, shaking and clinging to me. She's absolutely, mind-blowingly beautiful.

"Yes, yes," she pants as she lowers her head into the crook of my neck.

I sense that she's close and move my hand back up to circle her clit, wanting to push her over the edge. She gasps at the sudden emptiness and grunts into my shoulder as her body goes rigid. She goes completely stiff for a few seconds and then she starts shaking and gasping, relishing in the climax as I stroke her through her orgasm.

She almost collapses on top of me but rolls to my side just in time, curling up into my side on the edge of the couch. Her hand rests on my growing belly and she places lazy kisses along my jaw, still panting. "God, Jane…"

I smile and place my hand on top of hers before kissing her on the lips. "Thank you," I whisper into her mouth.

"For what?" she asks, her voice still breathless. "I think I should be thanking you, detective."

"For letting me see and feel you like this." I smile shyly and feel my cheeks turning red at the heartfelt confession. "You're absolutely gorgeous like this. I mean- you're always gorgeous of course, but just… I mean, when you're…"

She cuts me off with another kiss and smiles into my lips. "I love you."

"I love you more."

I feel her head resting back into the crook of my neck and she sighs contently. "I really wish I could repay you the favor, but we have to pick up Sam in a few minutes."

"It's okay. Being responsible for your orgasm is more than enough pleasure for me." I smile and kiss the top of her head. "How are we gonna tell her she's having two brothers or sisters?"

Maura shrugs and brings her hand up to my chest, making soft strokes. "We just tell her."

"I'm afraid she's gonna feel left out," I whisper, the mood suddenly turning serious. "Like we love her less than her siblings."

"That's not an unusual reaction coming from children with newborn siblings." She kisses my neck and pulls me close. "But we love her endlessly, we just have to make her feel that."

"We'll be busy with two babies, we'll have less time for her." I sigh and my fingers make gentle patterns on Maura's bare back. "We'll have to try harder to make time for snuggles."

Maura chuckles and pulls herself up to look at me. "There's always time for snuggles."


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

 _Maura's POV_

I walk with Jane into her office to tell her colleagues about the exciting news we just received and I can feel Jane's enthusiasm as I hold her hand. We're having a boy and a girl. It couldn't be more perfect. A little boy and a little girl. One of each, as Jane puts it. We would have been happy with either one, as long as they are both healthy. And up until now, everything is going perfectly well. The ultrasound showed that everything is going as usual in Jane's 26th week of pregnancy. And very clearly, it showed a tiny baby boy and a tiny baby girl. We had the opportunity to find out weeks ago, but we wanted to wait until we could be absolutely sure.

"Hey, fatty," Detective Frost jokes as we walk into the office. Jane has gotten quite big lately. Just her belly though. You can't even tell she's pregnant if you look at her from behind. She still has her long, slim figure. Of course her thighs and breasts are bigger, but I love her more with every pound she gains.

"Hey, dumbass," Jane smirks and playfully slaps Frost's arm.

"What was that for?"

"Calling me fatty."

I chuckle at their interaction and greet Detective Frost and Sergeant Korsak who are working on a rather difficult case. There's a suspect on the run and they are tracing him with all they have.

"How was the doctor's appointment?" Korsak asks us, taping a picture to the board.

"Good, everything is perfectly healthy." I smile at Jane and squeeze her hand, telling her to break the news.

As if she heard us, Angela enters the office, looking like she's been waiting for us to come back. "Oh, girls! And?"

She smiles a proud smile at her mother and colleagues. "We're having a boy and a girl."

The room breaks out into loud chatter, congratulations and hugs. All I have eyes for is Jane. She's smiling so brightly, her eyes sparkling so beautifully. I had to miss that sparkle for years and now that it's back, I want to remember it forever. It's printed in my mind, engraved into my heart.

I'm completely lost in her appearance for a few moments until a beeping sound from Frost's computer startles us.

"Shit," he whispers, his eyes wide, his shoulders tensing.

"What?" Jane immediately hurries towards him. She's been completely invested in this case and only took a break this morning for our doctor's appointment. The suspect killed two women after raping them, so she's incredibly passionate and determined to catch this bastard.

"You got a hit?" Korsak joins them at the desk and I follow quickly, wanting to see what's going on.

"Yeah, on his car." Frost is panting lightly and almost slamming his keyboard to zoom in on the map he pulled up. "The son of a bitch got balls. He's just around the corner of BPD."

"What?!" Jane immediately grabs her gun from her desk, straps it on and is about to run downstairs until I stop her.

"Jane, you are in no shape to chase suspects." My hand is on her upper arm and I hold her back. "You're 26 weeks along!"

"I'm fine!" Jane shrugs away from me and runs towards the elevators, Korsak following quickly while he is calling for backup.

"Jane!" I scream after her, "Stop! I don't want you going out there!"

"Maur, this dickhead _raped_ and then murderedtwo women." She's panting, her eyes burning with the fire of anger and rage. "I'm not gonna let him get away."

"There are others, let them take care of it, please!"

Jane looks impatiently at the lights of the elevator and I know I'm not holding her back. She's technically not on maternity leave yet and even though she's been pretty much on desk duty, this case got to her. This case stirs something in her she hasn't felt in a long time and I know there's no stopping her.

The elevator takes too long. She places a quick, hasted kiss on my lips and runs off towards the stairs, followed by Korsak and Frost. She's not as fast as she used to be, but she's still faster than most cops. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, stepping into the elevator as the doors finally open. I step inside to follow Jane and I can only pray to God that she doesn't do anything reckless or stupid.

Downstairs, police agents are getting ready, strapping on their guns, putting on safety vests. Jane didn't of course. She forgets. She always forgets.

I pray. I hope. I wish. "Please take care of yourself," I whisper to myself as I make my way towards the front of the precinct.

Jane is a good detective. She's done this for years. She knows how to handle situations like this. Yes, she got hurt in the past, but she can take it. She's smart. She's fast. Her instincts are like none I've ever seen. She'll be fine. "She'll be fine," I whisper like a mantra to myself.

"She'll be-…"

The sound of breaks slipping on the road.

A loud bang.

Screams.

A gun firing.

Silence. 

God no. No, no, no.

I run like I've never ran before, getting outside as quick as I can to see a sight that breaks my heart into a million pieces.

Jane. On the ground. Blood. Her own blood. A broken car window.

"No!" I scream and run towards her, falling on my knees at her side. "No! Jane! NO!"

Her head is bleeding but even worse, there's blood between her legs. The babies. I can't think straight. I should know what's happening, I should be able to diagnose her condition, but I can't. My brain just stops working. I can't think, I can't speak, I can't cry. All I feel is numbness in my chest, along with the loud beating of my heart and stiffness in my entire body. I can't lose her. I'm nothing without her. We're nothing without her.

"Jane..." I place my hand on her head, feeling slick, warm blood. I place my other hand on her belly, hoping to feel kicking babies, but it's completely still. I search for it, for that lovely feeling of their kicking, but I can't find it.

Before I know it, the EMT's are taking her inside an ambulance and I'm following them like a brainless robot. I keep my hand on her head the entire time until a doctor is pulling me away as we drive to the hospital.

I can't keep my eyes off her. Her eyes are closed, blood is plastered to her face, her curls are messy and dirty, her mouth a clean stripe. People are examining her, but I can't process what's happening. I don't even know what's happening to me. I'm completely lost. I could always ground myself in my knowledge and facts, but I'm losing it all. I can't think straight. No matter how hard I try, all I can think of is the blood on her head and between her legs, the crippling scream, and the sound of metal crashing against her body. There's no room for science and facts. There's only room for incredible, wrecking pain and numbing fear. The loud sirens shriek through my body, hurting my head, my ears and my heart.

We arrive at the hospital and upon seeing these familiar scrubs, I'm slowly finding myself again.

Jane got hit by a car. The car of the suspect they've been chasing. He was aiming at her. She has severe bruising to her head, probably internal damage. I think she broke her right arm or clavicle. She's bleeding from her vagina, which means the babies are not okay.

The babies.

I whimper and cover my mouth, placing my hand on Jane's belly, desperate to find a sign of life. Nothing.

"Dr. Isles," a dark-haired doctor greets me. He's been examining Jane. "I'm Doctor Morgan. Is it true that Ms. Rizzoli is your partner?"

"Y-yes," I stutter, "she's… my girlfriend."

"Do you have legal guardianship over her unborn babies?"

"Yes, I do."

He sighs and I know that's bad sign. When a doctor sighs, something is wrong. Very wrong. "She's experiencing internal bleeding, which is dangerous to the babies' health. We'll have to deliver them. Now."

"She's only 26 weeks along," I protest, finally feeling tears burning in my eyes. "The chance of survival is…" I search my brain for my knowledge, but I lost it.

"Not as bad as you'd think." He smiles a reassuring smile but I see in his eyes that he doesn't have much time. "If we don't, neither of them will survive. Not the babies, nor your partner."

26 weeks. The babies' lungs are formed, but they barely work. The bones are not even fully formed yet. The chance of them surviving… Is not great. I know it's not. But I also know that if they don't deliver them know, both the babies and Jane will die. And I can't lose all of them.

I nod. "Please," I whisper, begging him, "don't let her die."

"We will do everything we can, doctor." He nods at me and turns to take Jane into an OR.

I don't even have time to kiss her, to touch her a last time, to tell her how much I love her. All I can do is stare at the nurses who take Jane away through the big doors.

The doors close and there's a sudden silence deafening my ears. A silence that allows everything to fall into place. A silence that causes my heart to break apart.

Just when my knees get weak and I'm about to collapse, Angela's voice startles me. "Maura!"

She runs towards me and I let myself fall into her arms. Loud, heartbreaking sobs are wrecking my body as I allow myself to break. My tears are streaming down, my heart is breaking, fear is overwhelming me. Angela's warm, motherly arms wrap around me and pull me close into her chest and I'm grateful for them. Without her arms, I would've collapsed and fallen apart.

I feel like all the light is taken out of my life. I feel like all the happiness is being sucked out of my heart. I feel like I'm alone in an endless ocean of fear where waves of pain are trying to knock me over. I finally found her, I finally took her away from Casey and now I'm losing her again. I never loved anyone like I love Jane. I'll never stop. Even if I lose her, I'll never stop.

"Sit, Maura," Angela whispers to me, gently leading me towards a few chairs in an empty waiting room.

I look at her and see tears on her cheeks and concern in her eyes. But she's still pouring all her energy into comforting me. Jane often complains about Angela, but she has the best mother in the world. Angela puts everything aside to take care of her children. She's selfless, caring and warm and she's exactly what I need right now. She puts her own fear aside to try and lessen my fear.

"Jane's a hell of a fighter, Maura," she says as she wipes a few tears from my cheeks. "She's gonna pull through."

I nod and try to smile, but I can't. "What-…" My voice is barely above a whisper, strangled with tears and concern. "What if she doesn't?"

"Hey," Angela cups my face and looks deeply into my eyes, "we can't think like that, okay? She shot herself through her stomach and survived. She survived Hoyt. She survived crazy serial killers, explosions… Jane Rizzoli will keep fighting, I know she will."

I look intently at Jane's mother, holding on to the look in her eyes like it's my last hope. She smiles at me and grabs my hands. "You know how I know she will?"

I shake my head.

"The other day, when you were giving Sam a bath, she told me she'd wanted to live forever just so it meant she could be with you forever."

Finally, I'm able to smile. "She did?"

"Yeah." Angela strokes my hair back and wipes my tears with the back of her hand. "She loves you so much, Maura. She'll make it. She's too stubborn to leave you and Sam alone."

I nod and lean into Angela's open arms again, hiding my face into her warm chest where I keep crying. The rest of the family slowly arrives after they heard the news. Frankie is pacing around the room, restless and afraid. Tommy is sitting on the edge of a chair, biting his nails. Frost came in to check but he left a few minutes ago. Korsak keeps getting coffee and going to the bathroom.

"Someone has to pick up Sam," I say softly, looking around the room.

"I'll go." Frankie immediately grabs his car keys, eager to have something to do.

I nod. I know Frankie will handle this gently and caring. "Bring her to me, please?"

"Of course."

Thirty minutes later, I'm indescribably happy to have the little girl in my arms again. She's sitting in my lap, her front into mine, her head resting on my chest as I rub her back. According to Frankie, she took the news rather well. She doesn't really understand all of it, which makes it worse. However, she senses the tension and fear in the room, causing her to be quiet and not willing to move from my lap.

I'm not her legal guardian yet, but the case is in the works and it's only a matter of signing papers. I'm so lucky to call this little girl my daughter. I kiss the top of her head and pull her close.

After hours and hours of agony and waiting, Jane's doctor finally walks into the room and calls me. "Can you come with me, Dr. Isles?"

I nod and move Sam from my lap, but she keeps clinging to me. "Sweetheart, I'm gonna leave you with Grandma for a few minutes so I can talk to the doctor, okay?"

"No," Sam's bottom lip quivers and I sigh deeply.

"It's going to be alright, honey." I'm grateful to see Angela gently picking Sam up, moving her to her lap.

"Kiss?" I stroke Sam's hair back and purse my lips before she pecks them.

I smile at Angela and quickly follow the doctor. "Is everything alright?"

He doesn't reply and just walks in front of me. We're walking into NICU. That's good. NICU means the babies, or at least one of them, survived. I don't know in what condition, but they wouldn't be up her if they weren't alive.

He opens a door for me and gives me a surgical apron, along with some gloves. We walk inside and I see two incubators. But most of all, I see two tiny little babies. They're a little blue, their skin is wrinkled and almost see-through, but their little chests are rising and falling with quick breaths.

I let out a quiet sob and step towards them. They're so small. So vulnerable. So tiny. But alive. Hooked up on an insane amount of tubes and equipment, but alive. I don't even ask about their condition. I just stare at them, wanting nothing more than to gather them in my arms.

"Delivered through C-section. Both are fine now." Dr. Morgan smiles at me but I can't take my eyes off the babies. "As long as they're in here. They can't breathe on their own or feed, so we'll have to keep them here for a while."

I nod. I see the boy's little feet moving, his toes wiggling slightly. He's beautiful. Already beautiful, just like his mother.

His mother. Jane.

I turn towards the doctor. "Jane?"

He sighs. "Still in surgery. There was some internal bleeding."

"Where?"

"They stopped the bleeding in the brain rather quickly, no permanent injury. They're still working on some bleeding in her abdomen."

I close my eyes and try my best to process that information, but my brain still isn't working properly. Bleeding in her abdomen. That's treatable. No permanent brain injury. She's too stubborn to give up.

"Thank you."

"We'll update you as soon as possible."

I nod. "Can-… Can you bring my daughter in here? Sam?"

"Sure. There aren't more than two people at the time allowed in here, though."

I compose myself and wipe my cheeks before Sam comes in. A few short moments later, the girl insecurely stands in the doorway, wearing a similar apron and gloves. I smile at the adorable sight and pick her up, carrying her on my hip towards her little brother and sister.

"This," I say softly, pointing at the boy on the left, "is your little brother," I move to the right and point at the gorgeous baby girl, "and this is your sister."

Sam stares at them, her mouth slightly open. "They's so small."

"Yes, they are. They were born too early." I smile and kiss Sam's cheek. "They just couldn't wait to meet their big sister."

She smiles and her small arm wraps around my neck, tangling in my hair. "Can we holds them?"

My smile falls and I sigh deeply. "No, sweetheart. They have to stay in here for a while, to get better."

"Is they sick?"

"No, they're just way too small. The tubes and machines will help them grow." I sit down in a chair in between the incubators, taking Sam into my lap. "And they'll be just as big as you are one day."

She smiles and seems to like that idea. I pull her close into me and just stare at our beautiful children. I already love them with all my heart. I want to hold them so badly, clutch them to my chest, kiss their little heads… It breaks my heart that I can't.

I pour all my love into Sam, holding her in my arms, kissing her head while I stare at the babies. Now I finally understand what mothers mean when they talk about the love they feel for their newborn child. These kids haven't even opened their eyes yet but I already love them with all my heart. I will protect these kids with all I have. I will take care of them for the rest of their lives, and I will love them endlessly.

"Mommy?" Sam turns around to look up at me.

I smile at the way she calls me 'mommy and brush her hair back. "Yes, baby?"

"What's the babies' names?"

I sigh. We hadn't made a final decision yet. But I know what Jane wants. I know the names Jane would have wanted for them. "Well," I smile at Sam and point at the baby girl, "for the girl, we were thinking about Lori."

She nods, looking like she approves of that. "And the boy?"

"Lucas. Lori and Lucas." I rub Sam's back and look back and forth between the two babies. Between Lucas and Lori. "Do you think those are good names?"

"Did Mommy picks the names?"

I sigh and close my eyes. Jane. I can't do this without her. She needs to pull through. I need her to survive. "Yes, honey. Mommy picked the names."

"Then it's good names. I like it."

 _A/N Don't hate me, I promise this story will have a happy ending. : ) Please let me what you think! Only 4 more chapters left...!_


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

 _Jane's POV_

Screeching tires.

A flash of light.

A loud bang.

My head hitting the windshield.

Blackness.

That's all I remember. I remember thinking I would finally get this bastard who killed two women. I remember running into the street, expecting him to come from one way when he really came from the other way. He was going too fast. There was no time for me to get away.

I was stupid. I was reckless and stupid. I didn't think about the possibility that he might have misled us, making us think he was coming from the other way. My cop gut abandoned me.

But that's not the most stupid thing I did. The stupidest thing was the way I left Maura. She begged me not to go and I went anyway. She stopped me and I ignored her. I gave her a quick, hurried kiss when I should have looked into her eyes and told her how much I love her. I didn't even tell her how much I love her. God, I'm stupid.

The beeping sounds of a monitor.

A man's voice giving orders.

The clattering of surgical instruments.

Sucking noises.

Something's dripping.

I feel a painful sting in my stomach.

My stomach. The babies. What if they're not okay? What if my recklessness got them killed? What if they'll never see the light of day? What if I'll never feel them kicking again?

More voices.

A deep sigh.

Something warm on my thighs.

Blackness.

" _Sam baby, come feel this!" I gasp and place my hand on my growing belly where I feel slight, but very apparent movement._

 _Sam hurries over from her place at the coffee table and jumps up on the couch next to me. She places her small hands next to mine and gasps. "They's moving in your belly, Mommy!"_

" _Yeah, they are." I smile and look at my daughter's beautiful face that is lighting up with a bright smile._

" _When's they gonna come out already?" Sam asks, her hands not moving from my belly. "It's so long!"_

" _It'll be a while, honey."_

 _Sam pouts and moves her hands away, replacing it with her ear. "I wants to hear them," she whispers, grinning up at me._

 _I smile at the adorable sight and stroke her soft, light brown hair. I lean down to kiss her head and I'm about to tell her how much I love her until she giggles._

" _I feeled them, Mommy!"_

" _Yeah, me too," I smirk._

 _We stay silent for a few moments, waiting for the babies move again until Maura enters through the front door, holding two bags of groceries._

" _Maura, the babies is moving!" Sam jumps up and I laugh as Maura immediately drops the grocery bags and runs over to me._

" _Come feel," I grin at her, pursing my lips to ask her for a kiss._

 _She sits next to me, placing her hands on my belly while she gives me a sweet and loving kiss._

" _Kiss too!" Sam purses her lips and leans forward._

 _Maura laughs and pecks Sam's lips but she gasps when the babies move again and I see tears shimmering in her eyes. "Our babies," she whispers with a bright smile._

" _Yeah," I kiss her and caress her cheek for a moment, "our babies."_

More beeping. Faster this time. The voices are getting louder, more stressed. More sucking. A sizzling sound. Blackness.

" _Ugh, I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life!" I whine loudly, sitting on the floor in front of the couch while Maura massages my shoulders._

" _I know, Jane." She sighs and moves her hands lower to my upper back. "I told you, your back pain will get better if you started desk-duty."_

" _Over my dead body," I mumble, fumbling with my hands, "I'm not starting that a minute earlier than I absolutely have to."_

" _You're incorrigible, Jane." Maura keeps massaging my back as she dips her head to kiss my neck. "I love you."_

 _I smile and enjoy Maura's skilled, strong hands working on my stiff muscles for a while. "I love you too," I whisper, barely audible._

 _We stay silent for a few minutes until I feel the babies moving inside me. I smile and place my hands on my growing belly. "Babe? What do you think about Lori?"_

" _I don't know anyone named Lori…."_

 _I chuckle at my girlfriend's adorableness. "No, I mean the name Lori. For the baby."_

 _Maura hums. "I don't know…"_

" _I like it."_

" _What if we're having boys?"_

" _We said we liked Lucas for a boy. And I like Lori for a girl. What do you think?"_

 _Maura sighs and stops her massage to wrap her arms around my chest from behind, leaning down to kiss my neck. "I'm not sure. We'll think about it, okay? There's time."_

The beeping has slowed down. The voices are calmer but focused. Clattering instruments. A gross, slopping sound. Voices turning panicked again. A doctor yelling. A nurse answering.

A crying baby.

A crying baby! I want to open my eyes but it's like I'm paralyzed. I want to hold out my arms to hold the newborn baby but I can't. Don't cry, baby. I'm here. Mommy's here.

Where's the second baby? Aren't there supposed to be two crying babies by now? The voices in the room are getting louder again. The crying baby is taken away. Still no second baby. Where's my little twin?

Quick beeping.

Clattering instruments.

Blackness.

" _You didn't have to do that, Maur," I say softly as I watch the beautiful candle-lit dinner table._

" _Your mother helped me cook," she takes my hand and leads us towards the table, "you deserve it."_

 _I don't even know what to say and just sit down at the table, looking at all the delicious food that is prepared for us. Before she can sit down, I grab her arm and gently pull her in for a long, loving kiss. I trace her bottom lip with my tongue and smile when she shifts to sit in my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck, never breaking the kiss. Our lips move smoothly together and Maura tangles her hands in my hair, something that turns me on to no end. I love it when she does that._

 _We kiss for about half an hour, slowly making out, gently touching, not taking things further than we need to. The food is long forgotten and probably getting cold, but I don't want to stop kissing her. Kissing Maura is my absolute favorite thing to do in the whole world and I never want to stop._

 _The only reason we break the kiss is because we hear light footsteps coming into the room. Maura breaks the kiss and slides off my lap to turn around, seeing Sam walking up to us. She's in her pajamas and she clearly just woke up. I put her to bed early and I hoped she would be down for the night._

" _Hey, baby," I greet her with a smile, still slightly panting from our make-out. "What's wrong?"_

" _I hads a bad dream." Her bottom lip is quivering and I see tears in her eyes. No matter how badly I want to continue my romantic evening with Maura, that look in my daughter's eyes brings out the protective, loving mother in me._

" _Oh, c'mere," I pull Sam into my lap and feel her snuggling into my arms._

" _What was the dream about?"_

" _Lions. They were gonna eat me."_

 _Maura chuckles and tucks a strand of hair behind Sam's ear. "Lions don't eat little girls, honey."_

 _Sam nods and seems to be comforted by that statement. "Why's you having dinner?"_

" _Well," I smile and kiss my daughter's temple, "you had dinner at Grandma's and we hadn't eaten yet."_

"' _Matoes!" Sam smiles as she points at the tomatoes and mozzarella dish on the table. She loves tomatoes. She's loved them her whole life._

 _I chuckle and reach over to grab one for her, putting it on my plate and smiling lovingly as she starts devouring it. I pull Sam close in my arms, squeezing her gently as I kiss her messy bed-hair. "I love you, my little princess," I whisper softly._

 _Maura smiles at me and caresses my cheek for a second._

" _I'm sorry," I whisper quietly, looking at the beautiful dinner she prepared that is currently invaded by a now very awake three-year old._

 _Maura smiles and shrugs. "She only makes it better."_

Silence. Something's softly dripping, but the voices are gone. No clattering of instruments. Just a soft, barely audible beeping sound. My stomach is hurting, but it's nothing compared to the pain in my head. I try to move but my muscles are stiff and I feel like I've slept for weeks.

Breathing. Someone's breathing. A warm hand on my thigh.

I slowly open my eyes and feel a sting of pain in my head caused by the harsh light. I squint and need some time to adjust before I see my mother sitting next to me in a chair. "Ma?" My voice is barely above a whisper, hoarse and weak.

"Oh, Janie!" My mother cups my cheek and I see tears in her eyes.

"Maura?" I whisper, immediately feeling the absence of my girlfriend. "Where is she?"

"Shh, she's okay." My mother smiles and stands up next to me, still caressing my cheek. "She's with Lucas and Lori."

"Who?"

"The babies."

The babies. She's with our babies. Our babies are alive.

"Frankie," my mother says to my brother who is apparently standing on the other side of the room, "can you go get her?" She smiles at me and brushes my hair back. "She's going to be upset you woke up when she was gone. She's been by your side the whole time. Just went out to see the babies."

I try to turn my head, but a crippling pain in my shoulder stops me. I groan softly and close my eyes, waiting for the love of my life to enter the room.

"Oh, thank God," Maura's voice calls out to me and she runs towards the side of the bed, immediately pressing her lips against my forehead. I feel tears dripping onto my face and when she looks at me, I see immense love and relief. "I was so scared, Jane," she carefully kisses my lips over and over again, "I love you so much. I'm so happy you're alive, I love you."

"What…" I try to ask her the thousands of questions in my mind, but I can barely speak. "Babies?"

"They're okay," Maura sits down in the chair as my mother makes place for her and takes my hand in hers, "they're in NICU, they're not allowed to come out yet."

"Why?"

"Lucas can't breathe on his own yet. Lori can, but her bones are still too fragile. They have to be in there for a while so they can grow. But they are healthy and absolutely beautiful."

"You didn't like Lori," I whisper through the pain in my throat.

Maura smiles and I can see she's fighting back her tears. "I do. It fits her. She's clearly a Lori."

"I wanna see 'em," I try to move but every inch of my body hurts like I've been hit by a train. Or in this case, a car. There's a very sharp pain in my shoulder, I have never had a headache worse than the one I'm having now, my stomach hurts and my entire body feels sore.

"I'm sorry, Jane." Maura sighs and she moves her hand to stroke my cheek. "They're absolutely beautiful. Lucas is going to be the most handsome boy in the world and Lori is already a gorgeous little princess." She smiles and I see unconditional, motherly love in her hazel eyes. It looks amazing on her.

She pulls out her phone and swipes through some pictures before holding it up for me. I almost gasp. They're so tiny. So tiny, a little blue and hooked up on tubes and machine, but so, so beautiful.

I smile and I want nothing more than to hold them to my chest. But even my chest is hurting and the stinging pains in my head are killing me. "What's happening in my body?" I ask Maura, leaning into her touch on my cheek.

The smile falls from her face and her eyes fill with concern. "You've been out for almost 24 hours. You have a pretty bad concussion, a few broken ribs, and a fractured clavicle. They stopped severe internal bleeding in your stomach, but so far nothing is seriously damaged. The babies were delivered via C-section… But…" she sighs deeply and averts her gaze towards her hands in her lap. "It's unlikely that you will be able to carry more children after this."

I nod. I'm not sure how to process that. Since yesterday I already have three children, I've never thought about having more. Three is all I can handle.

"Sam?"

Maura smiles and presses her lips against my cheek. "With your mother. Should I get her?"

I shake my head and grab her hand, careful not to move too much. "In a few minutes." I smile at Maura, endless love overwhelming me. She smiles back and leans down to kiss my lips, the first real kiss since all this happened. I missed her taste. I missed her touch, her love. Even in my subconsciousness I miss her. Without her, it's like a part of me is missing.

We stay silent for a few minutes, during which I'm fighting not to fall back asleep. I'm afraid that if I do, I won't wake up. I'm afraid I'll be out and I don't want to miss any more of my children's life. Maura keeps kissing my knuckles, arm, cheek, lips… Anything she can reach without putting too much pressure on me. It's like she's treasuring every inch of me, soaking in all of me.

"For a moment, I really thought I'd lost you," Maura whispers softly, looking at me with tears in her eyes. "I was so scared, Jane."

I look deeply into her eyes and squeeze her hand, my grip weak and tender. "I'm sorry," I answer in a soft whisper. "I was stupid."

Maura shakes her head and closes her eyes. "You did your job and made a poor calculation."

"And I almost got myself and our babies killed."

"But you didn't," Maura smiles and leans over to peck my lips, "you're all okay."

I nod carefully and close my eyes, almost allowing the exhaustion to take over. But I need to see Sam first. "Sam," I whisper, having trouble getting any words out of my mouth.

Maura nods and kisses my lips before hurrying out of the room. Within a few short moments, she comes back in, carrying Sam on her hip. Sam looks pale and I see tears of fear in her dark eyes as she sees me.

"Baby," I whisper, trying to reach my arm out to her, but flinching in pain.

Maura leans down with Sam in her arms, allowing me to cup Sam's cheek. I smile at her and feel tears burning in my eyes when she leans forward to peck my lips. "Mommy…" she says softly, a single tear spilling onto her cheek.

"I'm okay, Sammy," I whisper with a smile, having more trouble to keep my eyes open with every second. "I'm okay. I love you so much, baby girl." I smile at her and take her small hand in mine when Maura sits in the chair, taking Sam in her lap. "Mommy loves you so much."

Sam nods and looks at me with wide eyes, filled with tears and fear. "Loves you too, Mommy."

Maura squeezes the girl close and kisses the top of her head. Sam relaxes at the movement. "I sees the babies, Mommy," Sam says softly, sounding a little shy.

I hum and smile a tired smile. "Were they good babies?"

She nods. "They's really, really, really little."

"Yes," Maura answers with a sweet smile, "and they'll grow to be just as big as you, big girl."

Sam grins at the sweet compliment and relaxes back into Maura's front, her small hand still in mine. "Mommy has to sleep for a while now, sweetheart," Maura whispers, sensing my exhaustion.

I don't hear Sam's answer. I finally allow my eyes to fall shut and it's like I'm falling into a deep, black hole of nothing. In the back of my mind, I faintly hear Maura and Sam whispering, Maura's voice soothing and loving, Sam's voice insecure and questioning. Somewhere in the distance, I hear soft declarations of love and promises that everything will be okay, but I don't hear the end of it. I fall into a delicious state of emptiness and a painless, deep sleep.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

 _Maura's POV_

She sleeps through most of the day and I'm not leaving her side except to check on the babies every now and then. Sam never leaves my arms. The girl is afraid and in need of physical affection and safety. And frankly, so am I.

I feel torn. When I'm with Jane, I want to see the Lucas and Lori. When I'm with the babies, I want to go back to Jane. I spend the day going back and forth, hoping and praying that they will be in one room soon. I'm beyond exhausted but I don't sleep. I need to stay awake for my family. My girlfriend, our daughter and our twins.

Jane's family comes and goes. They all speak words of comfort and support, but I don't really hear it. I smile politely and thank them like I'm supposed to, but I try to avoid most of them. I visit the babies when they arrive, and come back to Jane when they leave. I avoid all of them except for Angela. She's the rock in the stormy sea, which is exactly what I need. She's afraid too, but her warm arms and sweet words comfort me. She comforts me like I comfort Sam. Like it's supposed to be.

"Dr. Isles?" A nurse walks into the hospital room and smiles at us. "Will you follow me to NICU?"

"Yes, why?"

"One of the babies just woke up and she's allowed to get out of the incubator for a while. I thought you'd like to take that."

I almost jump out of my chair and feel tears burning in my eyes. Finally. Finally I can hold them. One of them. "Yes, thank you."

I shift Sam in my lap to look at her. "Honey, I have to go to the babies for a while. Will you stay with Grandma?"

Sam nods. I kiss her forehead and take her to the waiting room where Angela is getting some coffee. I follow the nurse and smile at the sight of our beautiful babies.

After disinfecting my hands, I smile the brightest smile when the nurse opens the incubator and hands Lori to me. Lucas is too dependent on the equipment, not being able to breathe on his own, but Lori can be taken out for a few short moments.

"Skin to skin contact is preferred," the nurse says with a smile.

I sit in a comfortable chair and take the tiny baby, wrapped up in blankets. She weighs almost nothing. Her bones are still fragile and I'm afraid I'll crush her as soon as I hold her. I trace her tiny fingers with my big ones and see them flexing and wiggling. I don't realize I'm crying until a tear falls onto the blanket.

The nurse excuses herself and walks out of the room, but I can't take my eyes of the little baby in my arms. I pull my blouse away and carefully, slowly tilt the girl against my chest. I press my lips against her tiny forehead, closing my eyes as tears fall down my cheeks.

She's here, in my arms. She's breathing, moving, wiggling in my arms. I should experience this moment with Jane. We should be here together. Jane should be the one to hold her, to place soft kisses all over her tiny face, she should be the one to feed her. But Jane is in a hospital bed, sleeping because her body is beyond exhausted and in more pain than I could ever imagine. It's unfair.

Lori. Lori Rizzoli. She's gorgeous. She's too small to look like Jane, but she does. She hasn't opened her eyes yet, but I know she has Jane's dark eyes. I look over at Lucas and see him slowly wiggling his tiny blue fingers. He's just a baby, but I know he's going to be the most handsome boy in the world. With Jane's features, her attitude and our love, he'll be the best son we could ever wish for. I wish I could hold him like I'm holding Lori. I feel so far away from him. I know how important skin-to-skin contact is and I know it's crucial in the first few hours of a life. But being able to breathe is more crucial.

We're a family now. Me, Jane, Sam, Lucas and Lori. A perfect family. All the tension, fear and pain is piling up together in my chest and I let out a quiet sob, careful not to move Lori too much. Tears stream down my face and I gasp quietly, desperately trying to keep still. I lower my head and press my lips against Lori's tiny forehead, feeling the warmth of her skin, smelling the oh so lovely smell of a newborn baby.

I almost lost them today. I almost lost the woman I love more than anyone in this world. I almost lost the two babies I already love and protect with all I have. I almost lost it all. I almost lost everything and so did Sam. If things had gone just a little bit differently, it would be just Sam and me now. If we weren't so damn lucky, Sam and me would be all by ourselves.

And God, were we lucky today. Two premature babies, born without any major issues, healthy and breathing. The prognoses for Lucas are looking rather well. Jane hit by a car and surviving. She's beaten up pretty badly, but she'll pull through. We got lucky. So, so lucky.

I can't stop crying. Fear, love and relief piling up and overwhelming me as I look at the gorgeous baby in my arms. I never thought of babies in general as beautiful, but God, our babies are. They're absolutely gorgeous.

I want to never let her go, but after a while, the nurse comes back in to take Lori back. I reluctantly give her up, kissing her tiny face. I glance at Lucas, feeling the pain of not being able to hold him, but soaking in the happiness about the fact that I will one day soon.

I say my silent goodbyes to the twins and hurry back to Jane who still looks like she's sleeping. But when I sit down in the chair, she opens her eyes and smiles at me.

"Hi, my love," I whisper, caressing her cheek. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore. Headache. But better than a few hours ago."

I smile and lean forward to kiss her lips. "I just held Lori," I say with a smile.

For a split second, I see jealousy in her eyes, but it quickly fades, replaced by love. "She a good girl?"

"The best," I can't wipe the smile off my face and I feel like I want to tell the entire world about our beautiful babies, "she's absolutely beautiful, just like you. She's so tiny and she's so light and she hasn't opened her eyes yet but Jane… she's so beautiful."

She stares at me with a loving smile. "And Lucas?"

"Still dependent on the incubator. He can't breathe on his own yet, but he will soon." I smile and smooth Jane's messy curls. "He's going to be the most handsome boy in the world. He's gorgeous."

"I wanna hold 'em so bad," Jane whispers, averting her gaze to stare up at the ceiling.

"Soon, Jane." I cup her cheek and stroke her cheekbone while my other hand makes careful, soft circles on her chest. "Soon."

She slowly and carefully turns her head and purses her lips, silently asking me for a kiss, which I happily give her. I gently press my lips against hers, my hand never moving from her cheek. We kiss slowly and carefully and I want nothing more than to gather her in my arms. I want to curl up into her side, I want to rest my head on her chest, I want to be close to her more than anything. It kills me that I can't. She's too sore, she's in too much pain.

I break the kiss and sit back in my chair, smiling at her while my thumb never stops stroking her cheek. "I wish I could take your pain away," I whisper softly.

"Yeah," Jane smirks and leans into my touch, "me too."

"You should be getting another dose of painkillers within the next two hours," I say while I look deeply into her eyes, soaking in the way they shimmer and dance. I want to look into these eyes for the rest of my life. I want to spend my life by her side, I want to be with her forever.

I want Jane to be my future and my life. I want to marry her. I want to be her wife. But I'm too afraid to ask. She just got divorced and she's been through so much. I know marriage has a nasty taste to Jane. I know marriage is not what is used to be for her. I don't know if she ever wants to get married again. I'd be fine if she doesn't. I'd be absolutely happy being her girlfriend for the rest of my life. I'd love to be her wife and nothing would make me happier, but if she doesn't want to, I don't want to either. As long as she's with me, in my arms, and as long as we love each other, I'm perfectly happy.

I take a deep breath and can't keep my eyes of the beautiful woman in the hospital bed. Her eyes are closed and her brow is furrowed in pain. "I love you so much, Jane."

She doesn't open her eyes but I see as light smile curling her lips. "I love you more."

I chuckle and shake my head before I press my lips against Jane's cheek. "Not possible."

After a few short moments of silence, Angela enters the room, holding Sam's hand. "Hello, girls." 

Sam immediately takes off and climbs into my lap so she can look at Jane. Jane smiles at her and slowly reaches out her hand to take Sam's, squeezing it softly.

Angela stands next to me and I feel her brushing my hair back. "You should go home, Maura. Take a shower, get some rest."

I shake my head. "I'm staying with her." I don't look away from Jane's face, watching as her eyes slowly close again.

"Maura, you're exhausted." Angela sits in a chair next to me and smiles. "I'll stay with her. You need a nap, a shower, some clean clothes for you, Jane and Sam… You can take my car. Or Frankie should be here soon, and he can give you a lift..."

I sigh deeply. She's right. I still have stains of Jane's blood on my clothes, and I'm exhausted. And so is Sam. She needs a nap; she needs to get away from the hospital for a while. But I don't want to leave her side. I don't want to leave the babies.

"She'll be okay, sweetie," Angela says softly, pointing at Jane who has fallen asleep again. "Take your phone, I'll call you the minute something happens."

I sigh and look at Sam in my lap. She's exhausted and afraid. It would be good for her to be home for a while. "Alright," I say softly, reluctantly giving in, "Sam honey, we're going home for a little bit, okay?"

She's too tired to protest. "What 'bout Mommy?"

"Mommy's sleeping." I smile and brush Sam's hair out of her face. "She'll be sleeping for a while. We're gonna go home, take a shower, a short nap, and then we'll come back."

Sam nods and moves to wrap her arms around my neck as I stand up. Angela squeezes my arm and smiles. "Go. It'll be fine."

I lean down, careful to keep Sam securely in my arms as I kiss Jane's lips. I stroke her forehead and take in the beauty that is my girlfriend. "I'll be right back, my love."

Frankie gives us a lift and in a weird way, I'm happy to be home. Sam relaxes as soon as we walk through the door and that tells me I made the right choice. A part of me wants to run back to the hospital, to Jane, Lucas and Lori, but another part of me sees Sam running to the couch where she grabs her stuffed bear and knows that Sam should be my priority right now. Jane is sleeping, being watch by her loving and caring mother, the babies are taking care of… My place is with Sam.

I sit next to her on the couch and watch her play with the bear. "Is Mommy gonna be in the 'spital for long?"

"Just a while, honey. She needs to get better first."

Sam nods. "She haves pain."

I sigh deeply and tuck a strand of hair behind Sam's ear. "Yes, she does."

"I don't like it."

"Me neither." I smile a sad smile and pull Sam into my lap, relaxing against the back of the couch, bringing Sam with me. "But she's going to be okay, honey. She's in pain, but she's getting very good medicine and the doctors are taking very good care of her. And before you know it, she'll be home with us again."

"Is the babies gonna be home too?" 

"Yes."

"Then I'm gonna be a big sister?"

I chuckle lovingly and kiss the top of Sam's head, watching her play with her bear. "You already are, honey. You're a great big sister."

"Really?" Sam looks up at me, and her face lights up with a bright smile.

"Yes, really."

She relaxes in my arms and the content smile doesn't fall. I laugh and pull her close before lifting her up in my arms. "Come on, time for a nap."

I help her change into her pajamas and put her to bed before taking a quick shower myself. I dress into a clean, comfortable outfit and decide to lie down for a while. I set my alarm for forty-five minutes from now, not wanting to leave Jane and the babies for a minute too long.

I close my eyes and finally allow the exhaustion to take over.


	26. Chapter 26

_A/N So... My computer crashed and I lost ALL of my fanfics. I tried my best to re-write the last two chapters of this story. Hope you like it, please let me know!_

 **Chapter 26**

 _Jane's POV_

"He's so beautiful," I whisper as I look down at the gorgeous baby boy in my arms. "I know all parents say this about their babies, but ours really are the most beautiful babies in the world."

Maura chuckles next to me and I look at her to see her tracing Lori's little face with her fingers. "Yes, they are."

The first time I held them, I cried my eyes out. I don't even know why, probably hormones. I remember looking at Lori's little fingers wiggling in the air and I just burst into tears. The whole thing repeated itself as soon as I held Lucas in my arms. They are so amazing. I can't believe I once thought I wouldn't love these babies. I already love them with all my heart and I know that nothing in the world will change that.

We just finished feeding them and I know the nurse will come back soon to take them back to NICU, so I soak in every second. His small fingers. His rosy cheeks. His soft, black hair. His tiny nose. His eyes. God, those eyes. He opened them for the first time while I was holding him. Like he was sensing his mother. I cried even more.

To make this moment even more perfect, our oldest daughter walks into the hospital room. She's wearing a pair of old, worn-out jeans and a red sweater. She looks pretty in red. "Hey, baby," I greet her with a smile.

"I got presents with grandma!" Sam smiles enthusiastically and holds up two little teddy bears.

"Presents?" Maura smiles at her and pats the spot in front of her on the bed, inviting Sam to sit down.

"Where's grandma?"

"With Uncle Frankie." Sam climbs up on the bed and holds up her presents. "They's for the babies!"

"Oh, that's sweet." I smile at the way her dark eyes sparkle. I missed that sparkle for so long. I took that sparkle away from her. I stayed with Casey and she lost the sparkle in her beautiful dark eyes. But it's back. It's back and more beautiful than ever.

"Which one's Lori again?" Sam asks a little quieter.

"She's right here," Maura answers with a smile. "She has the pink blanket, remember?"

"Oh yea." Sam nods and holds up one of the bears. "This one's for Lori. He's called Sleepy 'cause he has the one sleepy eyes." She hands the bear to Maura, eliciting a sweet smile and a kiss to her forehead.

"Thank you, sweetheart. That's very nice of you."

Sam nods again. "I picked them!" She holds up the other one and looks at me. "This one's for Luke. He's called Mike."

"Mike?" I chuckle and take the bear from her. "That's a cool name." I look down at my baby son and carefully tuck the bear in the blanket with him. "You like that, baby?" I whisper softly. "Your big sister picked it out for you. Isn't she a great sister?"

Sam giggles. "Why's you ask, Mama? He can't say!"

"No but he likes to hear my voice." I smile and lean forward to caress Sam's cheek, but I flinch in pain. My shoulder still hurts like hell and I still have a rather bad headache. My stomach is still sore but healing properly without any abnormal bleeding, but it will be a while before I'm back to normal.

I hate this. I want to be able to hug my kids. I want to play with Sam and I want to take her in my lap. I want to hold Maura in my arms and snuggle into her side at night. I want to breastfeed my babies. I want to take care of them, like I'm supposed to.

I can't do all that because of my own stupid actions. I was reckless. I ignored Maura's warnings and chased the suspect anyway. This is on me and nobody else. It's entirely my own fault that I'm in a hospital, feeling like I've been hit by a train, or in this case a car. It's my own fault that I can't take care of my children. I can't even change their diapers. I can't even breastfeed them.

I shake my head at my own self-pity and pull myself together. I can hold them. I can love them. Maybe that's all they need.

"Mama," Sam looks up at me and back down at Lucas. "Can I hold him?"

I smile at her. "Of course, c'mere." I try to open my arm for her but I hiss out in pain. I close my eyes and try not to cry as I bite my lip.

"Come on here, honey. Mama's still in quite a lot of pain. You can hold Lori for a while." Maura opens her legs and pulls Sam in between them as she carefully puts the tiny baby girl in Sam's arms, meanwhile holding her up herself.

Sam looks at her little sister in awe. "She's so little…" she says softly.

"Yes, she is." Maura smiles and kisses the top of Sam's head.

I look at them and smile. Those two are inseparable. I know Sam has barely left Maura's side the entire time I've been in the hospital. I love Maura more with every hug she gives Sam. She's an amazing mother. Before Sam was born, I never saw Maura as a maternal type but I was wrong. Maura was born to be a mother. She has so much love inside of her. So much love. And she pours it all into her kids. Our kids. She loves them all so much and she loves me so much and I still can't believe it. Somehow, Maura Isles fell in love with me and I'm the luckiest woman in the world.

Maura feels me looking at her and lifts her head to look into my eyes. She smiles a loving smile and leans sideways to press her lips against my cheek. "Look at us," she whispers, happy tears shimmering in her eyes.

I smile back and purse my lips, silently asking her for a kiss since I'm too sore to initiate one myself. She presses her lips against mine in a short but loving kiss. "I love you," I whisper when we break apart.

"I love you too."

"Me too," Sam pitches in. "Kiss too!" She turns her head and purses her lips, eliciting a sweet laugh from both her mothers.

Maura pecks Sam's lips. "One from me," and again, "and one from Mama."

Sam nods her head once and focuses her attention back on her baby sister in her lap, knowing that I'm in too much pain to lean over Lucas to give her a kiss. I look down at Lucas and swallow a lump in my throat. This is killing me. I want to kiss my daughter.

I feel tears welling up in my eyes and carefully lean down to press my lips against Lucas's forehead, careful not to hurt myself and making sure to cover up my emotions. But it's too late. Maura has already noticed.

"Jane," she says softly but I shake my head.

"It's fine." I smile at the wiggling baby in my arms and trace his small cheek with my finger. "Mama's fine."

Somewhere along the road, Sam decided to call me 'Mama' and Maura 'Mommy'. She explained it was because 'Mama' sounds tough and strong, and 'Mommy' sounds sweet and soft. And since according to Sam, I am tough and strong and Maura is sweet and soft, I am Mama and Maura is Mommy. I love it and I love hearing her calling out to Maura as Mommy.

I love to know that she thinks I'm strong. After all we've been through, she still thinks I'm strong. I wouldn't blame her if she saw me as weak and afraid because that's how I see myself. But she doesn't. Sam looks up to me. She knows I'm strong and I can protect her and that's all I ever want for her. I will forever be strong and protect my children.

I look down and smile as I see Lucas's big dark eyes looking up at me while he makes adorable baby noises. I will protect this boy with all I have for the rest of my life. I will do anything to keep him, Lori and Sam safe. I will give everything for them to be happy.

"Hey, beautiful boy," I whisper barely audible while Maura and Sam are softly chatting next to me. "like what you see?" I chuckle at the fascinated look on his little face. "You're gonna be such a beautiful boy. You're gonna have my eyes and my curls, but you'll have Mommy's brilliance and sweetness. Mommy's gonna make you love to read books and be smart and sweet and care for other people… And I'm gonna teach you baseball and fighting bad guys."

I sigh deeply and feel his soft baby skin with my fingers. He seems to lean into my touch and my smile grows wider. "You're such a lucky boy, did you know that?" I kiss his forehead and inhale his lovely baby scent. "You've got the most amazing Mommy in the world. She's beautiful and so caring, little boy. She takes such good care of people, no matter what. And she has so much love to give. Never in my entire life did I meet someone that loves me as much as your Mommy does and I know she loves you even more." I smile at my own mushiness and stroke his little cheek with my thumb. "Don't tell her that 'cause she'll say she loves us all equally but I know she loves you kids most of all."

My mushiness comes to an end when the nurse enters our hospital room. "Time to take them back, ladies."

"Do we have to?" I pout and tilt my head, eliciting a chuckle from the nurse.

"Yeah, sorry." She smiles at us and takes Lucas first, and then Lori. I almost want to tell her to be careful with them, until I remember that this is her job and she knows what she's doing.

"Bye, babies!" Sam waves at her little brother and sister as we watch the nurse walking out with them.

Maura smiles and presses her lips against Sam's temple while she pulls her close in her arms. I watch Sam snuggling into Maura's chest and I envy her. I know how warm and soft Maura's chest is and I know how loving and safe her arms are. I'm happy that Sam knows that now too. She takes every opportunity to hide in them.

They are talking softly, Sam asking questions and Maura answering them in ways a three-year old has trouble understanding. "When's we gonna go back home?" she asks, snuggling sideways in Maura's lap.

"Soon, honey. Hopefully within a few days."

"How many days?"

"We don't know yet. The doctor has to decide."

"But you're a doctor, Mommy!" Sam lifts her head from Maura's chest to look up at her. "You decide!"

Maura chuckles and brushes Sam's hair out of her face. "I'm a different kind of doctor, baby. I work on dead people."

Sam's eyes turn wide and I cringe at the way Maura always has to be honest, even if it's about horrifying facts that will scare any three-year old. "Dead?"

"Yes. I dissect them to find out what happened to them, so I can help them."

"So…" Sam tilts her head and stares into the distance, trying to understand what Maura just said. "You's a doctor helping dead people?"

"Well-…"

"Yeah," I interrupt before Maura explains all the ins and outs of forensic pathology. I smile at Maura and wink. "That's what Mommy does and she's very good at it."

Sam nods and seems to understand what she wanted to understand. She rests her head back on Maura's chest and I see her eyes drooping. She's exhausted. We need to get home.

It's almost 10PM and therefore way past Sam's bedtime. It doesn't take long for her to fall asleep, safely wrapped up in motherly arms. I smile at the sight and reach out to brush a strand of hair out of Sam's face, but I almost cry out in pain. My ribs, probably.

Maura sighs and takes my hand in hers. "This must be so difficult for you," she whispers softly.

I turn my head towards her but I close my eyes as I rest the back of my head against the wall. I nod. "I can't even hug my own kid," I whisper through the lump that's suddenly closing up my throat. "I can't even change diapers."

"You're here," Maura whispers with a sad but loving smile. "That's all they need."

"Maur, I can't even breastfeed them." I feel a tear trickling down my cheek and despise myself for being so emotional all the time. "We all know breast milk is better for babies, and it's all my own damn fault!" I open my eyes and fumble with the sheets over my legs. "I was stupid and almost got myself, and our kids killed. And now I can't take care of them."

"Jane." Maura shifts, careful not to wake Sam, and cups my cheek with her free hand. "Look at me."

I shake my head. I'll only cry harder if I look into those hazel eyes I love so much.

"Please."

I take a deep, shuttering breath and look up into her eyes. Tears stream down my face when I see the endless love that is sparkling in them.

"You didn't give up, for them," Maura whispers softly. "You're still here."

I shake my head. "It's not fair," I answer in a soft whisper. "I don't want you to do it all by yourself. It's my fault that all the burden is on you. It's not fair."

"Burden? You think I see our children as a burden?"

"No!" I raise my voice and cringe as Sam shifts in Maura's lap, but I release my breath as I hear her sighing in her sleep. "No-, I just… I mean, poopy diapers and crying babies and demanding three-year olds."

"I love that," Maura replies as she rests her chin on top of Sam's head. "All of it. I would gladly change all the diapers in the world if it means I get to be with you and our kids."

I swallow hard and wipe the tears from my cheeks. "All the diapers?" I manage a small smirk through my tears. "That's a lot of poop, Maura…"

Maura laughs and presses her lips against mine in a sweet kiss. She kisses my lips a few times and chuckles at me. "I love you, Jane. Yes, you made a poor calculation and got yourself hurt but you pulled through because of them. Because of us."

I can only nod, words getting stuck in my throat.

"I can't ask of you to never get in danger again," Maura continues softly. "I know you will and I know the angst and the nerves that will cause us. But I also know you will do everything in your power to make it back to us." She smiles and strokes my cheek with her thumb. "And that makes it all bearable."

"What did I do to deserve you?" I mumble before I capture her lips in another kiss. I kiss her softly but lovingly, our lips gliding together in light brushes and sweet kisses that last for several minutes. I missed her. I missed being close to her, even though she barely left my side. I missed the taste of her lips and the soft touch of her hands even though we share more kisses and touches than ever. I just miss her. I miss her without hospital smell and nurses breaking in and beeping monitors, IV's and annoying visitors. I just want to be home with her.

We break the kiss and she rests her forehead against mine. "We'll get home soon," she whispers as if she's reading my thoughts. "Just a few more days."

I nod and smile when Sam snores softly. Maura chuckles and kisses the top of the girl's head as she softly rubs her back. I've never seen her love someone as much as she loves Sam. It's beautiful. She's beautiful. "I love you, Maura," I whisper gently.

Maura smiles and lifts her head from Sam's to look into my eyes. "I love you too, Jane."


	27. Chapter 27

_A/N This is it! The last chapter of this story. Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing, it means the world to me. Thank you for your encouraging words, lovely criticism and kindness. A sequel is not out of the question, so please let me know if you'd like to read more! Thank you all, I hope you like this last chapter filled with fluff and love._

 **Chapter 27**

 _Maura's POV_

Home. Finally. No more beeping monitors and dripping IV's. No more interrupting nurses and anxious visitors. Just us and our kids, like it's supposed to be.

Jane is healing well. She's not herself yet and I know she has a long way to go, but she's doing well. She's enjoying our newborn babies and even though she still can't do everything to take care of them, she's not as upset as she was a few days ago.

I have a crying Lucas in my arms and caress his belly as I walk through the living room towards the kitchen. "Shh, little boy. Oh, I know you're hungry."

As always, Lori joins in on the cries after a minute so I grab two fully prepared bottles from the kitchen. I walk back to the couch and sit next to Jane, handing her one of the bottles. She looks healthier and more beautiful every day.

"There you go," I smile as Lucas stops crying and latches on to the bottle. "That's what you wanted, hm? My sweet little baby." I watch him looking up at me with big eyes as he makes his adorable baby sounds. I fall in love with these babies more and more every minute of every day.

I look next to me and see a similar loving smile on Jane's face as she looks at Lori while she feeds her. "Damn, you're a hungry little girl, aren't you?"

"Jane," I gasp as I glare at her. "Watch your language!"

"What? They don't understand it anyway."

"Well, I don't want their first word to be some kind of obscenity they've learned from their mother."

"First words are always 'dada'," Jane answers with a smirk but her smile falls as she realized what she said. "For… kids who… have a dad…"

I sigh and smile a sad smile. "It's the same for most babies. But maybe it will be 'mama', there's no way to tell."

Jane smiles and I feel her shifting closer to me. "I don't even care," she says as she tickles Lori's stomach. "'Cause we have the prettiest little babies."

"Yes, we do." I smile at the beautiful boy in my arms and look up when Sam walks into the room, her pants undone.

"Can I help feed?" She asks, bouncing in front of me.

"Of course, baby." I smile and point at her pants. "Close your pants first."

"Oh." Sam looks down and zips up her pants, quickly buttoning it before snuggling next to me on the couch. She straightens her back and I carefully let her take the bottle.

"Does he likes the milk?" she ask softly as if she doesn't want to disturb Lucas.

"Yes, very much."

Sam nods and looks intently at her little brother. I can't help but smile at the sight and press my lips against her forehead. She smiles at me for a moment before looking back at Lucas. Her smile is so much like Jane's. It's intoxicating and beautiful. Every day I see more and more of Jane in her. Her hair just gets lighter but all her other features are just like Jane's. She's short for her age, unlike Jane, but I love that she is. It's easier for her to fit in my arms.

"I like you's my Mommy," Sam says softly, still looking at her little brother.

I smile the brightest smile and place a kiss on top of her head. "I like you as my daughter," I reply softly.

"Is you always gonna be my Mommy?"

I nod. "Yes, honey."

"Really?" Sam looks up at me and I have to take the bottle from her before she tears it away from Lucas.

"Yes, really. Does that surprise you?"

Sam shakes her head but I can see that she hadn't thought about it like this until now. "So… We're never going back to Daddy?"

I swallow hard and look at Jane. Jane sighs and lifts the bottle from Lori's mouth, allowing the baby to rest for a while. "No, baby. We're never going back to Daddy."

"But where's Daddy?"

"He's…" Jane doesn't want to say 'prison' and I see her looking for words. "He's somewhere else. He can't come back to us anymore because hurt us."

Sam nods and seems to think about that for a while. "So I'm gonna have Mommy instead of Daddy?"

"Basically, yeah." Jane puts the bottle down and brushes Sam's hair out of her face. "Is that okay?"

Sam stays silent for a while and I hold my breath in anxious anticipation for her reaction. I release it in relief as I see Sam's face breaking out into a beautiful smile while she nods. "Mommy's waaaay better than Daddy. She's soft and hugs and kisses and Daddy's hard and mad."

I feel Jane sighing. This is how Sam will always remember her father. An angry, hard, uncontrolled man. The man that broke her trust and hurt her. I can't help but feel happy to hear that she prefers me over Casey. He never loved her like I love her, I know he didn't. He never saw how lucky he was to have a beautiful daughter like Sam. He has no idea.

Lucas finishes his bottle and I cradle him against my chest to burp. "I love you, sweet girl," I say softly as I kiss Sam's cheek, careful to keep Lucas up.

Sam nods and wraps one of her little arms around my neck to kiss my cheek back. "Loves you too, Mommy." 

After the babies are properly fed and burped, I take Lori from Jane's arms and kiss her lips. I know she's still too sore to take the kids to bed. She can't bend down to the crib or carry them upstairs. I hand Lucas to Jane and trade him for Lori.

"Time for bed, Sam."

Sam doesn't even protest and stands up from the couch.

"Whoa hey," Jane says with a smirk, "no goodnight kiss?"

Sam giggles and runs back to her mother, climbing up on the couch to wrap her arms around Jane's neck and pecking her lips before hugging her close. "Night, Mama."

"Sleep well, peanut. I love you."

I change Lori's diaper, change her into a warm sleeping bag and tuck her in before running downstairs and doing the same with Lucas, knowing it is good for them and us to be sleeping at the same time so they won't keep us from getting any sleep at all. It doesn't take long for me to put Sam to bed. She's exhausted and happy to be home in her own bed after weeks of hospital.

When I come back downstairs, I find the living room empty. "Jane?"

No answer.

"Jane?" I feel panic in my chest and frantically look around the room and kitchen. "Jane!"

"Up here!" Jane calls from upstairs and I sigh in relief.

"God, you scared me," I say softly as I walk up the stairs. "What-…." I stop and stare in awe as I look at our bedroom. It's completely dark, the only source light coming from the moon outside the window and the many candles Jane lit.

She's standing in the middle of the room, nervously fumbling with the hem of her shirt. "I uhm…"

I look around the room, my mouth open wide as I see the candles she lit in such a short time. "You shouldn't have, Jane. You're putting too much pressure on your body." I avert my gaze to look at Jane and see hurt in her eyes. "But it's lovely," I add softly. I step towards her and place a light kiss on her lips. "What's the occasion?"

Jane shrugs and smiles a shy smile. She reaches in the pocket of her jeans and takes out a small, black velvet box. I gasp but she stops me before I can respond. "First of all," she says, "I'm not proposing."

I nod. I don't even care. I don't care if we ever get married. Of course I'd love to, but all I want is to spend my life with her. With or without a wedding ring.

"I don't want to get married again, and I don't know if I ever will. But…" she sighs and tries to find the words I know she's been rehearsing in her head for a while now. "Marriage is not a good thing to me, y'know? It's… It wouldn't feel right." She smiles at me and I take her hand in mine, squeezing softly, urging her to continue. "But I do want to be with you for the rest of my life."

I nod and feel tears welling up in my eyes at my lover's sincere words.

"You're so amazing, Maura." Jane's voice has turned into a whisper and tears are now slowly trickling down my cheeks. "No one loves me like you love me and I don't love anyone like I love you. I'm never gonna stop loving you."

Her words sound like rehearsed lines but I know they are sincere. I know it all comes from deep, endless love and I can't stop my tears as my heart swells with love and my chest warms with devotion.

"I uhm, I spent so much of my life having a false image of love and…" she sighs and tries to find the courage to continue. "I thought love was obeying and belonging to someone. I thought it had something to do with doing what the other wants and making the other person happy because you have to. But I was so wrong, Maura."

I listen intently to her words and hang on to the sparkle in her shimmering brown eyes, seeing the candlelight reflecting in them. Beautiful.

"You showed me what real love is. It's not about having to make the other happy. It's about wanting to make them happy. It's not about belonging to someone. It's about belonging with someone."

I nod and rub Jane's palm with my fingers, feeling her scars under my fingertips. I want to throw my arms around her neck and kiss her for hours and hours, but I know she's not finished. So I restrain myself and continue listening to her loving words that are weakening my knees and making me fall in love with this woman all over again.

"I believe we belong together, Maura," she says softly, her voice hoarse and loving. "You make me so happy. You're the most amazing mother our kids could ever wish for. Sam loves you so much, Maur. She's crazy about you and when I see you with her, I fall in love with you all over again 'cause… I know I'm not alone anymore."

She chokes on her tears and shakes her head to try and get rid of them. I smile and squeeze her hand in mine. "You're not," I whisper, my voice soft and hoarse through my tears.

"I'm not alone anymore," she repeats softly after she swallows her tears. "I'm so happy to be mommies with you to our beautiful kids and I… I want to thank you for everything."

I shake my head and want to protest, but she stops me.

"No. I'll never take you for granted and you deserved to be thanked for all you did." Jane smiles a shy smile and averts her gaze towards my hands. "You put up with me for so long and you waited until I finally got my head out of my ass and admitted that I loved you and… You changed my life." She looks back up at me. "You changed me and I'm so grateful for that. So that's why…" She takes a deep breath and lifts the little box. She tries to find the rest of her prepared speech, but fails. She just hands the box to me.

I take it and press a quick kiss on her lips, unable to keep myself from her any longer. I smile and slowly open the box to see a thin, classy silver necklace. I take it out and see a small circle attached to it. It's lined with diamonds and I know this must have cost her a fortune. "Jane…" I whisper.

"Turn it around."

I turn the hanger and feel tears spilling on my cheeks when I see the tiny letters engraved in it.

 _Love. 1 Cor. 13_

"I know you're not religious or anything, but this bible-verse… I just… It reminds me-…. us…"

I shake my head. I know this passage and I know what it means to Jane. To us. I look up at her but I can't speak.

She takes my hand and leads me towards our bed. She points to the wall and I cry even harder as I look at the framed text above the bed.

 _1 Corinthians 13_

 _Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres._ _And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love._

My arms wrap around Jane's neck and I pull her to me. This is what love is. Love isn't what she used to have with Casey. It's not what he offered her. This is love. This passage is what describes love. This is how I want to love Jane for the rest of my life. This is how I want to love our children. It's a goal. A reminder. Something to hold on to during hard times. It's a challenge and a way of life. The fact that it is above our bed, reminding us of the core and foundation of what we have, it makes me love her more and more even though I thought that was impossible.

Jane swallows against me and her long arms wrap around my waist. "I know the love that's described here is impossible to reach but I'm gonna devote my entire life to trying." She pulls back and looks at me, tears in her dark brown eyes. "I promise."

I nod and cup her cheek, my other hand still clutching the necklace like it's the most important thing in the world. "Me too," I manage to whisper before I press my lips against hers.

Our kiss is sloppy and wet and filled with tears, pain from the past and anxiety for the future. But it's perfect. I know our life isn't perfect. I know the road ahead is difficult. I know there is pain to conquer and fears to overcome. But I know our love is strong enough to pull us through. If we keep fighting for the love that is described above our bed, we will handle anything that comes our way.

I don't know where the road takes us from here. But when I pull back and look into Jane's eyes, I see that sparkle again. And that's all I need. I don't need to know where the road takes us. As long as Jane's eyes keep sparkling and her heart keeps loving, I will go anywhere life takes us. With her by my side. With my hand in hers. With my heart in her hands.

A strangled cry coming from the baby monitor breaks our romantic moment and we reluctantly break apart. It only takes a few seconds for a second baby to join in.

Jane sighs and smiles at me. "Sorry," she whispers, referring to our lovely moment that is now officially over.

I shake my head and wipe her wet cheeks with both my hands. "Don't be." I take her hand and smile at the love of my life as we walk out of our bedroom to take care of our children. "This is just the beginning."


End file.
